Re: jokes thread (english, hindi, tamil telugu etc.)

[Guest]

Tiger : Yaar Ye Saale Discovery aur Animal Planet walo ne bhi Pareshan kar k rakha hai..

Monkey - Kyun? Kya hua bhai!

Tiger - Saale ratdin camere lagake baithte hai, Privacy to dete nahi, aur fir bolte hain,

"Only Few Left..Only Few Left."

[smArtha]

In a Sunday school, a teacher wanted to inspire the children to aim for the highest. In a church school, the highest is heaven of course, not God. So the teacher asked the children, ‘If I give my wealth away to the church and serve the church, will I go to heaven?’ The children in unison said, ‘No!’ Then he asked, ‘If I serve the poor, wash the leper’s feet and wipe the tears of a child’s face, will I go to heaven?’ The children said, ‘No!’ Then he asked, ‘If I love my wife, love my children, take care of my family, do my duty to my nation, will I go to heaven?’ They said, ‘No!’ Then he asked, ‘Then what should I do to go to heaven?’ Little Tommy from the backbench said, ‘You got to die.’

[Guest]

In a Sunday school, a teacher wanted to inspire the children to aim for the highest. In a church school, the highest is heaven of course, not God. So the teacher asked the children, ‘If I give my wealth away to the church and serve the church, will I go to heaven?’ The children in unison said, ‘No!’ Then he asked, ‘If I serve the poor, wash the leper’s feet and wipe the tears of a child’s face, will I go to heaven?’ The children said, ‘No!’ Then he asked, ‘If I love my wife, love my children, take care of my family, do my duty to my nation, will I go to heaven?’ They said, ‘No!’ Then he asked, ‘Then what should I do to go to heaven?’ Little Tommy from the backbench said, ‘You got to die.’

lol.. or you could just be eating blueberry muffins like I am right now and you may not need to die at all, to feel heavenly I mean.

[indophile]

In a Sunday school, a teacher wanted to inspire the children to aim for the highest. In a church school, the highest is heaven of course, not God. So the teacher asked the children, ‘If I give my wealth away to the church and serve the church, will I go to heaven?’ The children in unison said, ‘No!’ Then he asked, ‘If I serve the poor, wash the leper’s feet and wipe the tears of a child’s face, will I go to heaven?’ The children said, ‘No!’ Then he asked, ‘If I love my wife, love my children, take care of my family, do my duty to my nation, will I go to heaven?’ They said, ‘No!’ Then he asked, ‘Then what should I do to go to heaven?’ Little Tommy from the backbench said, ‘You got to die.’

lol.. or you could just be eating blueberry muffins like I am right now and you may not need to die at all, to feel heavenly I mean.

Somewhat like - 

taqdeer hai
magar kismat nahi khulti
mahal banwana chahta hun
magar mumtaz nahi milti
 
taqdeer hai
magar kismat nahi khulti
mumtaz milgayi hai
magar woh mehbooba nahi marti

[Bittu]

every day sunny leone creates history..
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then we have to go to settings and clear that history.

[Guest]

yeah, right! Lol!

[tapori]

Sardaar apni daaru ki lat se barbaad ho ke ek din gusse me aake daaru ki khali bottles bahar faikne lage. Pehli faiki aur bole teri vajah se mera ghar gaya, dushri faiki aur bole teri vajah meri naukri gayi, teeshri faiki aur bole teri vajah se meri biwi gayi, chauthi bhari hui dekh ke bola "tu side me aaja isme Tera koi koosoor nahi hei"

[tapori]

When Modi meet zuckerberg

Zuckerberg : what can I do for betterment of people ??
...
...
.,,
...
,,,
...
...

Modi : pehle woh candy crush bandh kar ..saale ....

