An elegy to my ex- sweetheart

by Tonic Gin Tue Apr 09, 2013 6:41 am

The
great love of my life marries today and I am not the groom. I had my
chance, a few years ago, but did not realize until too late how fleeting
my moment with her was meant to be. Whether it was my fault or hers,
and, let's face it, it was probably mine, I will wonder always about the
life I might have had with the most loving and loveable woman I have
ever known. Sometimes, I finally now understand, love, even crazy love,
is not enough. Sometimes, as the romance novelists know, timing is everything.

But today is not a day for remorse. It is not a day for lost causes.
Today is a day for celebration. The woman I once promised to keep happy is
happy. She tells me she is marrying a wonderful man, with a good heart,
whom she believes I would have liked had we met in different
circumstances. She lives where she wants to live. She has selected her
life's path. All that is left for me to do is to wish her well and to
hope that she has made the right choice; that she continues to find in
him what she did not find in me. And I am sure he considers himself
today the luckiest man on the face of the Earth.

The present I humbly send her today is this column; this public note,
this irrevocable display of affection and support and gratitude; this
worldly absolution from any guilt or sadness she felt between the time
she said no to me and the time she said yes to him. No one ought to have
to carry that with them into a marriage. I showered her with as much
love as I could muster when we were together. I still love her and
always will. So I am only too happy to offer my toast to her now, one
more time, before she takes her vows.

I want to thank her, mostly, for rescuing me from hopelessness. When we
met, back in the spring of 2005, I was nearly 40 and had been dating off
and on for two years following an unexpected divorce. I had lost faith
in relationships. I had given up on love. She arrived, unexpectedly, and
showed me what was possible. She raised me up from the emotional dead.
She drew out of me the poison
of divorce and betrayal. Eleven years younger but already more mature
than me, she was dazzling, brilliant, funny, and sweet; she both gave
and taught me patience and devotion and sacrifice. No woman before or
since ever made me feel as desired, needed, beloved, appreciated as she
did. No one has yet made me want her more. Some men live their whole
lives without this kind of love. At least I had it for one brief,
shining moment.

I want to thank her for being so delightful with my son, who talks about
her still, and to my parents, who couldn't believe their son's good
fortune to have landed such a sweetheart. Until almost literally his
dying day, my dad would ask me about her. Near the end, almost exactly
two years ago, I did not have the heart to tell him that we had broken
up. It gives me peace figuring that he died thinking she'd be in my life
when he was gone. And in a way I suppose she is. Rarely a day goes by
when something in my life -- the law, journalism, horses, celebrity
gossip -- doesn't make me think of her or what she'd think.

I want to thank her for-- it's now such a cliché that I'm almost
embarrassed to write it -- making me want to be a better man. She really
did. It happens. She made me less judgmental and more open to new
ideas. She gave me a confidence I had never felt before. She gave me
incentive to reach out professionally into areas I had not yet gone. I
became more productive and back involved in the world. And, most
important, I learned how to respond with love when so much love was
offered to me. I learned how to trust but also show it. And in some way,
virtually every friend, family member and romance in my life since has
benefited from the gifts of grace she gave so willingly to me.

I want to thank her for making me laugh, at her and myself, and for
making me swoon whenever she walked into a room. I want to thank her for
the advice she gave me, and for the soothing tone of her voice during
times of trouble. I want to thank her for completely changing my outlook
on life. Before I met her, as a single father, I never would have
considered having another child. Although it took more time than it
should have, I came to realize through her love and devotion that there
would be nothing more I would rather do in the world than have a child
with her. How many poor souls go their whole lives without the
heart-string pull of such emotions?

I want to thank her for giving my life's dream contours and a calculus. I
want to live on a farm one day, a farm filled with horses and wireless
connections where I can write. And now, thanks to her, I know exactly
what I want and need in a partner who might just want to get there, too.
That's just another gift she gave me; the gift of knowing what is
possible in a relationship; of refusing to settle for mediocrity where
it counts, and of taking the chance when something inside tells you it
could be love. I sound like a sap. I know. But it's no less true. No
matter what my romantic future holds, I know there will be no retreat
from the standards she has set. Like the song says, surely someone will
one day dare to stand where she stood. I can't wait.

