Some marriages survive better in joint family settings

by Guest Sat Jul 16, 2011 10:21 am

...don't you think? The couple have a dozen people to interact with. There are chacha, bhatija, what not to help you keep going. There is maa, chachi to pamper you. There is jethani, nanand to fight with. There are so many kids to jointly run after.

And amidst all that chaos, there is that one room or suite which truly belongs to you. After a hard day of battles, that's where you retire. Gives you only so much time in the day to focus on this one man or woman who is your spouse. Besides, you NEED to keep atleast one ally in the house. Before you know it, you'd be celebrating your diamond anniversary with this stranger.

Remove all that extra noise, and you get all those walls and him/her. It's like you are seeing that person (and only that person) closely only now. There is no longer a need to keep an ally too, coz there's no battlefield.

Moreover, it's just the two of you to run this ship. Only the two of you to pamper each other. And just the two of you with the full responsibilty to raise the kids.

What do you do then? You pick up this same person, and fight.

by .|Sublime|. Sat Jul 16, 2011 10:50 am

who is 'the janitor' that people keep referring to?

by Guest Sat Jul 16, 2011 10:51 am

.|Sublime|. wrote:who is 'the janitor' that people keep referring to?

the handle that would 'swipe out' all those threads.

by MaxEntropy_Man Sat Jul 16, 2011 10:57 am

even TS and his "behnas" are boring these days.

by Marathadi-Saamiyaar Sat Jul 16, 2011 11:19 am

MaxEntropy_Man wrote:even TS and his "behnas" are boring these days.

How was your India trip ?

Where all did you go ?

by Guest Sat Jul 16, 2011 11:23 am

Tracy Whitney wrote:...don't you think? The couple have a dozen people to interact with. There are chacha, bhatija, what not to help you keep going. There is maa, chachi to pamper you. There is jethani, nanand to fight with. There are so many kids to jointly run after.

And amidst all that chaos, there is that one room or suite which truly belongs to you. After a hard day of battles, that's where you retire. Gives you only so much time in the day to focus on this one man or woman who is your spouse. Besides, you NEED to keep atleast one ally in the house. Before you know it, you'd be celebrating your diamond anniversary with this stranger.

Remove all that extra noise, and you get all those walls and him/her. It's like you are seeing that person (and only that person) closely only now. There is no longer a need to keep an ally too, coz there's no battlefield.

Moreover, it's just the two of you to run this ship. Only the two of you to pamper each other. And just the two of you with the full responsibilty to raise the kids.

What do you do then? You pick up this same person, and fight.

"There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't." - Krips

move on tracy, move on. you have come a long way from going to the khet with lota in the morning and you need to move on now. oh wait you said you already have. then wats with all the obsession and discussion/dissection/comparisons etc? scratch

by SomeProfile Sat Jul 16, 2011 11:25 am

seven wrote:you have come a long way from going to the khet with lota in the morning

WTF is this? What is the connection...? I don't even... Whatever the hell it is, I am totally stealing this line and will use it randomly in any conversation.

by Guest Sat Jul 16, 2011 11:33 am

SomeProfile wrote:
seven wrote:you have come a long way from going to the khet with lota in the morning

WTF is this? What is the connection...? I don't even... Whatever the hell it is, I am totally stealing this line and will use it randomly in any conversation.

hey she used it herself when comparing forumotion to sulekha CH. she said that forum was like going to the...with lota and this is like living in a city or something like this. that is the connection.

by SomeProfile Sat Jul 16, 2011 11:36 am

LOL! Got it. But it's a great line to drop in random conversation... or arguments, especially arguments.

by MaxEntropy_Man Sat Jul 16, 2011 11:54 am

Marathadi-Saamiyaar wrote:
MaxEntropy_Man wrote:even TS and his "behnas" are boring these days.

How was your India trip ?

Where all did you go ?

wasn't in india. no india trip this year. had a short vacation to ME and then NH -- biking and hiking and not quite enough of it.

by Guest Sat Jul 16, 2011 11:54 am

seven, no it's not any obsession if that's what you are thinking.

I am always theorizing something or the other. I read something, some thought process comes to mind, and if I have the time I type it out. If not then, than I type it out on the next trigger.