[Guest]

"मोनू कक्षा छ: में पढ़ता था।
लगातार 4 दिनों तक स्कूल में देर से आने पर मैडम ने कहा- तुम इतना लेट स्कूल क्यों आते हो?
मोनू- मैडम, आप मेरी इतनी चिंता मत किया करें। बच्चे गलत समझते हैं ! "

[tapori]

Haad ho gayi biwi log na chain se jine deti hei aur karva chauth karje na marne deti hei....

[Guest]

Haad ho gayi biwi log na chain se jine deti hei aur karva chauth karje na marne deti hei....

Wife logo ko kuchh nahi bolna. I am in team-wife now.

[tapori]

Height of prank call

[tapori]

A Student writes a letter to Maths...

Dear Maths,

Stop asking about Ex... she is not coming back

[Guest]

[Guest]

Frustrated professional life....

HR: kaha gaye the?
Employee: Baal katwaane .
HR: office hours me?
Employee: Baal badhe bhi toh office hours me he hain na
HR: Ghar me rehte ho, tabhi bhi toh badhte hai na tumhare Baal
Employee: Takla thodi na kiya hai,
jitne office me badhe the utne he katwaaye hain

[Guest]

[Guest]

Non-veg stuff: 

Q – Why Are Condoms Transparent?
A – So That Sperms Can At Least Enjoy The Scene Even If Their Entry Is Restricted!
Q – What Is The New Aids Awareness Slogan?
A – Try Different Positions With The Same Woman Instead Of Same Position With Different Women.
Q – What Will Happen If Earth Rotates 30 Times Faster?
A – Men Will Get Their Salary Everyday And Women Will Bleed To Death.
Q – Why Do 90% Girls Have Left Boob Bigger Than Right?
A – Because 90% Boys Are Right Handed.
Q – What Is The Difference Between A Panty & A Stage Curtain?
A – When You Pull Down The Stage Curtain, The Show Is Over, But When You Pull Down The Panty.. It Is Showtime!
Q – What Does A Signboard Out Side A Prostitute’s House Say?
A – Married Men Not Allowed Here. Because We Serve The Needy, Not The Greedy.
Q – What Is The Similarity Between A Wife And A Chewing Gum?
A – Both Are Sweet In The Beginning But Become Tasteless And Shapeless Later.
Q – Why Is Sex Like Shaving?
A – Well, Because No Matter How Well You Do It Today. Tomorrow You’ll Have To Do It Again.
Laugh time

1. Question: “Why Can’t Anybody Satisfy A Woman Completely?” 
Answer: “Because Nobody Has A Dick Made Of Gold, Decorated With Diamonds And Ejaculates Cash

2. Question: “Why Did Newton Commit Suicide?” 
Answer: “Because He Saw A Complete Naked Girl, And Observed Something Going Up In His Pant, Against His Own Laws Of Motion

3. Questions: “Why Do Men Wear Underwear?” 
Answer: “As Per Military Rules, All Types Of Weapons Should Be Kept Covered During Peace Time“

4. Questions: “Why Are Vegetarian Women Silent During Sex?”
 Answer: “They Are In State Of Shock That A Piece Of Meat Can Give So Much Pleasure“

5. Question: Why Do Women Wear Panty?
Answer: Because State Law Says All Main-Holes Must Be Covered When Not In Use.

[Guest]

Virginity is like a Balloon, One prick and it's gone for ever!

Sex is like a pack of Chips, Once you start, 
You can't stop!

An Exam paper is like a Dick, When it's hard, People get fucked

Education is like hiring a prostitute, It needs both your money and your hardwork!

Success is like masturbating, Only your own hand can let you achieve it! 

Life without Friends is like Boobs Without Nipples. IT'S POINTLESS!

 Fuck a woman and she Loves you. Love a woman when she Fucks you.


MBBS Final Exam question paper: Fill in the blanks. If a woman faints, we must first check her pu_s_. Only few students who wrote: 'Pulse' passed.


The saddest part of a Man's body is his Balls. They are sentenced to Hang Till Death!

