Letter from blabberwock to her hujjbaaand

http://raagshahana.blogspot.com/2011/09/open-letter-to-delhi-boy.html?


OPEN LETTER TO A DELHI BOY







Dear Delhi boy,

Namaskaram from the South of India, or as you may
like to believe, the countries south of the Vindhyas. I came to your
city 2 years ago with a brand new job and a bucketload of expectations.
My friends and family here thought I was completely insane to choose
Delhi over more female conducive cities like Bangalore or even Bombay. I
am very sad to report that your reputation of being an ignorant,
chauvinistic oaf with the intelligence levels of an autistic 3 year old
on crack precedes you and it hurts me even more to admit to this rather
accurate description.
Your reputation has travelled far and wide, to
countries outside South India as well. And believe me man, it is not a
pretty situation. I understand that your stone faded, ripped jeans, your
V-neck cleavage showing t-shirts that reveal to the world that you have
infact inherited your mother’s voluptuous shaved Punjabi bosom, are
what you think maketh a man, but it does not. It only maketh for a man
who gets a pity license to share his girlfriend’s bra. I write to you as
a woman who has been brought up in a society free of any discrimination
towards women so thanks to you, my living in Delhi is as safe as Hugh
Hefner’s playmate of the year living in Jeddah.
You meet me at a
friend’s birthday, talk to me about nightclubs and your new SUV and when
I look like I’m in desperate need of a barf bag, you think I have an
attitude problem. I understand this completely. But let me remind you
that I am from SOUTH INDIA and not SOUTH DELHI, so no ,I am not scrawny,
I am not fair, I don’t have straight hair and my topics of conversation
go beyond the Fendi I saw in last month’s Vogue. I am olive-skinned,
have lower –back-length lustrous cascading tresses that sometimes make
me look like I fell out Jim Morrison’s tour bus. Got a problem with
that? Well just suck it up coz I was born into a society where a woman
can whoop your Punjabi patoutie to pulp. While your mother pretends to
be very progressive but still cows down to the whims of her husband
every single time, mine on the other hand was born into a matriarchal
home where every single possession is in the rightful name of the girl
child. Could you ever, my hunky handsome, cash throwing pig, imagine
this kind of power in your society? So stop telling me that women are
not treated like trash where you come from. Just shut up and admit to
it. It’s just easier that way. And lest we forget that we’ve managed to
curtail the number of rape cases despite not having a female Chief
Minister. Amma ‘s body composition generates way too much heat for her
get out of her AC room anyway, so don’t even bring that up.
And your
English. Good Lord, what in the world is up with that? I don’t want you
to ‘explain me’ anything. It’s like you need to go to primary school all
over again. And call them your parents, not your ‘peerents’ or what
your cooler, more happening brethren call them—‘mere mom-dad’. Like what
are they? Conjoined twins? Are they joined at the hip? Your South India
counterparts may not have your looks, but are way more mentally
stimulating, a quality that eludes you obviously, but has been the
single most sexy factor for us Southie chicks since the age of five. I
mean once again, who can blame you? You were brought up on Gurdas Mann
and the heroic deeds of Devinder Singh Bhullar and the ever so fair
concepts such as elections in Phugwada while we mere ‘black-colour
waale’ mortals had to make do with Bharatnatyam classes, M.S
Subhalakshmi and chess. Shame no? And yes, if by a slight chance, you do
find my big dancer eyes attractive enough for you to prolong our
conversations and meetings and if by an even slighter chance you fall in
love with me and decide to marry me, you will have to wear a mundu and
you will have to lie prostrate shirtless at the Guruvayurappan temple. A
small price to pay for all the genuine independence I am giving up for
you. And that’s the real thing, not what you see the Delhi girls at LSR
and Stephen’s doing during their fake as hell protest marches coz
ultimately they’re going home to a family who’re putting together money
for Bobby beta’s bail coz he just ran over his girlfriend’s ex, by
mistake of course.
I understand that I come from the land of ugly. I
mean obviously Hema Malini, Sri Devi and Aishwarya Rai with their
natural banal looks don’t even hold a candle to Priyanka Chopra after
her two nose jobs and one lip reconstruction surgery. Not a chance in
hell. But when you do come to ask for my hand, remember I am part
Maharashtrian and part South Indian and NO, they are not the same thing.
So please tell your family, not to drop racist bombs like “Arey woh sab
toh ‘Sawth’ ke hi hote hai na?” And YOU—don’t walk up to mother in an
attempt to make flattering conversation and say shit like “Aunty you
don’t look like a South Indian You are so fair” In return she will
verbally Texas chainsaw massacre your face so badly, your dead Dadi will
haunt you the very same night, telling you how fleeing Pakistan was
less traumatic. So don’t. Better still just don’t speak. Just glean and
flex your muscles a little and keep smiling. Just whatever you do, don’t
talk.
You may not like our food, but then we don’t like you, which
is worse. We may not be even that into food, but then that’s coz we have
other things to do with our lives, like crack IIT or become writers,
journalists, activists and do things that we are very passionate about.
The South Indian woman has a voice and boy can she yell. So if you want
to Sambhar ‘Chawl’ your way into my life, then you got to toe the line.
Be way more aware than what your are. Remember Delhi is not a country
and we are not Black. If I ever hear you utter that name of that colour,
I will Kalaripayattu your tongue out of your rear. Yes , that is the
secret behind our awesome sex ratio. Just so you know.
For someone
who is so confident of his physical abilities you really suck at luring
an intelligent woman. Don’t send me text messages that say ‘happy guru
purab’, you freakshow and if you want to be cute with your ever so
charming (not) Punjabi advances, then don’t send texts that say “Dil
laye gayee kudi Madrraaas di”! NO. It’s just not cool man. I may have
have missed on a lot in this letter, but that’s ok because you’ll forget
to read it and even if you do , you’ll get your cousin Jassi from
Defence Callonny to translate it for you. And this letter can’t go on
forever like the Punjabi male ego.
So long my love, and here’s two
steps of gidda just for you, just to show that I can be traditional and
will not accidently kick your sister while doing so.
Love, hugs,
kisses aka ‘muah’ (only I shall ‘muah’, you please don’t do anything coz
you tend to forget that these are my lips and not a piece of Tandoori
Chicken from Kakke- Da- Dhabba)