On her wedding day, I want to thank her for all those times she stuck up
for me -- with her friends, with her family, with her work colleagues.
It could not have been easy, explaining to all those cooler heads, why
she was so devoted to an "old guy" who lived so far away. Yet she did
it, even after she had decided that she would not throw down her lot
with me. That's the sort of character I'd like to instill in my son.
It's the sort that we think is all around us but actually is rare. It is
courage and self-confidence and the ability to see right from wrong.
She displayed it every day, right down to the end. Ours was a romance
without rancor; a love affair that ended in peace, not war.

I want to thank her for being such an inspiration. She did not give in
or sell out or become one of those poor women of a certain age in New York who have put their careers ahead of their lives. When we met, she was living in New York but was not of New York; transplanted from the West Coast, she had not allowed herself to be seduced entirely by the City's charms. She took from Manhattan,
like so many other beautiful women do, but she never gave to it her
heart and soul. She was always rooted even among the rootless of her age
and time. She knew she would one day leave the City, and she did, on
her own terms. I admire her for that. I respect her for that. And I love
her for it.

It wasn't too long after we met that I began imagining what our wedding
day would be like. My second, her first, I nonetheless pictured her not
taking it too seriously, laughing off the little crises that always pop
up. I pictured her stunning in her dress and with that smile that would
melt me. I pictured her having a vodka and soda to ease her nerves. I
pictured us laughing a lot. I pictured myself at the end of the aisle.
It was not to be. I've known that for years. But that doesn't make the
love any less real.

So at last my wedding toast today is sincere: I wish the deepest and most profound love of my life a happy life, a good
life, one in which she gives to and gets from the loved ones in her
world the hope and the passion and the comfort and the support she
always and so magically gave to me.

We have all been there and I thought this was a sincere note, then why did it get some flack?

by Merlot Daruwala Tue Apr 09, 2013 7:38 am

Tonic Gin wrote:We have all been there and I thought this was a sincere note, then why did it get some flack?

The question here is of intent. Why would a guy who is not TBT pen a 1500-word essay about his everlasting love for a woman on the day of her wedding and that too publicly? If it was to celebrate the event and to wish her a happy marriage ahead, a simple handwritten note to the lady along with some flowers would have more than sufficed.

But no, he had to have this drama. A public spectacle she can never ignore. A gush of emotional outpouring that is guaranteed to pluck at any woman's heartstrings. Clearly, even on the day of her wedding, he is hoping to get her back. No, this man does not wish her marriage well.

Hence the flak (note the spelling).

by Guest Tue Apr 09, 2013 7:46 am

Flak where?

by Captain Bhankas Tue Apr 09, 2013 7:50 am

Merlot Daruwala wrote:Why would a guy who is not TBT pen a 1500-word essay about his everlasting love for a woman on the day of her wedding and that too publicly?

man, you are close! 1,449 to be exact.

by Merlot Daruwala Tue Apr 09, 2013 8:00 am

Vidya Bagchi wrote:Flak where?

http://www.politicsdaily.com/2010/07/24/on-her-wedding-day-saying-the-things-left-unsaid/

by Merlot Daruwala Tue Apr 09, 2013 8:06 am

Captain Bhankas wrote:
Merlot Daruwala wrote:Why would a guy who is not TBT pen a 1500-word essay about his everlasting love for a woman on the day of her wedding and that too publicly?

man, you are close! 1,449 to be exact.

Haha...I had not actually counted. 1500 words is the usual word-limit for online columns.

by Guest Tue Apr 09, 2013 8:27 am

So then this very person posted it here? And also on other desi forums I believe.

by Merlot Daruwala Tue Apr 09, 2013 8:37 am

Vidya Bagchi wrote:So then this very person posted it here? And also on other desi forums I believe.

What better way to trawl for desi aunties?

by Propagandhi711 Tue Apr 09, 2013 9:01 am

emotional dead - would make a fine movie title.

