F. U. Q - Indian Cricket

Frequently Unasked Questions (FUQ)

1. Sir we are a country in north Sudan, just heard about this crazy thing called kirket, where do we start?

Hold a bunch of guys (20+) who are interested to travel to India (show the promise of 3 times a day meal and 5+ star hotel rooms). Bring them all to India and we will see that in 3 years you will be a test team. If there are some thugs among you it is fine. We keep thugs in 6+ star hotels.

2. How in 2 years can one small country in north Sudan become a kirket nation? Our guys hardly have a bat or ball. We never saw even a glove or thigh pad.

Time does not matter. When you come to India we support you with "I", "See," "See" and they will "see" you through. It is so because we tell them "I" "SEE". When BCCI sees anything through, they will budge. Bats and balls are free in India for your guys. Plus we provide free spicy food that will keep you awake all night. (we also provide free diarrheal tablets. Just ask). BTW when we give thigh pads you can wear them right, left or both. We do not care.

3. In 2 years if we enter test arena can we win?

No. But we will be the very first nation to invite you to play with us (both in your country and ours). Then the world will recognize you as a test team.

4. How will that help?

Look, the moment we start playing first match, we make heroes out of you. We allow your guys to score 270 with any paul of edward to score a century. Even if he did not weild a willow in past 10 years, we will allow him to score. We have kvality bowlers who will help you in that! Fielding always pitches in to help.

5. One of our guys has been in UK Counties and scored a bit like 20+ and 30+ in the past but is out of form and has not scored more than 10 in last 10 matches even in India after traning. What about it?

Never mind. We will bring him back to form! We have kvality bowlers and excellent fielders who will help him score big. We will make sure he gets a 3 figure mark (and then he will automatically become a star in your own country!) and play 10 more years. Keep a list of gifts ready for your guys. Inexpensive gifts can be like "honorary citizen," "most distinguished player." etc. All they need is a flower holder made of glass/plastic which is available online with 800-FLOWERS or with any street vendor in your country. China supplies them cheaper by the way.

6. Was there any instance you made stars out of nobody?

One instance? LOL. We have dozens. We have people in the world cricket that acknowledged that they come back to form when they play with us. Just ask for one Younus Khan of Pakistan, Ashraful of Bangladesh and anybody in Zimbabwe. More references along with a photo copy of the acknowledged letter are available on request.

7. How can we make money out Kirket?

Send your 20 guys to India. And repeat the mantra called "Tendulkar." And do it daily 1008 times. You will have great future.

8. When we last played even a small country like Bangladesh, we lost and your team has so big names. How can we actually win?

We help you win! We have kvality bowlers. We control you on the field and *outside* the field. BCCI has enough "resources" for everything. Do not underestimate our cricketing "Pawar."

8a. But your batsmen have scored so many runs and we are a bit scared that you will score big.

Do not be a chicken! The test series is for helping YOU DO BETTER. Our batsman will dance to your chin music and score slow. Just arrange a series and see how we will turn it out to be successful for you.

9. If we lose the series what would your Kaptain say? Would he ridicule us?

Naw. India has the bestest hospitality and Guest'ality. You will of course lose the series if we play 3 test series. We will always win it 1-0 no matter how close we come to win the other two. We never take risk and rub salt with you. We are the nice guys. And we are the most modest guys. Our Kapitan will never ridicule you or do anything such. Rather he will praise you and lift you to the sky. He will also acknowledge how happy he is with 1-0 and tell you what a "great kvality" players you have and what a great country it is to tour and enjoy your beaches, palm trees and so on. If you want us to compliment something else (a la beers, belly dance), just mention it one hour before the awards ceremony.

10. Can we come and play in 20-20?

Yes, once you are invited to come to India, you can play street cricket in Mumbai, Test kirket with us, take part in Bowling academy in Chennai, see Marina beach, and then you are an automatic entry in the IPL version 5. There is no waiting. The longer your stay in India the better for you because it helps you avoid taxes. Just ask Greme Smith of SA.

11. Sir in the last world cup final we saw, your team was outstanding and won against a great team. How can we comete with you?

See the problem here. When we stage a cup like that, we have to win and we have to pull other countries up too, otherwise there is no future for Kirket. If we lose in league stage how will you get money? We have to go to final and win. For that win as explained about we ask other teams to cooperate. Other teams then have to make changes to their teams so we can win. The world cup is something we cannot let others win. We will let you come to the finals though.

If later the (finals losing) kapitan gives a lecture on how corrupt is his own cricket board, we will not be responsible. We deal with higher level stuff. You deal with your own feelings and lower stuff.

12. How about umpiring?

What about it? We can get you whoever you want as umpire. Immediately after you enter the test cricket area, we will automatically put two of your guys on "elite" panel of umpires. It is just fine if they give out one or two LBWs for a ball that is going 4 feet away from leg stump. It is all trial and error business. Never bother about those. We will also tell the umpires that if they make a mistake in first innings, they have time to make up in the second. No need to send them to any umpiring school or testing centers. They learn on job. Same thing like 12th grade exams in India. If they fail, they are still eligible to go for IIT within one month!

13. I still cannot beleive these things that we can actually be allowed to win.

You cannot? Then go to CricInfo web pages and search for Indian records of batting second. We have the bestest records of pulling a defeat or settle for a draw from the very jaws of victory *AND* never a vice versa. NEVER. What other proof do you want? History itself speaks for India.

14. Any precautions to take in the world of cricket and in India in general?

Only one for now. Never say a word against "God." For any reference on this, please google on Mike Dennis in UK or Greg Chappel in Australia. They tried to go against God. Rest is history.

If you have any more questions, please feel free to ask. We are all here to help. Once you start discussions and start playing, diplomacy comes to you automatically. All you have to do is, keep your eyes and ears open and mouth SHUT, not tight but VERY TIGHT.