Since time unknown, there have been talks about afterlife. Is there one? What happens? Do the deceased come back to visit you? Are they always around? Can they somehow get their presence felt? I have never decided for one side or the other. I continue to read every such story, but i continue to be skeptical about it. Almost always I manage to form an alternative theory. I also believe in the mysterious powers of the brain, and how it can trick you. So that's what been my stand, and this middle path is what I still continue to tread on.

tbc...

many times before, whenever there was any death in the family, a few days after that, I would get this brief sensation, as if their spirit has made a visit, and is passing by. I had always wondered this about afterlife. When you die, do you know all past present future of people, or do you still see what you see, and make conjectures based on the knowledge you gained during your life. I had felt it the strongest when XH's grandma passed away, coz i was somewhat close to her. When she passed away, XH and I were separated, but he used to come home every other weekend. I used to try to be out as much as possible, but that weekend i was sick. I remember I was on my laptop in the family room, kids were doing their own stuff there, and xh was cooking dinner. Suddenly I felt a very strong presence of her, and i had sort of an out of body experience of ourselves, like I saw a somewhat aerial view of our kitchen and family room, and all of us doing our own thing. I remember thinking, 'thank god she chose this moment to pass this side. She will go back believing ours is a peaceful existence'. I had similar moments for my aunts and uncles, but it wasn't as pronounced as this one. But like i mentioned, i always brushed off these sensations as my mind playing tricks on me, and that i make myself believe this as a part of my grieving process.

tbc...

my dad fell sick in end of September last year. and we promptly went. He passed away early October. Someone made a picture of him in a frame that used to be kept in the main hall. I had initially not liked that frame, coz its ratio was a bit odd. But sitting there next 13 days, i grew attached to that picture. While pundits used to chant stuff, i used to 'exchange' a giggle with him. I knew he was annoyed by all that. When it was time for me to leave, i needed that same picture. Overnight my sil got another one made with my preference of frame, but the ratio was still odd. I didn't care anymore. I wanted that same pic. When I came back, xh wanted to place it somewhere appropriate. We had a lot of discussion about it, where first i childishly behaved like we were placing a real person and not a picture. After some time, even xh began believing that it's actually dad who would be watching us all the time, and was hesitating to put him right where he himself would be drinking beer (dad was a teetotaler). But I wanted that spot coz i could see him all the time like i did back home. when visitors asked why i haven't put a maala/garland on it, i used to reply dad hated garlands. For his entire life, he never let anyone put a maala around his neck, ever. So i am not going to do that. They would look at me weirdly, but wouldn't say anything.

tbc...

up until middle of November, i felt a very strong presence of dad around me. I used to talk to him in the car, imagining he's sitting there. I used to talk to his picture and I used to see the expressions on his picture change. the picture part is what son also noticed. on a normal day, only he and i used to be home, and both would be sitting on the same couch staring at the same picture. One day he went, 'why do i think nana's expression changes every time we are talking? Like if we are happy, i see him laughing, and if we are sad, i see him upset?' I was like omg i see that too. After a lot of discussion we concluded that it's not his picture, but it's us. We concluded that we probably look at different parts of his face based on our own mood. So say, if we are happy, we look at his smile, and if we are sad we look at his eyes, that had a very direct expression, which we took for happy or sad based on our own mood.

tbc...

my alternative theory was of course that I am grieving and probably am depressed. And one day in November i stopped feeling his presence. One theory of mine said maybe he's too disappointed in me (details to follow). One theory said that my mind is slowly healing, so i don't stick to the idea of him being around forever. Then one day i called home and bro said they did another pooja recently, that's supposed to be done and 1.25 or 1.5 (forgetting) months after death. He said that pooja is done coz the soul lingers around that long, and this is done to let him finally depart peacefully. This stressed me out all over again. Was it true? Did he really linger and did he really leave? My alternate theory was that maybe this milestone was made in our religion coz it must have been a normal grieving period when people began getting out of that most depressive state.

