Attachment in Detachment
Written by Sudha Murti wife of Narayan Murti

When my daughter, the older of my two, wed and left home, I felt a part of me gone.

With a daughter and a son, I know what both mean, differently.

When she was in her teens I felt as if she was my "physical extension" !

So when she left home to set up her own, I felt I lost a limb.

Next time she came to stay with us, I was astonished how her priorities had changed.

We too must've given the same shocks to our own parents !

When she said Amma,
she meant her mother-in-law, not me!

I felt she was always in a hurry to go back to her house and not stay with me for a few more days.

 That was the first time, it dawned on me that I have to start practising detachment with attachment.

Two years after my daughter’s marriage, my son left for higher studies to US.

Having experienced a child's separation once, I was better equipped emotionally.

I plunged head long into various classes held in the city starting from vedanta to healing to ikebana -
 I just wanted to be away from home..since my husband was a 24/7 workaholic.

My son used to write how he was missing my home cooked food, how he was waiting to come back to live in Chennai with us ...

After a few years, he did come back and we got him married.

He started living separately with his wife and we were also happy that they wanted to be independant from the beginning...

But now, it was all changed !

When in the U S, he missed my cooking, now if I called him to come over with his wife for a meal, it was always some excuse like "oh, amma, we have other plans for the day, please don't mistake us if we don't drop in today" !

I could see that his priorities had also changed completely..

We talk so many things and give so much advice to others, but when it comes to our own children, acceptance comes very late. Our next step is to just leave them undisturbed
in every way.

It was at that time, that I made the following, my 'new profile'.

In all my relationships , rather interactions, I give my best and do my best to live up to what I say.

My attachment with them is complete.

However, I remain detached in the sense that I do not expect them to reciprocate my affection.

Most importantly, I make a conscious effort , not to interfere or pass judgements on the lives they choose to lead.

My concern for my near and dear ones will not fade with my detachment.

If you let go of the ones you love, they will never go away –
this is the beauty of attachment with detachment !

I have learnt to love and let go.

This dictum has developed tolerance in me.

When I let the people live the way they want to, I learn to accept them for what they are.

Most importantly ,
I learn to tolerate the world around me and this tolerance brings in me a sense of peace and contentment.

Since both my children live in Chennai, I follow this very strictly, you know why !

Now I have realised that we start growing mentally much more only after the children leave the house and we have to tackle the emotional vacuum, that arises, along with age-related problems .

I specially dedicate this post to my  friends, who are  totally  dependant  on their  children's lives, to nurture their  own  selves  emotionally.

Please develop your  own  intersts, hobbies  etc, however mundane they  seem to be..

t w wrote:Attachment in Detachment
Written by Sudha Murti wife of Narayan Murti

When my daughter, the older of my two, wed and left home, I felt a part of me gone.

With a daughter and a son, I know what both mean, differently.

When she was in her teens I felt as if she was my "physical extension" !

So when she left home to set up her own, I felt I lost a limb.

Next time she came to stay with us, I was astonished how her priorities had changed.

We too must've given the same shocks to our own parents !

When she said Amma,
she meant her mother-in-law, not me!

I felt she was always in a hurry to go back to her house and not stay with me for a few more days.

 That was the first time, it dawned on me that I have to start practising detachment with attachment.

Two years after my daughter’s marriage, my son left for higher studies to US.

Having experienced a child's separation once, I was better equipped emotionally.

I plunged head long into various classes held in the city starting from vedanta to healing to ikebana -
 I just wanted to be away from home..since my husband was a 24/7 workaholic.

My son used to write how he was missing my home cooked food, how he was waiting to come back to live in Chennai with us ...

After a few years, he did come back and we got him married.

He started living separately with his wife and we were also happy that they wanted to be independant from the beginning...

But now, it was all changed !

When in the U S, he missed my cooking, now if I called him to come over with his wife for a meal, it was always some excuse like "oh, amma, we have other plans for the day, please don't mistake us if we don't drop in today" !

I could see that his priorities had also changed completely..

We talk so many things and give so much advice to others, but when it comes to our own children, acceptance comes very late. Our next step is to just leave them undisturbed
in every way.

It was at that time, that I made the following, my 'new profile'.

In all my relationships , rather interactions, I give my best and do my best to live up to what I say.

My attachment with them is complete.

However, I remain detached in the sense that I do not expect them to reciprocate my affection.

Most importantly, I make a conscious effort , not to interfere or pass judgements on the lives they choose to lead.

My concern for my near and dear ones will not fade with my detachment.

If you let go of the ones you love, they will never go away –
this is the beauty of attachment with detachment !

I have learnt to love and let go.

This dictum has developed tolerance in me.

When I let the people live the way they want to, I learn to accept them for what they are.

Most importantly ,
I learn to tolerate the world around me and this tolerance brings in me a sense of peace and contentment.

Since both my children live in Chennai, I follow this very strictly, you know why !

Now I have realised that we start growing mentally much more only after the children leave the house and we have to tackle the emotional vacuum, that arises, along with age-related problems .

I specially dedicate this post to my  friends, who are  totally  dependant  on their  children's lives, to nurture their  own  selves  emotionally.

Please develop your  own  intersts, hobbies  etc, however mundane they  seem to be..

aside:I wonder how TS and his wife would relate to this

indeed, its true that one should never attach themselves to anything that is perishable...that's the key.
but then if you can compartmentalize and mourn for the loss that wouldn't affect other functions, then it is really worthwhile getting entangled..there is a kind of 'high' while one grieves with tears, lot of relief, and peace at the end of it - like most, this may require conditioning early on

I think she also crossed that bridge when she came to it. everyone goes through it at varying degrees. But yeah, better to be mentally prepared.

currently, am on two completely different levels of attach/detach with my two kids. distance matters, but so does personalities. Sometimes they live away but send you 50 texts a day. sometimes, they could be in the next room, and you hear only important highlights. Both kinds of communication work for me. I have learned to extract the most out of every conversation. my sis calls my mom every other day, and then fills me in. i call like once in 2 weeks, usually mom calls me weekly. But then she knows i avoid hearing bad news (super sensitive about rents and bro), generally can't handle it, get very depressed for days, always been a cry baby. So she keeps me only for cutie cuddly talks. If there is any problem happening there, sis tells them that i was very upset when i heard about it. and they fix it before i get there, lol. Sis, god bless her, is a much better daughter and sister than I am. Doesn't mind getting involved fully and deeply. Can't have it any other way. So we kinda balance each other out.

This pretty much amounts to reinventing oneself and getting used to a new routine/lifestyle. Of course, easier said than done. Having said that it might be a bit easier for our generation than our parents but again it may not be true for those of us living in this country. Luckily, many of my close friends live close by so it might make it easier but the key is to realize that you don't own them and learn to respect their decisions. The sooner you adopt this philosophy the better off you will be.