That's all there is to it. I am not gonna stop writing what comes to my mind just coz you all think people should move on.

Besides, the main crust of my post was discussing joint families and it's effect on marriages. Something we friends discuss a lot. My bff jokes that for four years that they were in India she thought she has a perfect marriage. Then they came here and began arguing over small things. Soon they set up the new pattern and went back to a happy marriage, but laugh how the change affected the dynamics. Same sorta happened with a couple of relatives and other friends....

I added that example in the end coz that's what triggered this thought again.

by MaxEntropy_Man Sat Jul 16, 2011 11:56 am

crust? did you mean thrust?

by Guest Sat Jul 16, 2011 12:01 pm

Dunno why I used the word crust. Guess I was trying to use crust of the matter or crust of the story. But I can't find any reference, so will withdraw the word for now. Will let you know when it comes to the mind.

I wanted to say - the core point.

by Guest Sat Jul 16, 2011 12:04 pm

Tracy Whitney wrote:seven, no it's not any obsession if that's what you are thinking.

I am always theorizing something or the other. I read something, some thought process comes to mind, and if I have the time I type it out. If not then, than I type it out on the next trigger.

That's all there is to it. I am not gonna stop writing what comes to my mind just coz you all think people should move on.

Besides, the main crust of my post was discussing joint families and it's effect on marriages. Something we friends discuss a lot. My bff jokes that for four years that they were in India she thought she has a perfect marriage. Then they came here and began arguing over small things. Soon they set up the new pattern and went back to a happy marriage, but laugh how the change affected the dynamics. Same sorta happened with a couple of relatives and other friends....

I added that example in the end coz that's what triggered this thought again.

okay. oh and moving on was ur idea. i was only repeating wat u claimed earlier in 'we have ruly moved on' thread.
ofcoz u shud write wat comes to mind it just was confusing me a little about weather or not we have truly moved on.

by Guest Sat Jul 16, 2011 12:06 pm

Moving on and commenting as an outsider are two totally different entities... Moving on doesn't mean shutting out. You can still talk about it dispassionately.

Learn to see the difference... Enna would have understood this so much better. Razz

by MaxEntropy_Man Sat Jul 16, 2011 12:06 pm

Tracy Whitney wrote:

I wanted to say - the core point.

then the word you want is crux.

by Guest Sat Jul 16, 2011 12:09 pm

MaxEntropy_Man wrote:
Tracy Whitney wrote:

I wanted to say - the core point.

then the word you want is crux.

LOL... yeah... Embarassed

thanks...

by Guest Sat Jul 16, 2011 12:12 pm

Tracy Whitney wrote:Moving on and commenting as an outsider are two totally different entities... Moving on doesn't mean shutting out. You can still talk about it dispassionately.

Learn to see the difference... Enna would have understood this so much better.

who said i was trying to become enna ? moving on could mean a lot of things but by moving on in ur thread u meant not discussing it anymore. just saying. bounce

by Guest Sat Jul 16, 2011 12:19 pm

No, in that thread, I was giving two signs, 1) HK didn't interfere that thread, and 2) no one posted the summary here.

This post of mine was discussing some other thought that was triggered by what I read there... like you hear some news about people from past, and you go all philosophical and propound a theory.

by Guest Sat Jul 16, 2011 12:24 pm

Tracy Whitney wrote:No, in that thread, I was giving two signs, 1) HK didn't interfere that thread, and 2) no one posted the summary here.

This post of mine was discussing some other thought that was triggered by what I read there... like you hear some news about people from past, and you go all philosophical and propound a theory.

OK now i am bored. you did say since nobody discussed it here we have truly moved on etc etc and now its about triggering thoughts and talking dispassionately about it. fine. do it 8-| ( Neutral

by Guest Sat Jul 16, 2011 12:29 pm

lol.. my mama or dad would say this about you, 'baat paache ki ho ya pachaase ki, beech mein jaroor bolegi'.