"following the footsteps of evil dead, the exorcist and frankenstein monster comes the new nightmarish film from the feverish imagination of visionary director tonic gin...a younger woman in the big city of manhattan, a older man that's emotionally dead from his divorce related betrayal, how they met online, how she revived his dead emotional muscle and what happened there after. you will cry, you will laugh the tears of gratitude when it's over. coming this friday."

by Kris Tue Apr 09, 2013 10:58 am

WTF? Is he trying to get into her pants again?

by Rekz Tue Apr 09, 2013 11:00 am

Captain Bhankas wrote:
Merlot Daruwala wrote:Why would a guy who is not TBT pen a 1500-word essay about his everlasting love for a woman on the day of her wedding and that too publicly?

man, you are close! 1,449 to be exact.

Pahh!! r u this vetti at work? uffo Mad

by Marathadi-Saamiyaar Tue Apr 09, 2013 11:17 am

Kris wrote:WTF? Is he trying to get into her pants again?

Bingo...

he is now 47 and she is 36.... he can have the best of her leaving out the worst of her, have all the fun without all the headaches...

by Tonic Gin Tue Apr 09, 2013 12:08 pm

I think the only thing he did wrong was posted this article on her wedding day (and then made one totally unrelated sexist comment on NYC women for which he got flak), apart from that all that he wrote was sincere. I think he was introspective, honest, and truly grateful for having her in his life. Very few people have the guts to do that. I think parson should feel honored that she was valued by an ex, rather than being bitched about.

by Guest Tue Apr 09, 2013 12:12 pm

Tonic Gin wrote:I think the only thing he did wrong was posted this article on her wedding day (and then made one totally unrelated sexist comment on NYC women for which he got flak), apart from that all that he wrote was sincere. I think he was introspective, honest, and truly grateful for having her in his life. Very few people have the guts to do that. I think parson should feel honored that she was valued by an ex, rather than being bitched about.

If he really loved her he would have kept his feelings to himself or at most shared some of his feelings with her privately. Making a public spectacle of their love is ridiculous. Also reading his love note made me feel as if I had just consumed several spoonfuls of refined sugar.

by Propagandhi711 Tue Apr 09, 2013 12:12 pm

Marathadi-Saamiyaar wrote:
Kris wrote:WTF? Is he trying to get into her pants again?

Bingo...

he is now 47 and she is 36.... he can have the best of her leaving out the worst of her, have all the fun without all the headaches...

An elegy to my ex- sweetheart Captain+vijayakanth++%28228%29

by Marathadi-Saamiyaar Tue Apr 09, 2013 12:17 pm

Propagandhi711 wrote:
Marathadi-Saamiyaar wrote:
Kris wrote:WTF? Is he trying to get into her pants again?

Bingo...

he is now 47 and she is 36.... he can have the best of her leaving out the worst of her, have all the fun without all the headaches...

I think I should use this as my Icon.

by Nila Tue Apr 09, 2013 1:27 pm

Haha the love of his life left him alone and made him whine publically. I would like to know the story why she broke up. His wife betrayed him and his love betrayed him...some ppl can be fooled easily. When you put your happiness in someone's hands...(I am lost here...may be will finish this with a bottle of wine over the weekend. My philosophical nerve is itching Razz

)

by Propagandhi711 Tue Apr 09, 2013 2:03 pm

Ekadasi wrote:Haha the love of his life left him alone and made him whine publically. I would like to know the story why she broke up. His wife betrayed him and his love betrayed him...some ppl can be fooled easily. When you put your happiness in someone's hands...(I am lost here...may be will finish this with a bottle of wine over the weekend. My philosophical nerve is itching )

by the clarity of thought and high IQ displayed in the above post, I deduce this handle to be none other than sasthi. am I right or am I right?

by garam_kuta Tue Apr 09, 2013 2:17 pm

Propagandhi711 wrote:
Ekadasi wrote:Haha the love of his life left him alone and made him whine publically. I would like to know the story why she broke up. His wife betrayed him and his love betrayed him...some ppl can be fooled easily. When you put your happiness in someone's hands...(I am lost here...may be will finish this with a bottle of wine over the weekend. My philosophical nerve is itching )

by the clarity of thought and high IQ displayed in the above post, I deduce this handle to be none other than sasthi. am I right or am I right?