Boy: How much Calcium is there in women's BREASTS?
Girl: It Enough to help a Man's Boneless Thing stand up

Give an example of Total Business Failure due to Negligence. A Pregnant Prostitute

If Necessity is the Mother of Invention, Then Frustration is the Father of Masturbation! 

If your Boss says: Nothing is Impossible ask him to wear condom after sex!


So basically life is PORNOGRAPHY

Disclaimer: I am not responsible if anyone is offended.

[Guest]

Since 31st Dec is near... Self Care Tips will be useful.... For the 31st , night Celebrations !!  

1. Symptom : Cold and humid feet.
Cause : Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the Drink on your feet).
Cure : Manoeuver glass until open end is facing upward...

2. Symptom : The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause : You're lying on the floor.
Cure : Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

3. Symptom : The floor looks blurry.
Cause : looking through an empty glass.
Cure : Quickly refill your glass!

4. Symptom : The floor is moving.
Cause : You're being dragged away.
Cure : At least ask where they're taking you!

5. Symptom : You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause : You have your glass on your ear and tryin to drink from it
Cure : Stop making a fool of yourself!

6. Symptom : Your wife, kids, mom, dad, bro and sis are looking funny.
Cause : You're in the wrong house.
Cure : Ask if they can point you to your house.

7. Symptom : The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause : You're in an ambulance.
Cure : Don't move. Let the professionals do their job

ISSUED IN PUBLIC INTEREST

[Guest]

How to make Rs. 1 crore in stock market....!!
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Start with Rs. 10 crore

[Guest]

[Guest]

funny, i also looked at my thumb, 2-3 times... then thought the punch line must be about it, and went to the last line, lol.

[Guest]

funny, i also looked at my thumb, 2-3 times... then thought the punch line must be about it, and went to the last line, lol.f

I was like, 'why the hell are they looking at their thumbs?' It didn't register when i read it the first time around. I had to go back and re-read it.

[Guest]

[Guest]

http://diply.com/auntyacid/17-hilarious-examples-dad-logic/59517/4

[Guest]

Moms texting. I fair better than them for sure! :

http://diply.com/auntyacid/11-reasons-why-parents-should-never-be-allowed-text/56659/2

[Guest]

Delhi- Save Water.
.
Mumbai- Save  Petrol.
.
Gujrat- Save Tree
.
Or Apna M. P.
- Sev Permal.
- Sev Nukti.
- Sev Micture.
- Sev Tamater
Apan Khane Me Hi Lage Rehte Hai...

[Guest]

Q: What is the biggest lie ever told in a hindi movie?
Ans: Zeenat Aman in a bikini singing & asking "Kya dekhte ho" &
Feroz khan answering: Surat tumhari..!!

[Guest]

Vintage hyderabadi joke....

Hyderabadi Customer : Merku Cheque Deposit Karna Hai Kab Tak Clear Karte.

Banker : 2 ya 3 Din Mein Clear Hojata.

Customer : Dono Banks To Amne Samne Ich Hai Phir Itti Der Kaiku.

Banker : Sir, Procedure Follow Karna Padhta, ‪#Misal‬ ke Tor Pe, Agar Ap Qabristan Ke Bahar Accident Mein Margaye To Apku Ghar KU Leke Jate, Gusal Dete, Kafan Pehnate, Janaze Ki Namaz Padhate. Ya Phir Marte Ich Samne Ke Qabristan Mein Dafan Karte.

Customer : Aise Baigan ke misala nako de re bawa, samaj gaya

[garam-kuta]

#Rahul returns.
After his return, RG calls up the domino's pizza and yells at the manager, "You idiot!, I just got a pizza delivered and there are no toppings or cheese or nothing. It is just brown bread in a round shape. What kind of joke is this. Do you know who I am? I will get your shop closed etc etc"
Half an hour later, Soniaji calls the manager and aplogises saying that Rahul opened the pizza box upside down.

