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He hates sex but loves going on dates, making dinner together, snuggling while watching movies
by Rishi Fri May 31, 2013 4:47 pm
Dear Prudence,
I feel like a complete oddity, but I am a male who hates sex. I feel dirty and gross during and after the process. When I’m with a partner I do my best to help satisfy their needs and desires, but I almost always have to rush to the shower afterward. Some times I simply can't even be touched without jerking away and having a panic attack. But I do love going on dates, making dinner together, snuggling while watching movies. I've tried therapy and anti-anxiety meds, but two years of seeing a psychiatrist hasn't helped much and the meds just make me feel even more disconnected. Help!
—Asexual Romantic
Dear Asexual,
About half the husbands who write to me with marital problems would say their wives are looking for a guy just like you. Someone who wants to help in the kitchen! Someone who wants to get cozy during a movie! Someone who wants to get into bed in order to read and fall asleep! It’s interesting that while you recoil from the sex act, and sometimes even from another’s touch, at other times you are happy to cuddle. Given your distress about your situation, of course I would have suggested therapy. But you’ve been in it for two years with no improvement. You went to your doctor with a specific goal, and when it became clear no progress was being made the plug should have been pulled. Not every problem can be fixed, but it might be worth it to at least try a therapist with a different approach, one who will agree to a treatment timeline. But let’s say that whatever you do, you remain repelled by the physical act, yet desirous of a warm, loving partnership. I think you should take a look at the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network and see if it speaks to you. Humans are infinitely variable, and you may simply be someone who for whatever reason falls on the far end of the sexuality spectrum. AVEN even has a Meetup Mart, for people to connect (within limits!) to others who share their perspective. It may be a relief to you to no longer have to please partners whose needs so profoundly conflict with your own.
—Prudie
I feel like a complete oddity, but I am a male who hates sex. I feel dirty and gross during and after the process. When I’m with a partner I do my best to help satisfy their needs and desires, but I almost always have to rush to the shower afterward. Some times I simply can't even be touched without jerking away and having a panic attack. But I do love going on dates, making dinner together, snuggling while watching movies. I've tried therapy and anti-anxiety meds, but two years of seeing a psychiatrist hasn't helped much and the meds just make me feel even more disconnected. Help!
—Asexual Romantic
Dear Asexual,
About half the husbands who write to me with marital problems would say their wives are looking for a guy just like you. Someone who wants to help in the kitchen! Someone who wants to get cozy during a movie! Someone who wants to get into bed in order to read and fall asleep! It’s interesting that while you recoil from the sex act, and sometimes even from another’s touch, at other times you are happy to cuddle. Given your distress about your situation, of course I would have suggested therapy. But you’ve been in it for two years with no improvement. You went to your doctor with a specific goal, and when it became clear no progress was being made the plug should have been pulled. Not every problem can be fixed, but it might be worth it to at least try a therapist with a different approach, one who will agree to a treatment timeline. But let’s say that whatever you do, you remain repelled by the physical act, yet desirous of a warm, loving partnership. I think you should take a look at the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network and see if it speaks to you. Humans are infinitely variable, and you may simply be someone who for whatever reason falls on the far end of the sexuality spectrum. AVEN even has a Meetup Mart, for people to connect (within limits!) to others who share their perspective. It may be a relief to you to no longer have to please partners whose needs so profoundly conflict with your own.
—Prudie
Rishi- Posts : 5129
Join date : 2011-09-02
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