gee..i wish i could say the same thing for this post of yours Shocked

by Guest Tue Apr 09, 2013 2:18 pm

garam_kuta wrote:
Propagandhi711 wrote:
Ekadasi wrote:Haha the love of his life left him alone and made him whine publically. I would like to know the story why she broke up. His wife betrayed him and his love betrayed him...some ppl can be fooled easily. When you put your happiness in someone's hands...(I am lost here...may be will finish this with a bottle of wine over the weekend. My philosophical nerve is itching )

by the clarity of thought and high IQ displayed in the above post, I deduce this handle to be none other than sasthi. am I right or am I right?

gee..i wish i could say the same thing for this post of yours

LOL

by Propagandhi711 Tue Apr 09, 2013 2:31 pm

garam_kuta wrote:
Propagandhi711 wrote:
Ekadasi wrote:Haha the love of his life left him alone and made him whine publically. I would like to know the story why she broke up. His wife betrayed him and his love betrayed him...some ppl can be fooled easily. When you put your happiness in someone's hands...(I am lost here...may be will finish this with a bottle of wine over the weekend. My philosophical nerve is itching )

by the clarity of thought and high IQ displayed in the above post, I deduce this handle to be none other than sasthi. am I right or am I right?

gee..i wish i could say the same thing for this post of yours

ball massaaager, your post made exactly as much sense as the last 100 you made

by Nila Tue Apr 09, 2013 2:41 pm

Propagandhi711 wrote:
Ekadasi wrote:Haha the love of his life left him alone and made him whine publically. I would like to know the story why she broke up. His wife betrayed him and his love betrayed him...some ppl can be fooled easily. When you put your happiness in someone's hands...(I am lost here...may be will finish this with a bottle of wine over the weekend. My philosophical nerve is itching )

by the clarity of thought and high IQ displayed in the above post, I deduce this handle to be none other than sasthi. am I right or am I right?

When too much of stinky constipated gas exists on your gas head the clarity of rightness gets delayed.

by Idéfix Tue Apr 09, 2013 2:44 pm

Never mind - wrong thread.

by garam_kuta Tue Apr 09, 2013 2:44 pm

Propagandhi711 wrote:
garam_kuta wrote:
Propagandhi711 wrote:
Ekadasi wrote:Haha the love of his life left him alone and made him whine publically. I would like to know the story why she broke up. His wife betrayed him and his love betrayed him...some ppl can be fooled easily. When you put your happiness in someone's hands...(I am lost here...may be will finish this with a bottle of wine over the weekend. My philosophical nerve is itching )

by the clarity of thought and high IQ displayed in the above post, I deduce this handle to be none other than sasthi. am I right or am I right?

gee..i wish i could say the same thing for this post of yours

ball massaaager, your post made exactly as much sense as the last 100 you made

there you go ! now I can say this surely is yours An elegy to my ex- sweetheart 459784477

by Guest Tue Apr 09, 2013 2:58 pm

Propagandhi711 wrote:
garam_kuta wrote:
Propagandhi711 wrote:
Ekadasi wrote:Haha the love of his life left him alone and made him whine publically. I would like to know the story why she broke up. His wife betrayed him and his love betrayed him...some ppl can be fooled easily. When you put your happiness in someone's hands...(I am lost here...may be will finish this with a bottle of wine over the weekend. My philosophical nerve is itching )

by the clarity of thought and high IQ displayed in the above post, I deduce this handle to be none other than sasthi. am I right or am I right?

gee..i wish i could say the same thing for this post of yours

ball massaaager, your post made exactly as much sense as the last 100 you made

Propa is it impossible for you to converse without being crass?

by MaxEntropy_Man Tue Apr 09, 2013 3:14 pm

i heard the bride started reading this and fell into a lethal coma.

by Maria S Tue Apr 09, 2013 3:41 pm

Tonic Gin wrote:I think the only thing he did wrong was posted this article on her wedding day (and then made one totally unrelated sexist comment on NYC women for which he got flak), apart from that all that he wrote was sincere. I think he was introspective, honest, and truly grateful for having her in his life. Very few people have the guts to do that. I think parson should feel honored that she was valued by an ex, rather than being bitched about.

I see this quite differently. If it is not fictional.. the process of writing this tribute has to be enormously therapeutic-cathartic to the author..and help him to go on with life..*I dislike the term "closure"..think there is no such thing.

While this kind of letter written privately to an ex is not unusual at all..a public display does take away something from it.

