Atcg

by Guest Tue Jan 22, 2013 3:30 pm

I like a love story. A mature adult love story with dark shades.

by Petrichor Tue Jan 22, 2013 3:42 pm

Good for you!

by Guest Tue Jan 22, 2013 3:47 pm

atcg wrote:Good for you!

Was hoping you would share one. Boring afternoon today.

by Petrichor Tue Jan 22, 2013 4:23 pm

Pavan was in a hostel during his high school - that year the 12th standard exams were postponed for some weird reason. And so the entire hostel emptied out except for the 12th graders and a skeletal staff that took care of their earthly needs. The Deccan sun parched everyone's throats and sleeping indoors was intolerable. Pavan decided to walk over to the classrooms for evening studies and for extracurriculars during those days he paid some attention to female physiology in the form of his classmate Charu. They occasionally studied together keeping clear physical boundaries.

One night Pavan decided to climb up to the roof of the open air theater to get some breeze and have a sound sleep. At around 2 am, Pavan was disturbed and woke up to stare at the dusky face of Charu in close quarters. She had climbed out of her hostel's window and reached him on the open air rooftop. Pavan couldn't believe his luck even as he heard the tap-tap sounds of the chowkidhar's baton on the ground in the distance.

to be contd.

by Idéfix Tue Jan 22, 2013 4:40 pm

Who is Richard Parker in this story? I hope it is not the chowkidar.

by Guest Tue Jan 22, 2013 4:48 pm

lol, where is this lifted from?

by Propagandhi711 Tue Jan 22, 2013 4:50 pm

no, no the chowkidar is the green goblin stalking parker

by Hellsangel Tue Jan 22, 2013 4:51 pm

Propagandhi711 wrote:no, no the chowkidar is the green goblin stalking parker

Peter or Richard?

by Propagandhi711 Tue Jan 22, 2013 4:53 pm

Hellsangel wrote:
Propagandhi711 wrote:no, no the chowkidar is the green goblin stalking parker

Peter or Richard?

I thought this was lifted from spidermanan.

by Guest Tue Jan 22, 2013 5:00 pm

ah I never saw the new spiderman.

by Idéfix Tue Jan 22, 2013 5:08 pm

Sorry about the all round confusion. I was referring to Life of Pi from where DNA's signature comes.

by Guest Tue Jan 22, 2013 5:21 pm

Ah ok. Not seen the movie. But the signature is interesting.

by Petrichor Tue Jan 22, 2013 5:25 pm

Even as Pavan's heart raced, attributing it to a specific reason - Charu or Chowkidhar was proving difficult. In the dimlit crescent moon night, Charu's profile as she hovered ove his body was clearly visible, silhouetted on the roof of the open air theater stage, from the ground level. Pavan's thoughts focused on the immediate threat. He pulled her down to the floor just as the chowkidhar stepped into the concrete bleachers of the auditorium. He must have seen movement.

Charu seemed oblivious to the threat looming below. She retained a beatific smile probably relishing the gutsiness of sneaking out of her dorm. The chowkidhar carried a fairly powerful flashlight which he now shone finding the rooftop, just as Pavan used the bedsheet to cover Charu. Without questioning the math of shining light at that angle, Pavan still computed the dangers of discovery. As he half-lay over Charu, covered in the thin bedsheet, and raising his head, he caught the light of the beam from the chowkidhar.

