I have two children. My son is older and has autism, severe learning disabilities and special needs. My daughter is 11 months old and has kept me up for the last four nights crying continuously due to colic. My husband was laid off in December and he does not help out as much as I would like him to. He is depressed. My in-laws are old and helping my sister-in-law watch her two children in India. My mother is old and has a broken hip, so she cannot help out much except with cooking.

I love my children but I am tired of my life as a parent. I am tired of being a stay at home mother and being the sole caregiver. I am a physician by training, so I can go back to work part-time but my husband refuses to be the stay at home dad even for three weekdays. Right now he is at a job interview.

I miss my former life and freedom. I put in so many years into my education. I made twice as much as my husband. We had a good marriage. We could come and go at anytime. We would sleep until noon on the weekend. We would eat out so many times in a week. We would travel on a whim. We enjoyed our vacations. Now I am just too tired and depressed. I look at my childless friends on Facebook and feel envious. They are excelling in their careers, exercising in their free time, taking exotic vacations with their husbands, have enviable bodies and lifestyles. I could have all of that but I made the terrible mistake of having children and I cannot leave my son with special needs with a stranger. I wish I had never had children.

take-stick-beat-husband-problem solved. leave-children-alone. thank-u.

what is preventing you from seeking a career yourself? why do you blame your children for that? while i've seen people like you, i've also seen the other side -- waiting too long to have children and then not being able to conceive. that leaves major scars on women who have put it off for too long too.

Impedimenta wrote:take-stick-beat-husband-problem solved. leave-children-alone. thank-u.

best advice. *thumbs up*

dear rashmi,

yours is a sad story and I feel sorry that you have had such a rough experience with the children .Most of the time having them is a joy I am told .especially for the mom.

I dont have any yet ..I don't miss but would like to have one or two some time soon .

reading about ur life is making me have second thoughts now

keep on being best buddies with your husband .impress upon him how important it is for you to work ..so there is income and no shame in a husband staying at home to help out .

Please dont despair ..you are a mediacal doctor a lot of your friends probably arent . you will one of these days overcome these state of affairs .

all the best for 2012

Impedimenta wrote:take-stick-beat-husband-problem solved. leave-children-alone. thank-u.

why beat husband Impy ? all this can happen in a family and the result is tragic . she has a special need child

MaxEntropy_Man wrote:what is preventing you from seeking a career yourself? why do you blame your children for that? while i've seen people like you, i've also seen the other side -- waiting too long to have children and then not being able to conceive. that leaves major scars on women who have put it off for too long too.

Max,

she has explained why she has not sought a job yet

moreover part time job in a medical profession isnt easy

many husbands are resistant to staying at home looking after kids

u have to be in her shoes to know .

I hate to say this in front of rashmi but better to postpone having children and adopt as and when one wishes than to have a handicapped child to rear

Im really surprised at the replies so far showing complete lack of sympathy

Tell that to your kids and they would either regret for you or for them. Get a full time job and hire professional help for you kid. If you were to STM for life and when they grow up healthy and you let them know that you sacrificed for them - they could laff back at you and may not value your career and life sacrifices.

Sacrificing is not for everyone...you do what you really wish to do in life and not regret about it for doing something you do not wish to do.

chameli, did you write this troll?

rashmi wrote:I have two children. My son is older and has autism, severe learning disabilities and special needs. My daughter is 11 months old and has kept me up for the last four nights crying continuously due to colic. My husband was laid off in December and he does not help out as much as I would like him to. He is depressed. My in-laws are old and helping my sister-in-law watch her two children in India. My mother is old and has a broken hip, so she cannot help out much except with cooking.

I love my children but I am tired of my life as a parent. I am tired of being a stay at home mother and being the sole caregiver. I am a physician by training, so I can go back to work part-time but my husband refuses to be the stay at home dad even for three weekdays. Right now he is at a job interview.

I miss my former life and freedom. I put in so many years into my education. I made twice as much as my husband. We had a good marriage. We could come and go at anytime. We would sleep until noon on the weekend. We would eat out so many times in a week. We would travel on a whim. We enjoyed our vacations. Now I am just too tired and depressed. I look at my childless friends on Facebook and feel envious. They are excelling in their careers, exercising in their free time, taking exotic vacations with their husbands, have enviable bodies and lifestyles. I could have all of that but I made the terrible mistake of having children and I cannot leave my son with special needs with a stranger. I wish I had never had children.

Given your circumstances, the pragmatic thing would be for you to get that part-time position, so the family's income is secure. Your husband needs to understand what is good for the family and the children. Taking some of the responsibility for the children may also get him out of that depression, once he feels that he is doing something useful by taking care of his kids. All of this coming from you may not work though... his friends / siblings / parents need to give him the same advice.

I don't have children, so I can't answer your question on regret. From my conversations with friends, it seems like most parents go through phases when they wonder why they made the choice to have kids, but hopefully there are also many times when you experience happiness you otherwise wouldn't have without the kids.

In the very short-term, both your husband and you need to take a few days off your regular duties: you from being primary caregiver, and he from his job search. That should help with the depression and stress levels.

Also watch the movie Chocolate (Thai). It is about a mentally challenged girl's love for her Mom. At the end of the movie it says a msg..."In the imperfect world we live in ....love is close to near perfection" - something like that. (Take a break!)

Tracy Whitney wrote:chameli, did you write this troll?

