2019

there's still a good 6 weeks to go, but seriously, i would say 'twas [and possibly will continue to be] one of the strangest years of my life... out of control kinda strange; can't seem to get a handle on it kinda strange; wtf is going on kinda strange; will this ever end kinda strange; will we ever make it kinda strange; should i leave or should i stay kinda strange; never done this before kinda strange; i am too old for this kinda strange; i am still young kinda strange; new me at 45 kinda strange; midlife crisis at 46 kinda strange; i give 2 fucks kinda strange; am i actually dying kinda strange; why am i so abnormal kinda strange; i am so stressed but i am happy too kinda strange; where did you come from where did you go kinda strange; ulta chor kotwal ko daante kinda strange; hum aapke hai kaun kinda strange; 

and i can go on... wonder if i will ever be able to pen down the passings of this year. 

Your daughter is junior now? will be on her own in a year and one less thing to worry about, right? see.. 2019 doesn't look so strange

confuzzled dude wrote:Your daughter is junior now? will be on her own in a year and one less thing to worry about, right? see.. 2019 doesn't look so strange

she'll walk soon, but is gonna be applying into more schools for her 'calling' in life  . was kinda looking forward to doing some serious home renovations before it's time for younger's tuitions, but guess can wait another year. On the plus side, and now i sound like the geico ad, i refinanced this year, and will be cutting almost 900 dollars in my monthly payments. a HUGE deal for me, so ya, thanks to XH to keep pushing me to do it. 

to your original point, no siree, my kids kinda inherited my luck. So together we face the strangeness of life lol. while i may still have much of my hair by the time both of them are on 'their own', i don't think a single one will remain dark. oh well.

in recap like mood today...

guess if horoscopes were a reality, some astrologer would look at mine and say December '18 was a turning time for me... so in a way Dec of last year set the stage for my 2019; the seeds of which began getting planted even earlier, hmm maybe soon after my birthday. So ok, correction, my life began to change after i turned 45 last year.

after spending a major part of the year in loneliness, i sorta spoke about it in my 2018 post, in December, i began forming newer associations. After almost a year, i felt wanted and loved. A lot of extended family came over, so all in all it was a satisfying month personally.

i guess i can safely dedicate 2019 to work. days after days with meetings after meetings, tasks after tasks, never-ending. Peak stress. Atleast once a week, if i timed it right, i would call my bff and whine while driving home from work lol. actually i whined to anyone who dared ask. but i will take the positives of it, as it keeps me sorta relevant in the market.

on a personal front, i would say it was a sweet year for me, yeah that's the only word i could think of. the perfect carefree afternoons with sun and smile on your face, body feeling every sense of it, when your soul fills with lightheartedness. i had forgotten what normal is, how normal people are, so it was a giddy revelation, and i thank all the gods up there to bring them to me. Sometimes, on a rough day, just to have someone care enough to come over for a quick coffee and chat, can never stop being thankful about that.

apart from sweet interludes, was again rough for me healthwise. I think almost every part of my body got scanned this past year. head, breasts, stomach, pelvis, uterus. tubes inside me to look and test things. early part of the year i routinely suffered from stomach pains and erosions, finally internal bleeding that made me seek medical help. so began treatment of that, and am still on edge many days.

Second part of the year i began being dizzy, having vertigo. It started slow but progressed to the point when even the sounds of winds would make me go into a spin. if someone spoke suddenly i would get a full body startle. turns out, in the past doctors would not take this seriously and either blamed the women for being lazy (pretending to be dizzy to avoid work and be in bed all day), or called them psychotic and put them in asylums. turns out it's all a type of migraine caused by whacky hormones and happens to women my age with a history of migraines. All in all, guess women have had a rough deal medically, i am so glad there are treatments available now, and doctors willing to listen. Imagine, to be suffering, but still having to prove it's a real problem and not drama. I get sorta disturbed at the thought of me being in an asylum now just coz i would buckle down holding my ears on a windy day and yelp, sometimes even cry. A treatable problem at that. I would somehow make it through the day, and hit the bed by 8-9 pm. Cried myself to sleep many nights coz even laying down didn't help, the whole room would be spinning for me. so many nights i would do a mobile ekg to make sure it's not a heart attack. Or drink Gatorade all day coz it sometimes coincided with an abnormal drop in BP. Got standing instructions to keep my bp close to 110 all day, i would argue 90-95 was normal lol. Docs in my own family believed me mostly coz i was still trying to slog through it and was very technical in explaining. By the time i got to see a neurologist, i had stopped driving and was making xh drive me to appointments. meanwhile, an internist wrote me anti-vertigo pills, so that made it a bit better, but i was still a mess. The day when i finally saw the doc, it was probably my worst day on record. In doctor's waiting room, i was resting my head on the wall and staring at the ceiling, xh sitting patiently beside me. anything else made my head spin. was also disturbed by the fact that no one there seemed to react as if i am being abnormal, made me worry even more - that feeling that you are a patient, not a self-respecting woman in control of herself. I went in prepared that the neurologist will also dismiss me as 'oh you are just stressed', but he not only heard me out, and he not only believed me, but he gave me the diagnosis, and a treatment that broke me out of that dreadful spell. He could recognize my condition just by watching my demeanor, and if i wasn't getting dizzy by just nodding to him, i would have jumped with joy when he told me that. It's a condition i still have on and off, but i have learned to manage it without the need of a preventative treatment as of now.