He yelled, "kyaa ho raha hai?!" sounding authoritative over the dimunitive chowkidhar. "Nahi saab...sab theek hai" and the light beam moved away.

to be contd.

by Petrichor Tue Jan 22, 2013 6:09 pm

Bidya found her own voice! adios to the story....

by Guest Tue Jan 22, 2013 7:14 pm

atcg wrote:Bidya found her own voice! adios to the story....

no no .... continue. I was attempting a diff writing style and fiction for the first time. sucked. may not continue.

by Guest Tue Jan 22, 2013 7:21 pm

Bidya asked for a 'mature adult' love story, but DNA started off with the love story of under-aged high school kids. Ok fine....he's pardoned in the name of bollywood, kollywood, tollywood and a whole range of indian woods. I was actually elated that I was finally comprehending what DNA was writing. But then he abruptly puts a damper with 'adios to the story....'. Grrr!!

by Petrichor Wed Jan 23, 2013 10:26 am

2

Flash forward...a scene at a train station one afternoon a few weeks later. Pavan looked at Charu as she asked, when will we see each other again? Not sure, Pavan replied. Why don't we make a pact to see other right here near the milk 'stall' after 20 years, same time? Pavan found the earnest look on her face charming. Sure. She gave him a keepsake - and Pavan left.

He had played baseball in India (!) but did not know the term 'bases' or what they meant. In later years he figured he must have hit a solid single and stolen the second base. He was clearly back at the dugout.

From the rustic charms of his hostel life, the pace in the city which became his home, was a seachange.

by Guest Wed Jan 23, 2013 10:29 am

20 years!!! Yay. The mature adult part begins now.

by Guest Wed Jan 23, 2013 10:37 am

atcg wrote:2

Flash forward...a scene at a train station one afternoon a few weeks later. Pavan looked at Charu as she asked, when will we see each other again? Not sure, Pavan replied. Why don't we make a pact to see other right here near the milk 'stall' after 20 years, same time? Pavan found the earnest look on her face charming. Sure. She gave him a keepsake - and Pavan left.

He had played baseball in India (!) but did not know the term 'bases' or what they meant. In later years he figured he must have hit a solid single and stolen the second base. He was clearly back at the dugout.

From the rustic charms of his hostel life, the pace in the city which became his home, was a seachange.

Wow! That's a giant leap of 20 yrs in one go!
The middle para went waaay over my head, but that's ok. That's dna's style of writing, so such things shld be expected.
Now what next? Eagerly waiting for the mature adult part....

by Guest Wed Jan 23, 2013 10:39 am

Lol kinns. He is talking about bases in a relationship and how pavan got out without doing much with charu.

by Petrichor Wed Jan 23, 2013 10:59 am

3

Cue the change in tempo and tune of the music....Pavan found the Metropolis had a different cadence from the one he was used to. The college was on the outskirts and he managed decent enough grades. He found the city folk shallow and took pride in such trivial things as his ability to use 'chutzpah' in a sentence, although its pronunciation was still foreign to him. He took part in the college festivities and learned the appropriate use of 'Machi' or' brother-in-law' when addressing comrades in arms.

He politely flattered the half-saree crowd with appreciative glances at bus-stops and Lol'ed at Bhagyaraj comedy. He was destined for the fameless anonymity of the metropolis and a life filled with concerns about EMI.

It was at one of the quiz competitions where, in a nailbiting finish he managed to break the tie with an answer to a question about why the letter "D" was used to symbolize 500, that he met Radhika. She was a cool chick and hung around the 'artsy' crowd and decided to figure him out. They made plans to head out to the Academy where there was a PUCL lecture that evening.

to be contd.

by Petrichor Wed Jan 23, 2013 11:04 am

Okay...so, dear reader, if you have managed to stick around this far....

* what aspects of the story would you like amplification?
* where do you think the storyline should go?
* which character(s) require deeper descriptions?
* do you like stories with crisp plot and good closure or do you like meandering ones that are big on atmospherics and descriptions?

by Guest Wed Jan 23, 2013 11:16 am

Vidya Bagchi wrote:Lol kinns. He is talking about bases in a relationship and how pavan got out without doing much with charu.

Mybad! I need some maturing-up to do.

So far so good, DNA. Interesting! So Charu out, Radhi in...

by Guest Wed Jan 23, 2013 11:25 am

atcg wrote:Okay...so, dear reader, if you have managed to stick around this far....