Meaning whether the talks are worth Rs. 5 or 50, you have to give your two cents in it.

by Kris Sat Jul 16, 2011 12:30 pm

Tracy Whitney wrote:...don't you think? The couple have a dozen people to interact with. There are chacha, bhatija, what not to help you keep going. There is maa, chachi to pamper you. There is jethani, nanand to fight with. There are so many kids to jointly run after.

And amidst all that chaos, there is that one room or suite which truly belongs to you. After a hard day of battles, that's where you retire. Gives you only so much time in the day to focus on this one man or woman who is your spouse. Besides, you NEED to keep atleast one ally in the house. Before you know it, you'd be celebrating your diamond anniversary with this stranger.

Remove all that extra noise, and you get all those walls and him/her. It's like you are seeing that person (and only that person) closely only now. There is no longer a need to keep an ally too, coz there's no battlefield.

Moreover, it's just the two of you to run this ship. Only the two of you to pamper each other. And just the two of you with the full responsibilty to raise the kids.

What do you do then? You pick up this same person, and fight.

>>>> On balance, I think it is healthier to have a lot of people around you (maybe this is a case of the grass being greener on the other side, I don't know)

by Guest Sat Jul 16, 2011 12:31 pm

Tracy Whitney wrote:lol.. my mama or dad would say this about you, 'baat paache ki ho ya pachaase ki, beech mein jaroor bolegi'.

Meaning whether the talks are worth Rs. 5 or 50, you have to give your two cents in it.

well they'd be wrong. i dont post on all the threads Rolling Eyes

by Guest Sat Jul 16, 2011 1:00 pm

seven wrote:
Tracy Whitney wrote:lol.. my mama or dad would say this about you, 'baat paache ki ho ya pachaase ki, beech mein jaroor bolegi'.

Meaning whether the talks are worth Rs. 5 or 50, you have to give your two cents in it.

well they'd be wrong. i dont post on all the threads

...but, you can definitely contribute zilch after posting 200 words on a thread, Seven Aunty!

by .|Sublime|. Sat Jul 16, 2011 1:17 pm

Tracy Whitney wrote:My bff jokes that for four years that they were in India she thought she has a perfect marriage. Then they came here and began arguing over small things. Soon they set up the new pattern and went back to a happy marriage, but laugh how the change affected the dynamics. Same sorta happened with a couple of relatives and other friends....

just because you do not fight with your spouse does not make it a perfect marriage, if there is such a thing as a perfect marriage.
when there are no kids, no relatives and no distractions, how comfortable are you with your spouse? once kids have flown the nest, it is just the two of you. how do you envision your evenings or retired life? do you see yourself growing old with good company? would you enjoy spending time with each other?
once your friends have had a taste of a nucleur family, they would probably find it hard to get back to living in a joint family. Privacy becomes a big issue and not everyone lives in a TV serial like mansion with a whole floor or room to oneself.

by SomeProfile Sat Jul 16, 2011 1:37 pm

Richard Hed wrote:
seven wrote:
Tracy Whitney wrote:lol.. my mama or dad would say this about you, 'baat paache ki ho ya pachaase ki, beech mein jaroor bolegi'.

Meaning whether the talks are worth Rs. 5 or 50, you have to give your two cents in it.

well they'd be wrong. i dont post on all the threads

...but, you can definitely contribute zilch after posting 200 words on a thread, Seven Aunty!

LOL! If you think aunty is bad while she is trying to be silly / funny, she's worse when she's being serious.

by Guest Sat Jul 16, 2011 1:38 pm

.|Sublime|. wrote:
Tracy Whitney wrote:My bff jokes that for four years that they were in India she thought she has a perfect marriage. Then they came here and began arguing over small things. Soon they set up the new pattern and went back to a happy marriage, but laugh how the change affected the dynamics. Same sorta happened with a couple of relatives and other friends....

just because you do not fight with your spouse does not make it a perfect marriage, if there is such a thing as a perfect marriage.
when there are no kids, no relatives and no distractions, how comfortable are you with your spouse? once kids have flown the nest, it is just the two of you. how do you envision your evenings or retired life? do you see yourself growing old with good company? would you enjoy spending time with each other?
once your friends have had a taste of a nucleur family, they would probably find it hard to get back to living in a joint family. Privacy becomes a big issue and not everyone lives in a TV serial like mansion with a whole floor or room to oneself.