Having said that..since it is a loving letter of gratitude..nothing wrong with it, will cut him some slack for it:)

by Guest Tue Apr 09, 2013 3:58 pm

So tonic gin is not the original author of that column. Phew.

TG. Who you?

by Idéfix Tue Apr 09, 2013 4:22 pm

Yeah, we don't have a lot of Cohens on this forum. For that matter, we don't have a lot of award-winning columnists either.

by Impedimenta Tue Apr 09, 2013 4:36 pm

Idéfix wrote:Yeah, we don't have a lot of Cohens on this forum. For that matter, we don't have a lot of award-winning columnists either.

sir, that representation will complete the nut job population on this board

by Petrichor Tue Apr 09, 2013 5:03 pm

She has a right to privacy - privacy of rejecting him without it becoming a public spectacle. Right to privacy of her wedding day in the way she deems fit. Selfish 1500-word guy!

by Maria S Tue Apr 09, 2013 5:14 pm

Idéfix wrote:Yeah, we don't have a lot of Cohens on this forum. For that matter, we don't have a lot of award-winning columnists either.

Mr. Forum Creator,

Thanks a lot for really telling us - how you feel about us..who post here!

There is also something called "a nice fee" for award-winning columnists to 'share' their golden words..you tell me what the reward looks like, I'll negotiate a deal for them to come over:)

by Idéfix Tue Apr 09, 2013 5:17 pm

Maria S wrote:
Idéfix wrote:Yeah, we don't have a lot of Cohens on this forum. For that matter, we don't have a lot of award-winning columnists either.

Mr. Forum Creator,

Thanks a lot for really telling us - how you feel about us..who post here!

There is also something called "a nice fee" for award-winning columnists to 'share' their golden words..you tell me what the reward looks like, I'll negotiate a deal for them to come over:)

Hahaha, we are better off without 1,500 word essays here. Reminds me of the time when Sulekha used to give us points for posting, and then gave us money for points.

by Marathadi-Saamiyaar Tue Apr 09, 2013 7:47 pm

Idéfix wrote:
Maria S wrote:
Idéfix wrote:Yeah, we don't have a lot of Cohens on this forum. For that matter, we don't have a lot of award-winning columnists either.

Mr. Forum Creator,

Thanks a lot for really telling us - how you feel about us..who post here!

There is also something called "a nice fee" for award-winning columnists to 'share' their golden words..you tell me what the reward looks like, I'll negotiate a deal for them to come over:)
Hahaha, we are better off without 1,500 word essays here. Reminds me of the time when Sulekha used to give us points for posting, and then gave us money for points.

Actually I got Rs. 70K from Sulekha to buy anything on that online store. That was nice of him...

by Captain Bhankas Wed Apr 10, 2013 4:13 am

Rekz wrote:
Captain Bhankas wrote:man, you are close! 1,449 to be exact.
Pahh!! r u this vetti at work? uffo

ctrl A. ctrl C. windows-->run-->winword. ctrl V. check left hand bottom corner.

by garam_kuta Wed Apr 10, 2013 7:54 am

Captain Bhankas wrote:
Rekz wrote:
Captain Bhankas wrote:man, you are close! 1,449 to be exact.
Pahh!! r u this vetti at work? uffo

ctrl A. ctrl C. windows-->run-->winword. ctrl V. check left hand bottom corner.

with all those tons of potatoes, Ctrl is the key Smile

with left hand bottom-checking Razz

by Captain Bhankas Wed Apr 10, 2013 9:16 am

garam_kuta wrote:with all those tons of potatoes, Ctrl is the key with left hand bottom-checking

hahaha, ok, GK.

by Guest Wed Apr 10, 2013 11:04 am

Looks like the woman was too good for the man. Good that she dumped him and married another more eligible one who she probably looks up to. Women's mentality: they want to marry the man who is a notch above them or at least on par.

by Guest Wed Apr 10, 2013 11:20 am

I wonder what the ex wife is thinking right now.

by Guest Wed Apr 10, 2013 11:23 am

Vidya Bagchi wrote:I wonder what the ex wife is thinking right now.

"I'm glad I dumped him too."

by Tonic Gin Thu Apr 11, 2013 12:33 am

Maria S wrote:
Having said that..since it is a loving letter of gratitude..nothing wrong with it, will cut him some slack for it:)

totally agree..

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