[tapori]

मुन्ना & सर्किट
मुन्ना : क्या कर रेले है सर्किट ?
सर्किट : भाई बल्ब पे बाप का नाम
लिख रेले हु
मुन्ना : क्यों !
सर्किट : भाई , बाप का नाम रोशन
करने का हे न .
〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰
मुन्ना : ऐ सर्किट ये डॉक्टर लोग
ऑपरेशन से पहले पेशेंट को बेहोश क्यों
करते है ?
सर्किट : भाई ! बोले तो पेशेंट ऑपरेशन
सिख गया तो डॉक्टर लोगो की तो वाट
लग जाएगी न .
〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰
सर्किट : भाई , अपुन ने कल सानिया
मिर्ज़ा से फ़ोन पे बात की .
मुन्ना भाई : अरे वह , क्या कहा उसने .
सर्किट : उसने कहा , मामू रॉंग नंबर !!
〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰
मुन्ना : ये गांधी बापू
हर नोट में हस्ते ही क्यों रहते है ??
सर्किट : सिंपल है
भाई , रोयेंगे तो नोट
गीला हो जाएंगे न .
〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰
सर्किट - भाई , अमेरिकन राष्ट्रपति
कहा रहता हे ?
मुन्ना - धोबीघाट पे
सर्किट - धोबीघाट बोले तो ?
मुन्ना - इंग्लिश में बोले तो
“वाशिंग टाउन "
〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰
मुन्ना भाई : आय सर्किट , बापू बोले तो
गांधी जी कपडे क्यों नहीं पहनते थे ?
सर्किट : भाई बोले तोह बापू भी उस
टाइम के सलमान खान थे !!!
〰〰〰〰〰

[Guest]

lol.. how u tings? come on chat if free, been a long time.

[Guest]

[Seva Lamberdar]

[tapori]

"knock  knock"

Basanti - "who's there"

"Thakur"

Basanti - "oh! so you're feeling horny today"

Thakur - "no no ! not at all"

Basanti - "Liar ! then how did you manage to knock the door"

[seven]

एक मुल्ला अमेरिका से अपनी
अम्मी को फोन करता है.....

खान : अम्मी मुझे एड्स हो गया है....
अम्मी : तू वापस मत आना बेटा.....
खान : क्यू अम्मी...?

अम्मी : अगर तू वापस आया तो
तेरी बीबी को एड्स होगा,
तेरी बीबी से तेरे भाई को होगा,
भाई से नौकरानी को,
नौकरानी से तेरे अब्बा को,
अब्बा से तेरी मौसी को,
मौसी से मौसा को,
मौसा से मुझे,
मुझसे हमारे ड्राइवर को,
ड्राइवर से तेरी बहना को,
और अगर तेरी बहना को हो गया तो
सारे गाँव को हो जाएगा !
बेटा तुझे अल्लाह का वास्ता, सारे गाँव को बचा ले बेटा.. मत आना।

[garam-kuta]

Just spent 30 minutes on the treadmill. Tomorrow, I might turn it on.

[Guest]

A man is playing golf with his friend when a funeral procession goes by. He hurriedly stops his friend from teeing off, and, with a solemn nod toward the procession, he removes his hat and holds it over his heart. His friend does the same. After a few moments, the funeral procession fades from sight.
"That was really nice of you," says his friend. "Do you know who that was?"
"Yeah," the man says. "After 37 years of marriage, it was the least I could do."

[Guest]

A man is playing golf with his friend when a funeral procession goes by. He hurriedly stops his friend from teeing off, and, with a solemn nod toward the procession, he removes his hat and holds it over his heart. His friend does the same. After a few moments, the funeral procession fades from sight.
"That was really nice of you," says his friend. "Do you know who that was?"
"Yeah," the man says. "After 37 years of marriage, it was the least I could do."