Yours
Madrasan
(Only I can
call myself that. If you EVER call me by this name, I will shove so many
coconuts down your system that your little saver pack versions will
begin to sprout coir.)

http://disgruntledmob.blogspot.com/2011/09/bhaiyya-palika-bazaar-ka-kitna.html


Bhaiyya... Palika Bazaar ka kitna?







You will excuse me if this
comes across as coarse, crude or even unintelligible. As is usual
caveman practice, I carved out the rough draft on a stone tablet with a
blunt animal bone. And my fellow cave dwellers kept on distracting me
with something about “fire”. New age nonsense.
So well, let’s set the record straight.
I’m
a Delhi ‘Boy’. And I’m not a rapist. Or an oppressor of women. I can
drive pretty well, and yes, I do appreciate my Rajma Chawal… preferably
with sweetened curd. But I’m weird like that.
Whenever
I talk to someone south of the Vindhyas (This is a stretch… I don’t
even know where the damn mountains are on a map), I’m expected to
conform to stuff “we people do in the North”. From what I’m given to
understand, there’s apparently a large conspiracy afoot to find people
ugly, make fun of their cultural/religious leanings and drive my SUV
over people on pavements.
And you know, I resent this. Most of all because I can’t afford an SUV right now.

But
I also resent this because I grew up with the idea of a consolidated,
united India. For the most part, I took that “all Indians are my
brothers and sisters” nonsense a little too seriously and ended up being
pretty awkward whenever I was asked out for coffee. But that’s not the
point.
I’ve never thought that the people of any part of this nation
would behave any differently just because they were from that part of
the nation. So to be labeled a “Pig” because I know a higher number of
Vickys and Rockys than the national average is somewhat unfair.
Yes, I
will grant you that Delhi per se doesn’t seem to have a stellar track
record of safety as far as women are concerned… But assholes are
assholes. Blaming “mindsets” might be the right way to go only insofar
as you don’t start blaming entire geographical areas and start writing
about it on your Stereotypewriters.
As far as oppression of women
goes… is it bad? Yes. It’s pathetic and it takes a coward to make
someone who loves you go through with something like that. But is it a
sole patent pending trademark of us in the North? No. And just so you
know, my ex oppressed me more than what allowed by most UN charters.
Most of my jokes these days are as a result of that trauma.
Be
that as it may, would you at least pay heed to what little difference
of preference that is “allowed”? I’m allowed to dislike South Indian
food. Or North Indian food. Or those stupid Dhoklas those Gujjus keep
churning out by the kiloton. (LOLJK, I would probably drive a 4 door
sedan over people on pavements for a decent Masala Dosa).
Anyway, would any of this make me a racist? No.

Would
judging someone based on the color of their skin make me one? Yes. Do I
think Fairness cream advertisements (or demographic specific matrimony
sites) display a stupid bias? Yes. But seriously, do I think this way
(or not think this way) because I’m from Delhi? Nope. It’s common
friggin’ sense.
So if I find a way to bring down the
Tamilmatrimony.com servers, it’s because I think it’s a fundamentally
bad idea. And not because I want to facilitate the eventual invasion and
takeover of the South by thinning down the population over there.
And
yes, my English sucks. I can barely read or write. I forward a lot of
text messages where “the” is abbreviated to “dat”. Hell, most of my
tweets are stolen Rajnikanth jokes. Again, I ask you, does this make me
truly horrible as a person?
I’m sure there are
plenty of rhetorical questions to be asked still, but as it stands, is
ANYTHING grounds for thinking two people are the same?
Why would you
paint me and my neighbours in the same brush? The Sharmas won’t hurt a
fly. Neither would the Guptas or the Malhotras. But the Varmas three
houses down are getting really irritating with their torture of small
woodland mammals.
All racism is essentially a
bad idea. As are most generalizations. As it stands, I’m getting
progressively more tired of telling people that I am, in fact, a North
Korean Jailor in an effort to get them to like me better. I wish you’d
help me and my kin get rid of this habit. Adopt a Delhi-ite if you have
to. But please remember, “My” culture, is in fact, “our” culture.

