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Post by sulu on Wed Feb 20, 2019 5:41 pm

There are some family friend of mine. After 3 years of marriage (and I think 5 years of being together), they decided to separate. Another 6-8 months before they wrap their head around this and the divorce got finalized. They separated on amicable terms, i believe; there was no kid and no accumulated property to fight for anyway. the wife was overall optimistic, with tinges of sadness, but she knew she was doing the right thing by setting him free, as he was the one who was beginning to feel trapped in the marriage. She was still young; in a decent job; hit the gym again; was making plans to travel with her best friends; and slowly and cautiously getting back into the dating scene. Divorce happened, and within a month, she loses her job. While she struggles to get a new job, she is stuck with a terminal disease, which slowly gets worsened year after year. I feel a lot of things for the family, coz i really love them. But I often think from his perspective. Did he bail out just in time? Did he feel bad that he left her alone just when she was going to hit her lowest period? Is she glad he's not around to be more stuck in this already suffocating situation (for both of them), or does she now miss him even more. 

Many times when a relationship breaks, it breaks for its own reasons. You argue and you call it quits, sometimes this happens in a flash of 5 seconds. Sometimes, in the deepness of your heart you know it's the right thing. But many times, there is that something unfinished that remains. Like you know that person is going through some stress, some impending surgery or sickness of a relative, or some impending news. Or maybe something about you that you were both waiting for. Or it could just be that you both knew someone that later on hit a major milestone, or followed through with something. Once you are cut off, you have no way of knowing what happened with them; there is no way to share anything anymore about anyone. You know logically you need to move on, but then at the same time there's that guilt, like, 'what if something adverse happened, what if they were gonna go through a tough time and the selfish me could not have waited and left when it was a stronger time for them, does that make me a terrible person'... and you think you can move on if you can just get an update on this one thing, even if you know this "one thing" could turn into a bottomless list, especially if it was a long association.  

there are many breakups that simply feel unfinished, even after you have had the closure about the relationship itself. With time though, you run out of things that connect you. But until that happens, it gives you phantom pains.

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Post by confuzzled dude on Fri Feb 22, 2019 6:48 am

Such is life. You are stuck with the decisions you have made; one never gets a chance to go back in time and redo them in right way. I wouldn't characterize this situation as unfinished rather see it as a new page.

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Post by garam_kuta on Fri Feb 22, 2019 12:16 pm

well written clap

Self-perceived dignity is the root cause of many separations among adults. it can even suppress expression of fear and despair, asking the other to stay. Cold logic is mostly an excuse, founded on profits of self interests. Rarely people envision guilt, that consumes one later - seems like a curse, I should think.

there is no other option but to deal with it in another life!! Cool

Unless, of course, there's absolute commitment, right in the beginning.....

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Post by FluteHolder on Fri Feb 22, 2019 12:49 pm

Self-perceived dignity is the root cause of many separations among adults. it can even suppress expression of fear and despair, asking the other to stay. Cold logic is mostly an excuse, founded on profits of self interests. Rarely people envision guilt, that consumes one later - seems like a curse, I should think.


>>>
Where you got that! Nicely written. Sri M (one Spiritual Master whom I have mentioned here few times), mentions that ALMOST all our problems are because of not controlling our words. He says if we control and measure/gauge/guard our words to use when, how, to whom, on what occasion, and what results would be the outcome...

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Post by Kris on Fri Feb 22, 2019 2:02 pm

Measurement of words.. It goes hand in hand with the ability to control your emotions/ reaction time. Just taking a second to think about what you are saying, even and especially when you are angry, is I think the key to success in any interaction

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Post by FluteHolder on Fri Feb 22, 2019 2:27 pm

K, I agree. But when we believe that the other person whom we interact has a duty or have to agree with our own logic or a situation and we firmly believe/expect that they have to behave/agree the way WE want. This is more stronger in immediate/close relationships. And if that is the case, and frustration would lead to anger and if we are not careful, that is it, few words in anger can kill the relationship for ever.... and it will never be the same...
So when you are getting angry better become quiet or avoid the issue for time being or delay answering of course this is easier said than done until one gets some a hard lesson...

This is what SG says that if we expect others to agree/behave the WE Want, only few can fit to that category.

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Post by Kris on Fri Feb 22, 2019 2:40 pm

Unfortunately, what is done is done for this couple. From the gentleman’s POV, it would be better to make. clean break. Firstly, there can never be a real end to this as the lady”s life is not going to be free of problems forever; secondly, holding on to her in some fashion or another after the break up is going to stop him from focusing on his life and giving his all to the next relationship, if and when that happens. He needs to make an active choice to make the complete break for his own sanity. The selfishness is the leasr of the evils. Sad, but life is a messy business

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Post by Kris on Fri Feb 22, 2019 2:50 pm

FH,
While I don’t buy into meditation being the answer to everything, I firmly believe it centers you to be able to control yourself. On a personal note, I spend at least some time in introspection pretty much everyday, which I see as meditation. This goes back to my childhood and pretty much a habit. The slowing down of reaction time is probably one thing that has benefited me the most.

