rodney dangerfield jokes

by Propagandhi711 Thu Feb 27, 2014 9:47 am

[size=11.818181991577148]My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.[/size]
[size=11.818181991577148]It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass![/size]
[size=11.818181991577148]Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.[/size]
[size=11.818181991577148]A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home![/size]
[size=11.818181991577148]A hooker once told me she had a headache.[/size]
[size=11.818181991577148]I went to a massage parlor.. It was self-service. .[/size]
[size=11.818181991577148]If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.[/size]
[size=11.818181991577148]I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'[/size]
[size=11.818181991577148]I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.[/size]
[size=11.818181991577148]I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.[/size]
[size=11.818181991577148]My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.[/size]
[size=11.818181991577148]I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.[/size]
[size=11.818181991577148]The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'[/size]
[size=11.818181991577148]My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.[/size]
[size=11.818181991577148]I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the- Loom guys giggling.[/size]
[size=11.818181991577148]My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.[/size]
[size=11.818181991577148]My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.[/size]
[size=11.818181991577148]My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.[/size]

[size=11.818181991577148]It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.[/size]
[size=11.818181991577148]I was such an ugly kid! ...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.[/size]
[size=11.818181991577148]I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.[/size]
[size=11.818181991577148]I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.[/size]
[size=11.818181991577148]I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.[/size]
[size=11.818181991577148]When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."[/size]
[size=11.818181991577148]I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.[/size]
[size=11.818181991577148]I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.[/size]
[size=11.818181991577148]Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."[/size]
[size=11.818181991577148]My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.[/size]
[size=11.818181991577148]I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.[/size]
[size=11.818181991577148]I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said..."Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."[/size]
[size=11.818181991577148]I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.[/size]
[size=11.818181991577148]With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.[/size]
[size=11.818181991577148]Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.[/size]
[size=11.818181991577148]One year they wanted to make me a poster boy - for birth control.[/size]
[size=11.818181991577148]My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.[/size]