* what aspects of the story would you like amplification?

don't know. Personal relatioships, maybe?

atcg wrote:* where do you think the storyline should go?

my guess is that he hits it off with Radhika. But 20 yrs down the lane, Charu steps in.

atcg wrote:* which character(s) require deeper descriptions?

Radhika. Seems strong, intelligent and fascinating.

atcg wrote:* do you like stories with crisp plot and good closure or do you like meandering ones that are big on atmospherics and descriptions?

I won't care either one if it's someone else. With you, the second one is sure going to get all complicated and way over our heads.

by Maria S Wed Jan 23, 2013 12:05 pm

Atcg,

If I can be excused from reading the story (for now!)..

I was reading this somewhat interesting article (states the obvious) and thought it may appeal to you..when I read this part Very Happy

:

"...A degree of repression is necessary for both the mental health of our species and the adequate functioning of a decently ordered society. We are chaotic chemical propositions. We should feel grateful for, and protected by, the knowledge that our external circumstances are often out of line with what we feel; it is a sign that we are probably on the right course..."

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201212/12-rude-revelations-about-sex

by Petrichor Wed Jan 23, 2013 12:11 pm

4

Radhika was an English Lit. major and dabbled in pursuits like street-plays, moderate feminism and civil liberties. She carried around a dog-eared copy of Ulysses in her jhola-bag and wore black-rimmed specs and a similar hued bindi of 0.5 cm diameter. She smiled easily and had a disarming way of relating to the mofussil boys when writing up her red screeds for civil action.

Her Tamil was not affected like it usually is, with the other girls in her college - she had a simple, direct manner of speaking it without too many caste-markers. She had learnt classical dance but felt more comfortable in the cool cotton practice clothes than in the gaudy over-the-top costumes & make-up required at performances.

In short, she was an accomplished and suitable girl - and Pavan looked forward to the evening.

by Guest Wed Jan 23, 2013 12:19 pm

The rebel. Love the rebels. Keep it coming.

by Marathadi-Saamiyaar Wed Jan 23, 2013 12:24 pm

Vidya Bagchi wrote:20 years!!! Yay. The mature adult part begins now.

Another 3 long steps, and I will have to take over.

by Guest Wed Jan 23, 2013 12:32 pm

Love Radhika's character already! And does Pavan have shades of dna in him?

by Guest Wed Jan 23, 2013 12:33 pm

Thank god her name wasn't paneri, or else I would start getting our PP.

by Petrichor Wed Jan 23, 2013 12:44 pm

Marathadi-Saamiyaar wrote:

Another 3 long steps, and I will have to take over.

Now that would be fun.

by Petrichor Wed Jan 23, 2013 1:05 pm

5

Pavan started out the evening with a faux pas - he used Old Spice. Radhika showed up wearing a bright orange+red schematic gujju looking chudidhar and her ever present jhola-bag. As they settled into the AC mini auditorium chairs, the PUCL speaker was exhorting the audience on the nuanced interpretation of statute as it applies to 'mofussil' activists imprisoned in 'mofussil-er' towns. She flipped open a small notebook and noted down case references.

After the event, they decided to grab a snack at Richy Rich, just past the clad iron gates of the American consulate with its big dish antennas tuned into Jaffna frequencies. She spoke about meaningful careers, her little brother and Naseeruddin Shah/Om Puri films. Pavan took a chance and suggested they could catch Ardh Satya that weekend. She agreed in a non-committal way.

They missed a couple of buses even as they waited at the bus-stop, on purpose.

by Guest Wed Jan 23, 2013 1:09 pm

Hmm. Set in the 80s.

by Idéfix Wed Jan 23, 2013 1:21 pm

Good going... I'd like to see the male protagonist's character sketched out some more. I like stories with a good balance of plot movement and atmosphere.

by Marathadi-Saamiyaar Wed Jan 23, 2013 1:42 pm

atcg wrote:Okay...so, dear reader, if you have managed to stick around this far....