[goodcitizn]

A man is playing golf with his friend when a funeral procession goes by. He hurriedly stops his friend from teeing off, and, with a solemn nod toward the procession, he removes his hat and holds it over his heart. His friend does the same. After a few moments, the funeral procession fades from sight.
"That was really nice of you," says his friend. "Do you know who that was?"
"Yeah," the man says. "After 37 years of marriage, it was the least I could do."

I have heard that golf really is an abbreviation of "Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden."

[seven]

मोदी:- 
'पेशाब के बाद साबुन से हाथ जरूर धोना चाहिए'.

दिग्विजय सिंह :- 
मैंने तो आज तक नहीं धोये, यह आरएसएस की चाल है आरएसएस अपनी विचारधारा को थोपना चाहता है .

अकबरुदीन ओवेसी:- 
मोदी में हिम्मत है तो हैदराबाद आ कर हाथ धो कर दिखाए ।

सोनिया गांधी :- 
गरीब विरोधी सरकार है, जिस के पास साबुन नहीं वो कैसे हाथ धोएगा साबुन से , इस्तीफ़ा इस्तीफ़ा , संसद नहीं चलने देंगे.

लालू :- 
कैसे मोदी जबरदस्ती से तानाशाह हो गए हैं , हमारी मर्जी , हम धोएंगे नहीं चाटेंगे।

मायावती:-
साबुन से हाथ धोने से कीटाणु मर जाते हैं, झारखण्ड में आदिवासी लोग कीटाणुओं को देवता मानते हैं , ये मनुवादी सरकार है दलितों का अपमान नहीं सहेंगे ।

मीडिया:- 
पेशाब के बाद हाथ धोना क्यों जरूरी है? क्या यही लोकतंत्र है? शाम 6 बजे देखिये बड़ी बहस "सवाल धोने का नहीं पर हाथ पर पेशाब ही क्यों करें?"

नितीश कुमार :- 
यह लोकतंत्र पर हमला है , लोगो पर छोड़ देना चाहिए की वो हाथ धोएं या नहीं , हम बिहार में हाथ नहीं धोने वालों को 30 % आरक्षण देंगे .

राहुल गांधी:- 
मोदी जी हाथ धोने ही नहीं देते

दुकानदार मोदी से:-
साहिब ये बवाल क्यों हो रहा है?

मोदी :- 
एक Handwash दे यार, इनका रोज का ड्रामा है.

[seven]

I'm so old I
Remember when a
hashtag was called 
A pound sign

And we played
TIC-TAC-TOE
on that shit


A policeman radio's in
To headquarters 
"Hello is that you Sarg?

"Yes". Go ahead. 

"We have a case here. 
A woman has shot her
Husband for stepping on a floor 
She had just mopped clean."

"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No, sir. The floor is
still wet"




Difference between a 
Divorce and a 
Circumcision 
That's easy!
With a divorce you
Get rid of The
Whole dick

Courtesy: whatsapp

[MsShaanze]

[Guest]

Anil Kapoor - "में प्रेम दा प्याला पि आया, इक पल में सदियाँ जी आया"
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Ash - "वो Rum था जोगी....वो Rum था जोगी"

[Guest]

i do this too lol 

[Guest]

An atheist was walking through the woods admiring the nature around him. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals,” he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look, and suddenly saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him!
He ran up the path as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was gaining on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and now the bear was even closer.
In his haste, the man tripped on a root and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
“You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”
The atheist looked directly into the light and said, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?”
“Very well,” said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke, “Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”

[Darrylul8]

If you want to make a stronger position in today's competitive IT industry, then you need the strong expertise knowledge and the accumulated efforts. The CertsOfficial offers you KEYWORD in PDF to perform well in your exams by preparing Question Answers. The Certsofficial is best in a way to provide you the best study material.

[TruthSeeker]

What makes U sleep?

Pillow?

Pill Lo? (tablets)

Or

Pii Lo (Daaru).

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