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Come, Fill me

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MaxEntropy_Man
mysecondlife
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Post by mysecondlife Mon Sep 17, 2012 2:28 am

She was taking sunbath,
wearing just a few numbers carelessly
on her mostly exposed body
when I approached her after breakfast.
I scanned her,
head to foot and tried to wake her up.
I found a five that shook her a little.
I touched her left breast nervously and
squeezed a number on her right.
She smiled at this and
I moved my hand all over the
top portion of her body.
While I was kissing her breasts,
she raised her legs slightly.
I came down and caressed her legs,
her smooth white thighs with some numbers written on them.
I kissed some number on her left thigh.
She tried to get up, fully of energy.
She pulled my head upwards and
made me kiss left and right,
numbers rolling in.
Then she pushed me down
to pick some more numbers.
Finally,
I filled in the last number and
kissed her goodbye.
She was angry
because of an additional 3 on her right thigh.
When I woke up,
she was sleeping turning her back to me,
with lot of space to fill in.
Come, Fill me!


Last edited by mysecondlife on Mon Sep 17, 2012 2:31 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Formating)

mysecondlife

Posts : 5
Join date : 2012-09-17

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Post by MaxEntropy_Man Mon Sep 17, 2012 7:10 am

did you want this critiqued or is it just for fun?

i'm going to assume you want it to be critiqued. if not let me know. writing poetry i don't think is merely about writing a story or an incident (in prose) and folding the lines to an appropriate length to give it the appearance of verse.
MaxEntropy_Man
MaxEntropy_Man

Posts : 14702
Join date : 2011-04-28

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Post by Maria S Mon Sep 17, 2012 7:45 am

Ah! So this started with something like what Prince William may have said to Princess Kate, sunbathing..and ended with something like Rihanna singing "put your name, number..something on this Very Happy!

Seriously..Nice-vivid!

Your lines conveyed what they was meant to..the dynamics of intimacy..the invitation and games..when it's from the heart..any format works in contemporary style!
Maria S
Maria S

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Join date : 2011-12-31

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Post by Impedimenta Mon Sep 17, 2012 4:13 pm

come, the who and the what numbers?

Impedimenta

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Post by Jeremiah Mburuburu Mon Sep 17, 2012 4:20 pm

mysecondlife wrote:She was taking sunbath,...
please, 2ndLife-ji, consider amending that to "she was taking a sunbath" or - since one doesn't usually take a sunbath - "she was sunbathing."

you need a 3rd life, which i think you should live in your native land, northindia, where one never needs an "a" or a "the."

Jeremiah Mburuburu

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Post by Hellsangel Mon Sep 17, 2012 4:24 pm

Jeremiah Mburuburu wrote:
i think you should live in your native land, northindia, where one never needs an "a" or a "the."

Funny, the ex virile-1 seems to have forgotten all about the East Europeans.
Hellsangel
Hellsangel

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