Partly what I meant when I said in the OP, 'and before you know it, you are celebrating your diamond anniversary with a stranger'. And I chose the word 'survive', not 'happy'. Somehow in India, that's sufficient enough.

See that's what happens in a joint family. You don't get to test out your entire compatibility. Dunno if it's a good or a bad thing. It all gets tested when, like you said, 'when there are no kids, no relatives and no distractions, how comfortable are you with your spouse?'. I wonder if they even sit back and evaluate, or get the time to dwell on their 'marriage'. It's a given that it's going along. And maybe the settings are such that, you get a lot of positiveness around you to help get it along too. And even if it is not, there is a lot going on to not make it a focal point.

And if you have never known what privacy is, you don't value it that much.

By perfect marriage, my friend didn't mean they had no fights. But they won't fight over stuff like clean bathroom or clean kitchen or food. There was a lot of help, and most of the organizational stuff was run smoothly.

Totally agree that it's hard to go back to joint family once you have lived by yourself. I do know people who have done that though. Like my ex and his wife lived with the family for a few years, and then lived at 2-3 different cities for 6-7 years, before moving back home with parents (I would take part credit for this.. when I began chatting with him he was so frustrated and bitter, also fighting with each other like crazy...took me about 1 year to convince him to move back home, and when his project finished, that's what he did). But they do have a carefully constructed house. With 4 clear sections for his dad and three other brothers. Most of his frustrations and their fights went down once they were back in the familiar setup and he got his old social life (to the village) back. She is happy too.

by Guest Sun Jul 17, 2011 12:25 am

Tracy Whitney wrote:...don't you think? The couple have a dozen people to interact with. There are chacha, bhatija, what not to help you keep going. There is maa, chachi to pamper you. There is jethani, nanand to fight with. There are so many kids to jointly run after.

And amidst all that chaos, there is that one room or suite which truly belongs to you. After a hard day of battles, that's where you retire. Gives you only so much time in the day to focus on this one man or woman who is your spouse. Besides, you NEED to keep atleast one ally in the house. Before you know it, you'd be celebrating your diamond anniversary with this stranger.

Remove all that extra noise, and you get all those walls and him/her. It's like you are seeing that person (and only that person) closely only now. There is no longer a need to keep an ally too, coz there's no battlefield.

Moreover, it's just the two of you to run this ship. Only the two of you to pamper each other. And just the two of you with the full responsibilty to raise the kids.

What do you do then? You pick up this same person, and fight.

nice analysis. i have lived in both, joint and nuclear families. if i had a choice, i'd rather live in a joint setup.

by Marathadi-Saamiyaar Sun Jul 17, 2011 12:36 am

If the finance and responsibilities are reasonably agreed between the various parties, joint family is a great thing.

Both have advantages at various ages of a person.

by Guest Sun Jul 17, 2011 12:55 am

yes, finance and responsibilities need to be peacefully divided. also, a patriarch is required (eldest brother or father) who is feared and obeyed. the best thing about the joint setup is the support system. the weakest members benefit the most from the joint system while the strongest suffer (or maybe they don't). but, still, it is a romantic or a utopian way to live. also, in a joint family, all the members need not be residing under a single roof (this is applicable only wrt business families i guess where the business is under a common roof). this system captures the best of both worlds i feel.

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Some marriages survive better in joint family settings

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Re: Some marriages survive better in joint family settings

Re: Some marriages survive better in joint family settings

Re: Some marriages survive better in joint family settings

Re: Some marriages survive better in joint family settings

Re: Some marriages survive better in joint family settings

Re: Some marriages survive better in joint family settings

Re: Some marriages survive better in joint family settings

Re: Some marriages survive better in joint family settings

Re: Some marriages survive better in joint family settings

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Re: Some marriages survive better in joint family settings

Re: Some marriages survive better in joint family settings

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Re: Some marriages survive better in joint family settings

Re: Some marriages survive better in joint family settings

Re: Some marriages survive better in joint family settings

Re: Some marriages survive better in joint family settings

Re: Some marriages survive better in joint family settings