Again putting it into perspective, for nearly 2 months, when any one asked, i would be having either a bad or an ok day. On a day in which i felt normal (which was only after the treatment), i would be overjoyed, with a chirpy shrill voice when talking to people. (I can see why they called women like me psychotic lol). But imagine this... you know where your eyes are, but it feels like 'you' have shifted about 2-3 mm behind it, and looking at the world from there. all distorted vision. it's crazy. Now a days, i can sense when it's coming and take precautions accordingly.  

It's funny how your body's balance can go out of whack. I used to have migraines, for which i took pain killers. The medicines burnt out my stomach, so i stopped those, thus worsening my migraines that gave me vertigo. Now i take Tylenol on mildly dire days, keeping fingers crossed that they don't shoot my liver down lol.

Not to mention, my weight. am touching my highest non-pregnant weight. At some point in the year, i simply gave up. I have a tropical vacation coming up, and my folks have been asking me to lose atleast SOME weight, but instead i was seriously considering buying burkinis lol. I stopped wearing pants altogether, making do with dresses, skirts or shirt dresses with leggings. somehow, when i was dealing with dizzy migraines, i somehow connected it with my tight pants digging into me, and i am so traumatized that i just can't make myself wear pants again. not until i lose maybe 20 lbs.

But there's always 2020 to get back on the program, ya? I think i will somehow get back in shape next year. Also, i might find a better work-life balance. And i pray that all my personal and family stuff that was going on smoothly keeps that way.

how was your 2019?

desi aunty wrote:

how was your 2019?

>>>>>> Made a job switch and like the new environment. On the personal front,
Doc suggested maybe losing a few pounds. Weird mix of feeling strong overall, but at the same time getting the sense that age may be catching up. *Trying to tell the boys that stepping into adulthood would be a good idea ( I mean for them..too late for me . Need to hold it together till it’s time to start winding down, although there is the fear that that may be anticlimactic.  Otherwise, no complaints. The good news is the epiphany that roads taken were productive on balance and even exciting and the roads not taken were not that big a deal anyway. 

*”Though much is taken, much abides..”
to quote Ulysses

Cool about the job switch. Sigh about the weight again. I have been avoiding my physical this year coz I have a feeling it won’t be good lol. Whenever I remember to take my blood sugar it’s not good. And I know the things I need to do in terms of diet and exercise to keep that number down but I willfully avoid it. Will come back to bite me later. 

But here’s to 2020 and good health! Let’s dedicate that year to it!

Loved the attitude here haha - The good news is the epiphany that roads taken were productive on balance and even exciting and the roads not taken were not that big a deal anyway. 

Hope everyone had a decent 2019.  I occasionally still check this place out of mere habit. Looks like most of the regulars have left.  Wish those still lingering and the occasional visitors a very happy 2020 and a great holiday season.  May you all achieve fulfillment in your personal and professional lives.

5 more days to survive in 2019.

Will continue doing a 2020 next year, if I ever get to the next year.

lost an old friend of mine in the last week of it. no warning, no sickness, no markers. was slim, fit, healthy. had a sudden heart attack. dead, gone, no second chance, in under 5 minutes. one moment they were living it up in a friend's party. 5 hours later, she's gone. We reached india 3 days later. would have ideally met for drinks/dinner with the couple and friends, instead went for condolences. 

have seen sudden deaths in 40s of many, including family, but this one shook me the most probably. known them both closely for 30+ years. lived closed by, same schools, same circles of friends, we were close family friends too, we all basically grew up together. cute loving couple, and she was talented, naughty, pretty, totally full of life and spark... how could she be gone. how could she be gone ... i have asked this question maybe 500 times in last 2 weeks now. 

2020 started with another childhood friend losing her kid to years of bad health. 

middle age is turning out to be grim ... strangely though, it makes me more determined to live. live in moments, not in numbers. who knows when i will drop dead. who knows when i will go to bed and not wake up. who knows anything ever.

Live! life...

I have seen jerks here talk about bhest culture, bhest language, bhest religion

and Poooof... the are/will be gone someday soon

You never know which year, month, day, minute could be the last.

Enjoy!