tbc...

going back to end of October, i began going out a bit. I decided to go out for an event. While I was driving there, I was again talking to him, imagining he's sitting next to me. I was explaining to him a bit about my life here. Over the years, and for that matter since high school, my family has known very filtered stuff about me. I could go through biggest events and not tell a single soul, atleast no one in my family. But now, in the premise that he is there in an afterlife, he either knew all about me already, or he was seeing it as it unfolded. So i thought I should sorta give him an explanation, or my pov about my life that I keep hidden from others. Yeah, you can think I was crazy. I think so too. But I think i was still a very functional crazy.

However that event turned out to be a nightmare. I was badly mistreated and humiliated, and if I didn't get out of there, i could have been injured too. All the drive back I was bawling. And I was again explaining to him that this is not my normal. that I lead a much better life. This is something very abnormal, a once in a lifetime event, and it's just a bad coincidence that he was there to watch it. I had recomposed by the time i entered my house. But all that night, that picture was staring at me, very upset. As if there was a big dark cloud over it. Big eyes disgusted and questioning my choices. Telling me to change my life, take charge. And once I was alone in the family room, I again tried to pacify the picture. Telling him that this was an unfortunate solitary event. This was just a part of my evening. Overall, I was completely disgusted with myself. So i guess, in my alternate theory, i was just in ptsd that was made worse by other events, and i was channeling my own self disgust through that picture.

tbc...

Next day i confronted the person, and they apologized profusely. within a week, it was early November now, I found out something highly disturbing about XH, and it was pure accident that I caught him, i wasn't even snooping on him, I was snooping on XB. It really felt like the ground under me was giving way. we had an argument. But we sorta talked out a settlement. Still, I was very disturbed that Friday, the imaginary presence of my dad didn't prompt or remind me again this time. I think he didn't need to. I was already very down that day. My whole life of last few years went out poof. i went to another event this time, and this time they more than made up for the previous week's behavior. I didn't go back home that night and stayed in a motel. I woke up very peaceful and happy, and had toast and coffee, which was so satisfying. By this time i had sorted myself out, and knew what all has to be done practically. So i walked into a dealership and got myself a car (I think i have posted this many times). I had done no research on the numbers, and I had no idea about the cost of it. I simply walked in and managed to get a decent deal. I wasn't even saying much, and the dealer kept on dropping his price. Whenever I could, I was smiling at dad, or the imaginary presence of him. While driving home, i was telling dad, 'see, it's not so bad. This is what i wanted you to see. Me being happy and independent. You don't need to worry about me. I am fine. I will be fine'. I felt the clouds relenting. He didn't seem happy, but he accepted it, just like he had accepted all my decisions all my life. I came home, and made more peace with XH. He later dropped son and me at the dealership, and we happily drove back with the new car.

tbc...

like i said before, by mid November i stopped feeling his intense presence. I slowed down, then stopped talking to him. I still had constant thoughts and dreams about him. I would still cry. I was still missing him. But I was no longer addressing him. His picture became a mere symbol of him. I still look at it, but it's more for my own validation. It no longer has that same feeling like it did those 5-6 weeks.

All this while, my sister was going through her own grieving. her grieving and mine were different. While I sobbed silently during his last moments in the hospital, or when talking to the doctor, or infront of her fil while he was trying to feed us breakfast right after my dad passed away, and a little more helplessly when I saw people putting a dozen maalas on my dad knowing this time he can't do anything to stop them; she maintained a stoic silence, atleast in public. I was stubborn about accompanying my sick bro for dad's rites with the ashes, and pushed myself in everything. at the time i was also helping bff with her own hardship of taking care of her mom who was very sick. and i was badly shaken when another friend of mine met a huge tragedy. After coming back, for weeks our kids compared notes. to my kids i looked pretty normal compared to my sis, who was far more miserable after coming back home. (they of course didn't know the freaky side of me talking audibly to my dad)

We all went back home in December and went to a pre planned vacation even more determined than before. Ultimately, we came back much better.