So… I repeat. I’m a Delhi Boy.
And I’m not any of those things you mentioned.
I do pirate the occasional 720p movie, but that’s about it.
P.s. I’m a vegetarian. Or I would’ve indeed mentioned Chicken in some form or the other. Modulate outrage as necessary.

boring. too long. sounds like juvenile tripe. couldn't read beyond two lines. but thanks for spamming the forum.

Typical Indian girl. The boy merely talked to her in a party an she is dreaming about him coming in a lungi and marrying her.

Will read the rest of it later.

hilarious! mostly.

MaxEntropy_Man wrote:hilarious! mostly.

the original letter or the reply or both? what was hilarious?

comment # 2:

understand that I come from the land of ugly. I
mean obviously Hema Malini, Sri Devi and Aishwarya Rai with their
natural banal looks don’t even hold a candle to Priyanka Chopra after
her two nose jobs and one lip reconstruction surgery.

hahaha.. hema malini has had face lifts in a later age. Sri Devi is the FIRST Indian actress to get a nose job, and Aishwarya Rai had raised her cheek bones.

This troll didn't get his/her facts right.

MaxEntropy_Man wrote:hilarious! mostly.

Oh...So it was not YOU wrote to the delhi boy?

Tracy Whitney wrote:comment # 2:

understand that I come from the land of ugly. I
mean obviously Hema Malini, Sri Devi and Aishwarya Rai with their
natural banal looks don’t even hold a candle to Priyanka Chopra after
her two nose jobs and one lip reconstruction surgery.

hahaha.. hema malini has had face lifts in a later age. Sri Devi is the FIRST Indian actress to get a nose job, and Aishwarya Rai had raised her cheek bones.

This troll didn't get his/her facts right.

this is akin to pakis claiming that their country treats women well as their recent PM was a woman...



note: this is not to impugn in anyway the collective good looks of women from a certain geographical area in question. all women are beautiful and princesses. I look forward to the day when MCPs do not judge women based on exterior qualities and appreciate internal beauty instead.

Propagandhi711 wrote:

Tracy Whitney wrote:comment # 2:

understand that I come from the land of ugly. I
mean obviously Hema Malini, Sri Devi and Aishwarya Rai with their
natural banal looks don’t even hold a candle to Priyanka Chopra after
her two nose jobs and one lip reconstruction surgery.

hahaha.. hema malini has had face lifts in a later age. Sri Devi is the FIRST Indian actress to get a nose job, and Aishwarya Rai had raised her cheek bones.

This troll didn't get his/her facts right.

this is akin to pakis claiming that their country treats women well as their recent PM was a woman...



note: this is not to impugn in anyway the collective good looks of women from a certain geographical area in question. all women are beautiful and princesses. I look forward to the day when MCPs do not judge women based on exterior qualities and appreciate internal beauty instead.

forgot to note that the original poster attempted to coopt aishwarya rai into their fold. the kleptomania extends to peepal also?

Propagandhi711 wrote:

Tracy Whitney wrote:comment # 2:

understand that I come from the land of ugly. I
mean obviously Hema Malini, Sri Devi and Aishwarya Rai with their
natural banal looks don’t even hold a candle to Priyanka Chopra after
her two nose jobs and one lip reconstruction surgery.

hahaha.. hema malini has had face lifts in a later age. Sri Devi is the FIRST Indian actress to get a nose job, and Aishwarya Rai had raised her cheek bones.

This troll didn't get his/her facts right.

this is akin to pakis claiming that their country treats women well as their recent PM was a woman...



note: this is not to impugn in anyway the collective good looks of women from a certain geographical area in question. all women are beautiful and princesses. I look forward to the day when MCPs do not judge women based on exterior qualities and appreciate internal beauty instead.

basically, your note saved you.

Tracy Whitney wrote:

MaxEntropy_Man wrote:hilarious! mostly.

the original letter or the reply or both? what was hilarious?

the original letter.

don't know why northindians think hema malini is pretty. nearly always it's been a northindian who has said that she is pretty. neither is aishwarya rai. sridevi was alright, but i thought rekha had one of the most interesting faces in indian cinema; so also shabana azmi, madhubala, and bipasha basu.

Marathadi-Saamiyaar wrote:

MaxEntropy_Man wrote:hilarious! mostly.

Oh...So it was not YOU wrote to the delhi boy?

i would have punctuated way better, and split into readable paragraphs.

MaxEntropy_Man wrote:
i would have punctuated way better, and split into readable paragraphs.

And not have used any caps.

since so many people commented in this thread, i thought i should read the original post by some...wait...shahana in entirety. she is a kid. 21 yrs old i'd imagine. suffering from angst. stop right there. cocktail-ed with her feeling of being south indian and a tequila of delhi or, er, punjab delhi. never mix driinks is all i can say. i imagine il professore is of the same mental age.

and then, the girl, in her blog, has deleted comments. yikes! when she grows up she will want to delete her blog. i hope she can.