a touch of sympathy

Two weeks ago I dropped a heavy glass on my toe. The glass didn't break, but my toe was crushed. Luckily it didn't fracture. But there was a lot of blood and ruptured skin and dislocated nail. My son was there so I tried to downplay it, after my initial scream. But he saw it and ran after me with a paper towel to wipe the blood, trying hard not to cry. I thought it will all be over in a couple of hours and went to work.

It took me full 24 hours to realize the seriousness of the injury. When I would be in immense pain if even a light fabric touched my toe. I continued to bleed through my band aids for two days, every time I attempted walking. There was nothing else to be done except to change the bandage and put neosporin. It would be hard for me to even touch it, leave alone changing it.

Here is where XH came in. He would carefully unwrap the bandaid, clean the wound, ignoring how gross it looked, put neosporin and wrapped tight a newer band aid. Did it for 3 days, and all evenings.

Since I could not walk, I limped. Limping can take a big toll on your body, activating muscles not used to it. I considered not going to work, but this was not something that gets better by resting out a day, so I continued. Driving was a pain too, as I had to brake with the middle of my foot.

Every night i would crash with pain. Medicines only helped so much. XH would be sitting right next to me. And it took me all of my will power to not lean over and lie on his lap. I seriously considered it. Debated with myself. Weighed out the pros and cons of it. Every night. And eventually decided against it. Was not fair to start something new for 5 minutes of comfort. I am a big girl, I can handle some pain.

Yesterday, I heard some tragic news of a bff (I have 2-3 BFFs). Went into a shock. Was chatting furiously with all my friends. XH sat by me all through it. Asking me about it. I told him whatever I could, but I was busier chatting. Overall, I was in a big shock. Everytime I sighed, he would look up at me.

Eventually we went upstairs to sleep. I just could not sleep. I could not breathe. My dark room, which I normally find very comforting, felt like it was closing in on me. I got up and took anti histamine, blaming allergies for my blocked nose.

I still could not breathe. Eventually I went to his room and cuddled myself under his blanket. He didn't have the blanket on him. He was watching tv. He had a warm sidetable-lamp on. And he was checking news on his iPhone. The moment I laid next to him, I began crying, something I was trying to withhold for 2 hours. He began gently rubbing his hand over by head. That turned me into big sobs. I was crying audibly now. He kept his hand on my head. Eventually I got up, washed my face, and drank some water, and came back.

Jimmy Kimmel was on, and I finally began feeling sleepy. Usually I hate light and sound when trying to close my eyes, but found both of them comforting. It saved me from the panic I was feeling in my own room. XH now had his hand on my arm at times. I got interested in the show, inspite of my low mood, it was a good distraction.

Finally, by the time it was over, I was feeling better and could breathe again. I thanked XH and went back to my own room. The crying didn't really stop until mid day today, when another common friend assured me she would pass on my message. (I called in sick. Was feeling really stuffy and sick and son was not well too). I tried to find distraction, but I kept falling back in the dark.

I also kept trying to place XH's role in my life and vice versa. I am not thinking it because it was a moment of weakness for me. But because of how things have been for a while now, actually ever since we got divorced. I wonder how will things pan out as we get older, and probably see more tragedies and sicknesses, in our lives and lives of dear ones. Will we need each other more and more, or will it be easy growing apart and older. Are our strongest days over, or are they yet to come. Sometimes I just feel desperate and guilty about everything that happened between us. Some of his choices, some of my choices. I keep thinking if we will ever be able to build something cherishing again.

One of the reasons I also cried was, for a human a touch is so important. That's the only thing I miss after my divorce. I hug my kids as much as possible. But the comfort you get from someone else's loving touch is something else. When you are down and feeling low, a simple touch from someone who cares can make so much difference. I just wish that I keep getting that until my last moment. I wish the same for my kids. The coldness of being alone is probably as bad as dead cold, I think.

Life is simple. We make it complicated. Keep it simple. Marry your xh again. you are living together anyway. you will get to hug him and more.

oh n sorry about your toe. it sounds terrible. 

on a lighter note, i need the nail on my middle finger of right hand to break and come off. hate it.

So sweet. Aren't you lucky to have such a caring XH. As for your other comment, I think the strongest days are yet to come.

Sorry to read about the injury to your foot / toe, BK. I hope you are feeling better now. Nice of your XH to give you lots of TLC.
- Seva

thanks  my toe is better now. Hoping within a week i will be running again, i mean if I want to, and only as clumsily as i used to run pre-injury hehe.