Tracy , you little bitch .... you leave me with no option but to call you that

do yu see the gravity of this situation ? Is that all you think of .miss piggy investigative reporter .who is a troll and who is not ?

step back and consider what you would have done under similar circumstances ..rashmi has a genuine problem here ..

charvaka/boss,

how sad it all is ..no one is to blame here i do hope rashmi finds her way out of this

if you are not trolling, you are going through a pretty rough phase. first, get some sleep. sleep when the baby sleeps. since you are a physician- have you considered post-partum depression? once you've gotten some sleep, you could start looking for a part-time job and a day-care for your infant, at least for the hours you'll be working. look into co-op type day-cares, they may be a good option. don't know of resources for your older child, but you could look them up. and in the mean-time you could bundle up your kids and just get out of the house for a few hours every day.

My sincere advice: get yourself a job, hire a professional helper for your older son and a good baby sitter for your daughter (yes, you can afford it if you get yourself a job). It's good for you and your children. Also, check out the options of social secutiy and other disability benefits that the govt provides. You could get some of them even if you don't have a GC and citizenship.

An unemployed husband+a qualified mom sacrificing her career+an exhausted stayhome mom taking care of young children, esp a disabled child and a infant child+financial difficulities=depression+ disharmony in the household. That's not good for the kids either.

So, get yourself a job. It's good for you in the long run too.

1I pray and wish you hubby gets a good job soon.

2.Try to calm down,hire a baby sitter for a day first...relax ur mind and get few hours of sleep,once ur fresh mind will give u all solutions to ur problems.

3.When babies cry..mind just goes blank...I can really empathize with you.You are good parent...I don't think u regret having kids...else why would go for second one?

4.You had good life...now it's time to work on ur future happiness...to nurture ur little ones...be strong ..such hard times won't last long..it's all part of life...

5.There would be a time when ur body will be too weak to go for vacations or eat good food...ur soul will long for warm hugs and unconditional kiss, only children can offer this kinda love...Never regret having them ...

Good Luck lady...

What's wrong with tracy? why is she so evil and acts like sicko these days?

why would anybody troll about small kids ???

seriously i don't get it...

Assuming this is not a troll I am posting the responses.

rashmi wrote:I have two children. My son is older and has autism, severe learning disabilities and special needs. .

The "GOODWILL" stores have a therapy system etc for these kind of kids. I know of a family that sends their kid (severe autism since birth and is no wmore than 30 yrs) to goodwill. They pick up and drop off too. To my knowledge this is either free or cheap. Plus if you are GC holder or citizen, you can apply for social security for this autistic kid. Google and find more details. Unfortunately I do not have any more details for you. It is not hard to find I beleive.

My daughter is 11 months old and has kept me up for the last four nights crying continuously due to colic. .

Keep her stomach empty. By feeding and over feeding the moms make a mistake repeatedly. By eating people have suffered and by fasting for a day or two they almost recover from every possible generic ailment. Plus for a 11 mo old baby to have colic is not uncommon at all. Take it easy. All days will not be the same. New moon is replaced by the full moon and vice versa.

My husband was laid off in December and he does not help out as much as I would like him to. He is depressed.

This is like the saying, show me an IT specialist and I will show you a laid off worker. Familiar stuff in this economy. Two options here. Either smile and take in his stride or cry and lament (but you have to take into your stride). Lamenting takes you nowhere btw.

I miss my former life and freedom. .... I wish I had never had children.

If you were unmarried you would think the exact opposite. Right now you have just one problem of your husband's job. If he is gainfully employed again, you will dramatically think opposite. Give it a try and think about it. Freedom? What freedom you had in student life? You mean you could go where you want and did what you like? How was that freedom? You had more time and no responsibilities.

I do not know if you are religious or not, but here is what I think. God chooses some people to do things like 'tending the autistic child' becuase He thinks that these special parents can ONLY DO that. He won't send them to Tracy, Bittu or a TAZ because He knows we are UNFIT and have no patience to tend to special children. You are choosen special for that special kid. If He took so much care, won't He take further care of you? Even in the Bible the same/similar thing is said.

Throw your negative thought out and think outside the box. Ramakrishna Paramahansa used to say "Hold one hand to work and one hand to God, and when work is over, hold both hands to God." That is the best thing you can go. Good luck to you.

I cannot help you with your more serious problems - autistic child (how old?), non-pragmaticl husband etc. But I can tell you a little something about soothing a colicy baby.

I thought, by 11 months, colic problems in babies get resolved. It's more common around 2 to 4 months. We had one .... long time ago. We tried prosobee formula (soy based), carried the baby for hours, tried Woodwards gripewater, and other stuff. Surprisingly, what worked was the washing machine treatment. Put the baby with the receiving blanket etc., on top of the washing machine and turn it on. It first calmed the baby somewhat (you don't have to carry either), but once the machine went into spin cycle, it's like Six Flags for the baby (vocalizations showed delight).

kinnera wrote:My sincere advice: get yourself a job, hire a professional helper for your older son and a good baby sitter for your daughter (yes, you can afford it if you get yourself a job). It's good for you and your children. Also, check out the options of social secutiy and other disability benefits that the govt provides. You could get some of them even if you don't have a GC and citizenship.

An unemployed husband+a qualified mom sacrificing her career+an exhausted stayhome mom taking care of young children, esp a disabled child and a infant child+financial difficulities=depression+ disharmony in the household. That's not good for the kids either.

So, get yourself a job. It's good for you in the long run too.

>>>Agree with everything you said, but this is a troll.

I didn't think this as a troll coz I have seen few ppl with autistic kids.

Last time when I was in desh I visited one of my friends. Her story is a pathetic story: Arranged Marriage to a dork with evil MIL who poisoned her when she was pregg, she survived along with the baby. But the baby was born with mental challenges. She is separated but not divorced. She stays with her Mom and brother and raising her Son. She is highly successful in career and even doctors are amazed to see her Son's performance.

Looks like they told her he won't be able to speak but that child can not only speak but also sing and is gifted with divine voice. What's astonishing is that with all her problems she looks so happy and makes others happy with her contagious smile.