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Post by FluteHolder on Fri Feb 22, 2019 3:14 pm

What SG said is not on meditation. He stresses on clarity and doing what is needed for the situation. And mediation may help in clarity.

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Post by Kris on Fri Feb 22, 2019 3:23 pm

FH,

To clarify, I wasn’t responding to SG’S point. It was just my view on the benefits of meditation.

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Post by sulu on Fri Feb 22, 2019 7:27 pm

confuzzled dude wrote:Such is life. You are stuck with the decisions you have made; one never gets a chance to go back in time and redo them in right way. I wouldn't characterize this situation as unfinished rather see it as a new page.

yeah I guess, every breakup is a new page.

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Post by sulu on Fri Feb 22, 2019 7:41 pm

garam_kuta wrote:well written clap

Self-perceived dignity is the root cause of many separations among adults. it can even suppress expression of fear and despair, asking the other to stay. Cold logic is mostly an excuse, founded on profits of self interests. Rarely people envision guilt, that consumes one later - seems like a curse, I should think.

there is no other option but to deal with it in another life!! Cool

Unless, of course, there's absolute commitment, right in the beginning.....

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nice poem! 

and yeah, guilt, or even accusation, is a big thing, even if it's just one's own perception. When I began talking again to XB, and he saw me ending it with XH, his words were - 'i so wish i didn't let you go then, you wouldn't be so lost now'. And I try telling him that i have no regrets of marrying who i did, but in his mind, he should have stuck with me. I know of a couple who broke up, she had a brief troublesome affair with someone, and then they got together again. Her words were - 'you threw me to the dogs'.

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Post by sulu on Fri Feb 22, 2019 7:49 pm

Kris wrote:Unfortunately, what is done is done for this couple. From the gentleman’s POV, it would be better to make. clean break. Firstly, there can never be a real end to this as the lady”s life is not going to be free of problems forever; secondly, holding on to her in some fashion or another after the break up is going to stop him from focusing on his life and giving his all to the next relationship, if and when that happens. He needs to make an active choice to make the complete break for his own sanity. The selfishness  is the leasr of the evils. Sad, but life is a messy business

if the guy stayed back for even 6 months, he would have found it so difficult to leave her, either coz of his own guilt, or because of harsh judgement of everyone. So practically speaking, yes, he got out just in time. In a way it was good for her too, coz she was completely taken over by her own family, and spent some good time with them. I don't know how much longer she has to live, but i know she's in the most loving care possible. 

but if he's a sensitive person, i wonder what he must be thinking. 

but this was an extreme example. In normal breakups too, when you know all's find with the other, it's hard to do a full clean cut break, and takes a lot of willpower. I know i don't have it. I usually rely on the other to keep it, heh.

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Post by Kris on Sat Feb 23, 2019 12:00 pm

Yep, clean breaks are easier said than done, I am sure. He probably does harbor some guilt.. just human nature. I would worry about him if he doesn’t. However, a more or less “clean break” can be effected by focusing on other things to avoid dwelling on the past. Think of it as a “work around” (God, I am spending too much time around IT folks.. their lingo is starting to rub off on me Smile

P.S.I saw my kids go thru the first disappointments but was surprised how quickly they bounced back. Must be something in the American ethos. One patched up with the gf and still going strong after a couple of years, but asked me why I wasn’t saying hello when she came to the house. I told him ain’t happening. He got all flustered and thought I was over- reacting.

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Post by sulu on Sat Feb 23, 2019 5:43 pm

Kris wrote:Yep, clean breaks are easier said than done, I am sure. He probably does harbor some guilt.. just human nature. I would worry about him if he doesn’t. However, a more or less “clean break” can be effected by focusing on other things to avoid dwelling on the past. Think of it as a “work around” (God, I am spending too much time around IT folks.. their lingo is starting to rub off on me Smile

P.S.I saw my kids go thru the first disappointments but was surprised how quickly they bounced back. Must be something in the American ethos.  One patched up with the gf  and still going strong after a couple of years, but asked me why I wasn’t saying hello when she came to the house. I told him ain’t happening. He got all flustered and thought I was over- reacting.

haha @ workaround... as long as there is a "workaround", it is not a "showstopper", means we can breathe. 

word of caution regarding the son's gf. If this progresses into something, she WILL remember this. lol. so you better be the forever good guy that you are. it took years for my xfil and me to come to that understanding that we have now, even though we are no longer really related. Part of it was him seeing me through times and no longer judging me for my heritage (i.e. a hindi); and part of it was me evolving as a parent.

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Post by Kris on Sat Feb 23, 2019 7:39 pm

Good point on the gf. I didn’t think of that. It is getting serious. She hopped the pond for 3 days to meet him in Gotham last weekend. At this rate, I need to make my peace or enlist your help to find the young lad a Hindi ion the island of Manhattan

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