* what aspects of the story would you like amplification?
* where do you think the storyline should go?
* which character(s) require deeper descriptions?
* do you like stories with crisp plot and good closure or do you like meandering ones that are big on atmospherics and descriptions?

Pavan.? Charu?

I suggest that you add a disclaimer "Any resemblance to names and incidents in this story are purely coincidental and "such" people are warned not to initiate any ingratiation to one another."

by Propagandhi711 Wed Jan 23, 2013 1:59 pm

wake me up when she takes off the bra

by Petrichor Wed Jan 23, 2013 2:22 pm

6

Pavan called her the next day, ostensibly to fix the 'date' for sunday 3.30 PM. In reality, he could not get her off his mind. He was convinced, before people completed each other, that she was the one. He could spend hours staring into the depths of those brown eyes. He was, in short, a basket case.

He considered the transactional nature of his friendship with benefits with Charu and the slippery slope of emotional murkiness that Radhika represented. He was a consummate actor but the script was about to takeover his character and the props were about to vanish leaving him vulnerable.

The movie on Sunday brought tears to her eyes and they stood in the lobby unsure of their next steps. He suggested the beach, to walk and talk. They were both wow-ed by the movie, the acting and the general lightness of their young lives. The lighthouse beam made periodic surveys of the beach sands and they walked towards the waves. After getting their feet wet, they stood motionless on the sand and Pavan reached out and held her shoulders. Her eyes were wide and the droplets of water on her face from the surf, glistened. He pulled her towards him and kissed. She did not protest.

to be contd.

by Idéfix Wed Jan 23, 2013 2:29 pm

Haha @ before people completed each other.

by Petrichor Wed Jan 23, 2013 2:58 pm

7

They embraced 'couple'hood. They started meeting at the American Center and pore over GRE and College guides. They shared intel about admit offers and financial aid. She trained him on reading comprehension while he barely held on to a slim advantage in vocabulary.

He accompanied her when she went for debate competitions or practiced her street play with friends. That is where he met her friend, Raghav. Raghav was majoring in Economics and was clearly destined for bigger leagues. He had natural goodlooks and a sharp brain that he wielded to dramatic effect in the company of friends. One always guessed he could be sarcastic if he wanted to be, but he kept it in check in order to win popularity polls. Radhika laughed at his jokes the loudest.

by Guest Wed Jan 23, 2013 3:12 pm

uh oh, trouble!

by Petrichor Wed Jan 23, 2013 3:31 pm

8

The first admit letter they celebrated was that of Raghav. He had a significant financial aid package and other esoteric benefits that Pavan did not fully understand. He gave a 'treat' to the gang - Radhika and Pavan were there to congratulate. Raghav made it a special point of note that Radhika would surely be the next to give the treat.

And sure enough, in a couple of days, Radhika got word of her redemption. She was excited not as much by the college as a specific Poet that teaches in their English department. Pavan had not ever invited her to his home, being unsure of the reception she would receive at the hands of his parents. But on this day, she called ahead and said she had a surprise which can only be told if she is personally invited to his home. He didn't have too much of a choice and told his mother something about a friend in the debating club, visiting.

She came home and mingled easily with his grandmother, his sister and his mother. They were quite surprised by a 'female' friend of their son but did not show it. His mom had made 'ribbon pakoda' and they shared it with her.

His acceptance when it came was only to the third choice of his college and with no financial aid to offset the enormous tuition. It was understood that he was going to be left behind. Radhika appeared stoic.

As days went by, he noticed that in group get-togethers Radhika and Raghav had a lot to share with each other about their forthcoming trip. Lists to be made, contacts in the US of A. Radhika asked him why he had receded from mingling with friends. Pavan simply smiled and wished that they would meet sometime in the future.

