desi aunty wrote:

Love did a full one-eighty when 

she saw him in herself

and herself in someone else...

it all made sense then

hm..a bit esoteric....can you exemplify & dumb it down for me please.. particularly the 3rd & 4th line

(so many examples popped up after posting this)

hmm how to exemplify (tried not turning this into many paragraphs lol)... 

guess in many relationships, it's rarely an equal dynamics. One will do more for the other, one will love the other more, one will cling more, one will plan more, or work more to keep them together. while the other may still like the person but may not want to commit; do less for them; love lesser in comparison; may not like the clinging; may need some space; or just treat it as a convenient timepass. Eventually disconnect happens, and they either compromise or break apart. 

And, if you have had more than one relationship, sometimes you are the giver, sometimes you are the taker. Sometimes, while you are in a relationship, you don't see the disparity. You know what the other person is doing or saying, but you may not necessarily know exactly what they are feeling. Sometimes you get this clarity if you get into another relationship with roles sorta reversed.

For example, you were either the one who was giving a lot in a relationship, and not getting much in return... or the other person was giving a lot, but you were incapable of reciprocating. Cut to a newer relationship and you feel differently about this new person. And if the roles have reversed for you, you kind of develop an empathy towards the old partner. 

i went from being a taker to being a giver in my earlier relationships - that's when i felt that pain. and vice versa in one of my later ones - that's when i stopped thinking of the other as cold and got a closure. i guess i can say i have circled the full spectrum lol.

to give a non romantic example... when you are young, and you have to deal with older people, you may deal with them with kindness and respect, but once in a while get impatient. Cut to many years later, now you are old, and dealing with young, who deal with you with respect and kindness, but you can sense them getting impatient with you every once in a while. Only now can you see the point of view of that old person from the past, when you see them in you, and [the past] you in these younger people. 

sometimes, the changes can happen within a single association. for years my ex's father and i had an undercurrent of mutual animosity, but as i grow older with older kids, i see his perspective more and more, and probably he developed empathy for me too; or maybe it's just that life beat both of us pretty good when earlier we both had some degree of self-righteousness; so now we stand humbled, and have developed a tolerant and supportive attitude towards each other. With time and maybe after having seen life more, i have developed much more forgiveness for my ex too (and hopefully vice versa). Will it lead us back together as a couple, no it won't, that ship sailed, but are we in some sort of harmony now, we sure are.

[size=13]Will it lead us back together as a couple, no it won't, that ship sailed, but are we in some sort of harmony now, we sure are
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I am all interested in the above lines and I could write more but …  You both just need a vacation together and all issues will be resolved  
Hope the new year brings best for you and your family! It is never too late to fix things which are fixable. Life is too short ..... 
[/size]

FluteHolder wrote:[size=13]Will it lead us back together as a couple, no it won't, that ship sailed, but are we in some sort of harmony now, we sure are
-------->
I am all interested in the above lines and I could write more but …  You both just need a vacation together and all issues will be resolved  
Hope the new year brings best for you and your family! It is never too late to fix things which are fixable. Life is too short ..... 
[/size]

i know you are but what will it achieve... we are co-parenting our kids peacefully, and that's all that matters in our current phase of life. When i say we are in harmony, i don't mean 'normal'. All it means is that we are peaceful with each other and look the other way in many things. Marriage, or anything physical, brings in a different set of emotions and expectations, and that has never worked for us. One becomes more demanding, or more sensitive to any sort of correction/criticism that they would not otherwise. Time and tested. Peace + Respect >> marriage + expectations.

I think, and i know you are not my therapist lol... but i think, i am ok with many things about us, as long as in my mind i know i am not tied to him. Yeah, half of our world still thinks we are together, but as long as i am free in my truth, i don't go crazy about it. But if things were very broken inside, and then we were facing the world as a real couple, i would have become a very miserable person. I remember 2006-2009, one of my repeated cries would be, 'i can't live this sham any more'. I can totally be a fake couple with him now, as neither of us has any hold over the other's mind any more. Not sure if it makes sense?

Having said that, who knows what the future holds. Thanks for new years' wishes, and wishing you and your family also a happy new year!

All I can say is follow/listen to the Nike Ad. Buying shoes is optional  
Regarding future, what you could/can do you should do it. On what you have no control, you just take what best you could do out of it.

desi aunty wrote:

FluteHolder wrote:[size=13]Will it lead us back together as a couple, no it won't, that ship sailed, but are we in some sort of harmony now, we sure are
-------->
I am all interested in the above lines and I could write more but …  You both just need a vacation together and all issues will be resolved  
Hope the new year brings best for you and your family! It is never too late to fix things which are fixable. Life is too short ..... 
[/size]

i know you are but what will it achieve... we are co-parenting our kids peacefully, and that's all that matters in our current phase of life. When i say we are in harmony, i don't mean 'normal'. All it means is that we are peaceful with each other and look the other way in many things. Marriage, or anything physical, brings in a different set of emotions and expectations, and that has never worked for us. One becomes more demanding, or more sensitive to any sort of correction/criticism that they would not otherwise. Time and tested. Peace + Respect >> marriage + expectations.

I think, and i know you are not my therapist lol... but i think, i am ok with many things about us, as long as in my mind i know i am not tied to him. Yeah, half of our world still thinks we are together, but as long as i am free in my truth, i don't go crazy about it. But if things were very broken inside, and then we were facing the world as a real couple, i would have become a very miserable person. I remember 2006-2009, one of my repeated cries would be, 'i can't live this sham any more'. I can totally be a fake couple with him now, as neither of us has any hold over the other's mind any more. Not sure if it makes sense?

Having said that, who knows what the future holds. Thanks for new years' wishes, and wishing you and your family also a happy new year!

The living together and a special relationship between you and your ex-husband after divorce reminds of the "couple" (Norma and Max) in the movie The Sunset Blvd.

so i am a delusional forgotten star, and my ex-husband is now my butler who sends me fake fan mails to keep me happy? man, i can only dream someone loved me unconditionally like that, so hollywoody….

desi aunty wrote:so i am a delusional forgotten star, and my ex-husband is now my butler who sends me fake fan mails to keep me happy? man, i can only dream someone loved me unconditionally like that, so hollywoody….

After going through your response to FH about you and your ex while still together after separation / divorce several years ago, I was trying to understand / imagine it and suddenly remembered the Sunset Blvd. movie situation.
Perhaps, it's time for you two to sit down and watch that movie together. Who knows he might in future take to sending you flowers and writing you the fanmail, like Max to Norma.

May be they both should watch this video/news and watch that movie?

https://indianexpress.com/article/trending/viral-videos-trending/video-man-serenades-to-wife-who-had-filed-a-case-against-him-at-jhansi-police-station-and-gets-a-surprising-response-4940119/

Haha. We were in the phase of - she’s upset let me give her flowers - till maybe 2008. Then shyt got real. 

Cute about the movie. It’s a fun thing when couples are in sync wrt movies. We weren’t and aren’t, and I think we both think of the other as somewhat of a freak lol. I wrote a big piece about it just now but deleted it coz it made me a bit bitter and that’s not the spirit right now lol. 

Having said that am thinking it would be a fun experiment if I told him - let’s watch this movie that my ‘friends’ asked me to watch as it seems to be a parallel of our lives, and then see Norma keep Joe home as a gigolo and Max serving them.