While both sis and I continued to have dreams of my father, she never seemed to feel his presence like i did back then. I just chalked it up to me being more weak mentally than her, always have been. And most of our dreams were normal, in which we just saw him there, all alive, doing all things normal, then we would wake up to realize he's not there. Only one time I had a little deep dream of him, but that too I chalked to one incidence that had happened in the hospital.

Cut to yesterday, we were all in a much better shape, atleast relatively.

tbc...

a lot of people in my family has this unique talent. Whenever they are telling a story, and quoting other people, they knowingly or unknowingly talk like them. Same tone, same accent, and whenever possible, same voice, not to mention almost verbatim. my brother takes it to standup comedy level. My sister and a few cousins do it so naturally that now we just listen to the story and forget to marvel or laugh at that talent. There are many times that i am meeting a group of people who i have never met before, but the moment they begin talking I instantly know who they might be. I don't possess that talent. I too think that I am talking like the other person, but all my imitations sound the same.

Y'day i was on FaceTime with sis, and she began telling me how she was exhausted and slept, and in the dream she had dad visiting. She 'knew' it's not a normal dream, but dad is actually visiting, so she held to him and began asking him a dozen questions. Asking him how afterlife is, and does it have all that connections that people talk about. To which dad replied in his typical 'meh' reaction, meaning it's only so-so. then she asked him question after question, on what he thinks about her, and kids, and this and that. She asked him about all of us one by one. I was listening to it, and in my alternate theory, assumed that this is her way of coping. Happening in a much more delayed timeline than mine, but is happening finally. She said that by the time she woke up, she forgot most of his answers, but she remembered this one.

He told her, 'tell Tracy that i did go with her then ...'. I am translating here, he had said in Hindi, 'Tracy ko batana ki main tab gaya tha uske saath...', with the stress on the work 'gaya', and she nodded just like he used to nod when he was affirmative about something. to me it translated to 'did go' and not a casual 'went' in English, as in a confirmation. I felt a cold chill. But then she completed the sentence, '... to the bank. Tell her not to worry. everything will be alright in x amount of time'. that threw me off. 'to the bank'? I tried thinking out loud. I have never been to a bank in last 8 months. The only time i went was back home, when bro took me to cancel dad and my joint account. But sis said, no he was implying he went alone with you in Jersey.

I began tearing up by now. At this sis was confused. I had to tell her something. I said this could be when i went to buy my car, i felt his presence back then. She seemed ok with that explanation.

Later, i could not stop crying about it. could it be my sister's brainwave, or was it for real? It was way too specific. If she was putting together a dream on her own, the 'message' could have been more generic or related to xh or kids, things that she know about, and not based on something that actually happened and no one knew. No one knew i talked to dad, i told first time to daughter y'day. No one knew i feel his presence any more than the expressions on the picture. But then again, the word bank. I have been vocal about my spendings this year. so in my alternate theory, maybe to sis that translated to bank, and she somehow mixed dad in it?

But then again, that 1% chance. did he come to her for real? Was he really here with me back then? So I wasn't exactly crazy? Did he realize how i am still upset about it, and sent me his assurances through her? Why didn't he come straight to me? Coz he knew i shrug off everything as mental? did he say bank coz he wanted to keep it a coded message? or did he confuse the banker at the dealership as a bank? Or maybe I am STILL crazy? Overthinking about a message when it wasn't even fully accurate.

Whatever it is. I woke up feeling much lighter today. Most of my guilt of last November is gone. For the first time I am not thinking that dad judged me for my choices. Instead, ever optimistic that he was, he is assuring me that it will be alright.

This starts a new me, today.

interesting..thanks marked for leisure reading

If you like coming up with alternate explanations for claims of the supernatural, I recommend this book: https://smile.amazon.com/Demon-Haunted-World-Science-Candle-Dark/dp/0345409469