They booked their outward flights on the same day and Pavan was at hand to witness the send-off. He thought he saw a tear well up in her eye just as she turned towards the check-in.

by Idéfix Wed Jan 23, 2013 3:34 pm

Oh no! Young romance snubbed out x 2. Poor Pavan.

by Hellsangel Wed Jan 23, 2013 3:35 pm

panini press wrote:Oh no! Young romance snubbed out x 2. Poor Pavan.

Dum maro dum.

by Guest Wed Jan 23, 2013 3:47 pm

Poor Pavan. Waiting for girl #3.

by Petrichor Wed Jan 23, 2013 4:27 pm

Part II or III (anyways, this is after intermission)

1

[As the camera descends on a crane while panning the beach, we catch Pavan in the frame, head down, walking thoughtfully] As Pavan walks he notices a couple of young children building a sandcastle. Just as they finish the waves come crashing in, wiping out the structure. The children seem immune and in fact laugh and go about their task of building just another structure just like the one before. Pavan stands transfixed - (as slow violin music plays in the background).

He faces his existential crisis head-on. His education while satisfactory and wholesome, omitted his readiness for a career. The full-page ad in the Hindu by NIIT blaring about the million jobs in computers finds its intended target in Pavan's brain. He knows it will be a difficult conversation with his parents who are looking for him to start earning.

They do not protest - they silently accede to his request to enroll in the one year program after college. His uncle recommends that he also join a professional institute for costing. He joins those evening classes as well. As he is introduced to others in the class, he absent-mindedly notices the other *commerce* graduates with a slight degree of disdain. Once you have done Fourier transforms, balancing an account sounds positively childish.

After the class, as he is standing at the bus stop - he notices a girl looking at him. He dismisses the thought and gets on the bus and so does she. As he gets down at the bus stop near his home, she exits too. And they walk within 20 feet of each other, the only souls on the road at that time of the evening. He turns to look a couple of times and he thinks she was about to speak. But they do not. She passes him by, as he enters his home.

The next day at class, he notices her - it is the same girl at the bus stop. She walks over to him and says "I'm Sujatha..how come we met yesterday in class and you did not even say a hello at the bus-stop?" Pavan honestly did not remember her face. He would later learn he might have Agnosia but that woudl be much later. "Well you could have said hello too"...his weak response.

by Guest Wed Jan 23, 2013 4:44 pm

yeah.. this is the on he gonna marry. I *know* it.

by Idéfix Wed Jan 23, 2013 4:45 pm

Nah. He didn't even notice her to remember that they were in the same class. He can do better.

by Guest Wed Jan 23, 2013 4:50 pm

panini press wrote:Nah. He didn't even notice her to remember that they were in the same class. He can do better.

This one is perfect for him. stays in the shadow. will be in exactly the same field as his. is drama-free and down to earth. will support him.

by Petrichor Wed Jan 23, 2013 5:10 pm

2

Sujatha turns out to be a hyper-competitive student and the most diligent conscientious person Pavan has met. Other than studies, her interests extended to classical music, movies like Mouna Raagam and watching cricket. She occasionally read the newspaper but never things like the editorials. She was the anti-thesis of Pavan's head-in-the-clouds persona. Pavan, Sujatha and her friend, Latha would head out frequently for their favorite snack - paav bhaji. Pavan kept a running tab on the times that he paid for Sujatha's share before giving up the practice in exhaustion.

Towards the end of their training classes, Pavan made the momentous decision. They were friends but he was getting tired of the platonicity. He asked Sujatha to join him in the coffee shop and came right to the point, "I like you and I want to marry you. It just makes a lot of sense to me" She appeared suitably flustered and said something to the effect of having to talk to her mom about it.

Pavan gave her a few days to decide. She came back and the deal was sealed. In a way it was a quasi arranged set up.

When Pavan told his friend Rajan about it, Rajan took his eyes away from the Castaneda book he was reading and mumbled - yeah, she is a good girl.

by Idéfix Wed Jan 23, 2013 5:12 pm

Interesting way to go for the kill. Skipped a lot of steps straight to marriage. Hopefully they now have an extended engagement.

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