etiquette q

by MaxEntropy_Man Sun Mar 25, 2012 5:37 pm

a distant relative passed away. i am very close to one offspring of said distant relative to whom i've offered condolences on the phone. the other offsprings, i never speak to, and very rarely see them at extended family gatherings. is it ok to email condolences rather than offering them by phone?

by Guest Sun Mar 25, 2012 5:46 pm

MaxEntropy_Man wrote:a distant relative passed away. i am very close to one offspring of said distant relative to whom i've offered condolences on the phone. the other offsprings, i never speak to, and very rarely see them at extended family gatherings. is it ok to email condolences rather than offering them by phone?

I think it should be fine.

by Guest Sun Mar 25, 2012 6:12 pm

MaxEntropy_Man wrote:a distant relative passed away. i am very close to one offspring of said distant relative to whom i've offered condolences on the phone. the other offsprings, i never speak to, and very rarely see them at extended family gatherings. is it ok to email condolences rather than offering them by phone?

Since it is not clear I will ask. Is there a surviving spouse (or parent) of the distant relative. If yes, then I guess you need to call them too.

by Marathadi-Saamiyaar Sun Mar 25, 2012 6:29 pm

MaxEntropy_Man wrote:a distant relative passed away. i am very close to one offspring of said distant relative to whom i've offered condolences on the phone. the other offsprings, i never speak to, and very rarely see them at extended family gatherings. is it ok to email condolences rather than offering them by phone?

If you know the phone numbers, better to call them...perhaps, in due course 1,2, or 4 wks later. Email is ok only if you were informed by email.

by Maria S Sun Mar 25, 2012 7:02 pm

In my view:

Sure an e-mail is not inappropriate in these e-times,..but, it will mean a lot to actually hear the voice of someone, who made the effort and called to express their condolences during time of grief and loss. People will always remember it- even it's a very brief call, especially if they did not expect the person to care enough and call them.

If they cannot be reached via telephone, an e-mail expressing condolences and indicating the effort to reach them would be appropriate.

One of the good things I learned from Americans is to write hand written cards-notes.. especially to say thank you and express condolences. If not a hand written note, a brief tel.call is the next best thing.

by Guest Sun Mar 25, 2012 7:14 pm

MaxEntropy_Man wrote:a distant relative passed away. i am very close to one offspring of said distant relative to whom i've offered condolences on the phone. the other offsprings, i never speak to, and very rarely see them at extended family gatherings. is it ok to email condolences rather than offering them by phone?

A sensitive situation - better to make the phone call and not offend anyone.

Or write a letter addressing all children - a more formal approach.

by MaxEntropy_Man Sun Mar 25, 2012 7:57 pm

thanks for the responses. yes it is sensitive. i am very close to the one offspring who is a childhood friend and it is natural for me to call and offer comfort. it's always been difficult for me to express consolation or congratulations to people with whom i don't have a history of corresponding. perhaps the letter addressing all the children (and a surviving spouse) is a more formal (and for me a more comfortable) approach. i realize this is not about my comfort, but still have great difficulty with things like this.

by Guest Sun Mar 25, 2012 8:09 pm

MaxEntropy_Man wrote:thanks for the responses. yes it is sensitive. i am very close to the one offspring who is a childhood friend and it is natural for me to call and offer comfort. it's always been difficult for me to express consolation or congratulations to people with whom i don't have a history of corresponding. perhaps the letter addressing all the children (and a surviving spouse) is a more formal (and for me a more comfortable) approach. i realize this is not about my comfort, but still have great difficulty with things like this.

My aunt used to always say, 'you may skip someone's happy occasion, but never ever skip someone's sad event'.

In my case, I always try to reach out, atleast I call there when most people would be there, and then talk to as many of them as possible. Even if I can't talk to each, it's important enough for them to know that I called.

For me while it's uncomfortable talking to them then, it will be MUCH MORE uncomfortable to face them days/months/years later and try to pretend that all is normal between us.

And whenever you are in that city, specially within a year, try to visit.

by Kris Sun Mar 25, 2012 9:30 pm

MaxEntropy_Man wrote:a distant relative passed away. i am very close to one offspring of said distant relative to whom i've offered condolences on the phone. the other offsprings, i never speak to, and very rarely see them at extended family gatherings. is it ok to email condolences rather than offering them by phone?

>>>Seems okay considering you have already spoken by phone to the one you are close to.

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