It's 2050 and Bharat has finally achieved peace and prosperity. The wide tree-lined roads are pothole-free; garbage doesn't lie in mounds at street corners because everything is quickly recycled - crushed cars become Ron Arad-inspired art installations; plastic bags become handkerchiefs, buckets, airplanes; sewage is converted into fertiliser used on fully-mechanised farms that yield oranges the size of footballs, apples as big as those square easy-to-stack Japanese melons and rice grain so large and numerous, hunger has been banished. The people are gracious and should Babar get onto Marty McFly's chariot, he would immediately revise his opinion of the landscape and the natives.

For the native of Hindustan, especially the male of the species is now so evolved, he discusses politics, religion and cricket sedately, having eschewed ranting, raving, rioting and raping. He treats all women, not just mummyji, with great respect, never more holds serious discussions with random mammaries, watches porn strictly for its educational aspects, and uncomplainingly does household chores. He is now so respectable, he is deathly boring. Consequently, the women of Bharat can slip into itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikinis and wander unmolested down city streets in the dead of night. But they do so only after pulling a bed sheet over themselves because, having imbibed the pristine culchaar of the land, they are obedient and coy. If there is a paradise on earth/ It is this, it is this, it is this.

This sudden and glorious transformation can be dated very precisely to circa 2020 when all the states of Bharat outlawed the consumption of beef. At the time, this was a contentious issue. Demented secularists, many of whom themselves observed food taboos of their own group and for good measure also adopted the historical 'other's' aversion to porcine products, were quick to protest. The Adarsh Liberals (Thank you, Twitter) were agitated that the rights of fellow Indians were being trampled upon. Thankfully, other groups who regularly munched on bovines saw the folly of their ways and began shifting to veggie-and-paneer diets. Consequently, their sharp canines have now been blunted and the men no longer seek to wage love jihad. At last, Vedic Utopia arrivato as they say in uh, Italian.