The divorce rate is falling. Bad news for Indo-Americans

When a friend of mine, I’ll call her Chitra, married in a lavish Hindu ceremony in India, she believed she was marrying a kind and supportive man. She had met him a few times before the wedding, introduced by their families in an arranged union. But soon after the ceremony, her husband became hostile and controlling, Chitra says, a difficult personality made worse by alcoholism. She used to be bubbly and party-loving, but 22 years into their marriage, she has become an emaciated figure, removed from her friends and guarded in her conversations with family members. Telling others about her marital troubles would mean losing her status in society. Even though the couple and their two children now live in the United States, divorce would be a shameful admission of failure in their Indian immigrant community. Her family would be shunned, locking them out of social and religious events and making it difficult for her children to get married in the future.

Chitra’s experience is an increasingly common one in the United States. While divorce is an accepted and relatively easy process in Western countries, it has remained stigmatized in growing Asian immigrant communities, particularly where arranged marriages are still the norm. Even discussing marital problems is limited. Divorce rates for the 3.5 million people of South Asian descent in the United States. are extremely low, but that’s not necessarily because they’ve selected better mates or constructed healthier unions. While the U.S. government doesn’t track the divorce rate for Indian Americans specifically, expert estimates range from 1 percent to 15 percent, compared to a divorce rate of 44 percent for all Americans. (In India, divorce is even less common – just one in 1,000 marriages ends in divorce.)

Chitra’s story, and the emotional suffering of other South Asian men and women whom I help as a counselor, show why those numbers are so concerning. Husbands and wives are forced by social pressure originating 8,000 miles away to stay in emotionally unhealthy and abusive relationships. While parents and siblings might show sympathy over an unhappy marriage, divorce is often considered beyond the pale. Divorcees often are isolated from their families, an object of mingled pity and disdain. Sometimes, they stop receiving invitations to family functions, and when they do attend, they’re made a target of relatives’ shaming. In conservative families, a divorced woman is often viewed as pariah or harbinger of bad luck. The divorce taboo has particularly severe consequences for women who have no financial resources of their own. If their families oppose the divorce, they may be left with no place to go and no means of supporting themselves and their children. So while many are cheering about the falling divorce rates in the United States, this isn’t good news for all. In some communities, what’s needed is more divorce, not less.

The divorce stigma often is most severe in cases of arranged marriage. Though it’s not clear exactly how many such unions exist in the United States, we know that South Asians are part of the fastest-growing racial group here, and about 70 percent of Indian marriages are arranged. More than 87 percent of Indian Americans are foreign-born, and ties to relatives and communities back home mean customs like arranged marriage and the shame of divorce continue to be enforced across oceans and through generations. These traditions and values span social class: The high level of educational and professional achievement in Indian immigrant populations can disguise how deeply traditional they are in their personal lives. Youth who attend American schools and are immersed in Western culture still can experience extreme pressure from older relatives to marry someone from back home of the same religion and caste. At its worst, breaking the custom of arranged marriage can mean being disowned by one’s family.

confuzzled dude wrote:

When a friend of mine, I’ll call her Chitra, married in a lavish Hindu ceremony in India, she believed she was marrying a kind and supportive man. She had met him a few times before the wedding, introduced by their families in an arranged union. But soon after the ceremony, her husband became hostile and controlling, Chitra says, a difficult personality made worse by alcoholism. She used to be bubbly and party-loving, but 22 years into their marriage, she has become an emaciated figure, removed from her friends and guarded in her conversations with family members. Telling others about her marital troubles would mean losing her status in society. Even though the couple and their two children now live in the United States, divorce would be a shameful admission of failure in their Indian immigrant community. Her family would be shunned, locking them out of social and religious events and making it difficult for her children to get married in the future.

Chitra’s experience is an increasingly common one in the United States. While divorce is an accepted and relatively easy process in Western countries, it has remained stigmatized in growing Asian immigrant communities, particularly where arranged marriages are still the norm. Even discussing marital problems is limited. Divorce rates for the 3.5 million people of South Asian descent in the United States. are extremely low, but that’s not necessarily because they’ve selected better mates or constructed healthier unions. While the U.S. government doesn’t track the divorce rate for Indian Americans specifically, expert estimates range from 1 percent to 15 percent, compared to a divorce rate of 44 percent for all Americans. (In India, divorce is even less common – just one in 1,000 marriages ends in divorce.)

Chitra’s story, and the emotional suffering of other South Asian men and women whom I help as a counselor, show why those numbers are so concerning. Husbands and wives are forced by social pressure originating 8,000 miles away to stay in emotionally unhealthy and abusive relationships. While parents and siblings might show sympathy over an unhappy marriage, divorce is often considered beyond the pale. Divorcees often are isolated from their families, an object of mingled pity and disdain. Sometimes, they stop receiving invitations to family functions, and when they do attend, they’re made a target of relatives’ shaming. In conservative families, a divorced woman is often viewed as pariah or harbinger of bad luck. The divorce taboo has particularly severe consequences for women who have no financial resources of their own. If their families oppose the divorce, they may be left with no place to go and no means of supporting themselves and their children. So while many are cheering about the falling divorce rates in the United States, this isn’t good news for all. In some communities, what’s needed is more divorce, not less.

The divorce stigma often is most severe in cases of arranged marriage. Though it’s not clear exactly how many such unions exist in the United States, we know that South Asians are part of the fastest-growing racial group here, and about 70 percent of Indian marriages are arranged. More than 87 percent of Indian Americans are foreign-born, and ties to relatives and communities back home mean customs like arranged marriage and the shame of divorce continue to be enforced across oceans and through generations. These traditions and values span social class: The high level of educational and professional achievement in Indian immigrant populations can disguise how deeply traditional they are in their personal lives. Youth who attend American schools and are immersed in Western culture still can experience extreme pressure from older relatives to marry someone from back home of the same religion and caste. At its worst, breaking the custom of arranged marriage can mean being disowned by one’s family.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2015/03/10/the-divorce-rate-is-falling-heres-why-thats-bad-news-for-some-americans/

I think this (divorce stigma, locking them out of social & religious events) no longer is the case, at least, not in Andhra or among the Telugus living in America. Not sure what the author's background is, am guessing North Indian going by her name.

garam_kuta wrote:
This and such other dilemmas will cease only when they stop living essentially for their image to others, and start living for what they really want for themselves - as simple as that