love or fear

by Guest Tue Aug 19, 2014 3:47 pm

When someone is in love, they change. For some the change is too obvious and sudden. For some, the change happens coz of love where they feel the need to change their habits; while for others, maybe it's just fear.

Bob was a friendly guy. Talked with everyone, joked, partied, was flirty/charming with women. Then he got together with Anne. Anne did not like his interactions with other women. She did not tell him so directly. Initially, when they had just begun dating, she would simply be extra vigilant. If he talked with someone, she wanted to know what it was about. Sometimes, she would strike a friendship with Bob's women friends, and ask them in different ways about Bob. She would crosscheck all of Bob's stories. If the stories didn't match, she would later confront him. Bob really liked Anne, and he was so scared of losing her that he told some of his friends to lie for him, to make sure they don't blabber anything to make Anne suspicious.

With time, Bob and Anne became a couple, and Bob convinced Anne to not talk to any of his friends about him, as he could not keep up with the old lies anymore. However, moving forward, he began making sure he doesn't give Anne a chance to be suspicious. So, he stopped talking to other people, especially women. And if he did talk to any woman, it would be within Anne's earshot, and he would make sure he talks to them only to insult them, nothing more. This made Anne happy.

Bob did it out of love for Anne. But was it really fear?

by dominic mistry Tue Aug 19, 2014 4:23 pm

stumped. i have no idea.

by smArtha Tue Aug 19, 2014 4:38 pm

Beatrix Kiddo wrote:When someone is in love, they change. For some the change is too obvious and sudden. For some, the change happens coz of love where they feel the need to change their habits; while for others, maybe it's just fear.

Bob did it out of love for Anne. But was it really fear?

Fear if it is driven by 'I cannot live without Anne and will do anything to keep her' and Love if it is driven by 'I don't want to hurt Anne and will adapt myself suitably'.

by Guest Tue Aug 19, 2014 4:57 pm

Love or fear, this isn't going to last long. This bob guy is trying to be what he's not and he can't be like that forever. Anne woman is very possessive, which has its roots in insecurity, which in turn has its roots in low self-esteem. She's can't be this control freak, trying to change the behavior of the other for long.
Prediction: Their relationship is going to have dents, cracks and is going to fall apart sooner or later if Anne doesn't change her attitude.
I do feel bad for bob who became a puppet in Anne's hands.

PS: I think i know who bob and anne are Razz

by seven Tue Aug 19, 2014 5:03 pm

I see no love here. Bob is an idiot n deserves Anne. Anne is a PITA.

by Guest Tue Aug 19, 2014 5:05 pm

seven wrote:I see no love here. Bob is an idiot n deserves Anne. Anne is a PITA.

Yeah, they both deserve each other. Serves Bob good. Anne indeed is a PITA.

by seven Tue Aug 19, 2014 5:11 pm

Kinnera wrote:
seven wrote:I see no love here. Bob is an idiot n deserves Anne. Anne is a PITA.
Yeah, they both deserve each other. Serves Bob good. Anne indeed is a PITA.

I don't understand what goes on behind the screens. I'm only talking about writer's description of bob n anne.
So if you're talking about the bob n Anne you think you know then...zZzZz lost the train of my thought.

by Guest Tue Aug 19, 2014 5:14 pm

smArtha wrote:
Beatrix Kiddo wrote:When someone is in love, they change. For some the change is too obvious and sudden. For some, the change happens coz of love where they feel the need to change their habits; while for others, maybe it's just fear.

Bob did it out of love for Anne. But was it really fear?

Fear if it is driven by 'I cannot live without Anne and will do anything to keep her' and Love if it is driven by 'I don't want to hurt Anne and will adapt myself suitably'.

hmm, interesting. I have seen this kind of change in a few desi women too, shunning old contacts to align herself to the new family/husband after marriage.

by Guest Tue Aug 19, 2014 5:15 pm

Kinnera wrote:Love or fear, this isn't going to last long. This bob guy is trying to be what he's not and he can't be like that forever. Anne woman is very possessive, which has its roots in insecurity, which in turn has its roots in low self-esteem. She's can't be this control freak, trying to change the behavior of the other for long.
Prediction: Their relationship is going to have dents, cracks and is going to fall apart sooner or later if Anne doesn't change her attitude.
I do feel bad for bob who became a puppet in Anne's hands.

PS: I think i know who bob and anne are

you never know...

(yeah i may have told you something like this on chats Smile

)

by Guest Tue Aug 19, 2014 5:16 pm

seven wrote:I see no love here. Bob is an idiot n deserves Anne. Anne is a PITA.

lol... a generic story. Seen it play out in different forms in different contexts.

by Guest Tue Aug 19, 2014 5:17 pm

seven wrote:
Kinnera wrote:
seven wrote:I see no love here. Bob is an idiot n deserves Anne. Anne is a PITA.
Yeah, they both deserve each other. Serves Bob good. Anne indeed is a PITA.

I don't understand what goes on behind the screens. I'm only talking about writer's description of bob n anne.
So if you're talking about the bob n Anne you think you know then...zZzZz lost the train of my thought.

no no... i was talking abt both of them from what i read in the original post. The i think i know bob and anne part was just a tease.

by seven Tue Aug 19, 2014 5:23 pm

by b_A Thu Aug 21, 2014 3:42 pm

Beatrix Kiddo wrote:When someone is in love, they change. For some the change is too obvious and sudden. For some, the change happens coz of love where they feel the need to change their habits; while for others, maybe it's just fear.

Bob was a friendly guy. Talked with everyone, joked, partied, was flirty/charming with women. Then he got together with Anne. Anne did not like his interactions with other women. She did not tell him so directly. Initially, when they had just begun dating, she would simply be extra vigilant. If he talked with someone, she wanted to know what it was about. Sometimes, she would strike a friendship with Bob's women friends, and ask them in different ways about Bob. She would crosscheck all of Bob's stories. If the stories didn't match, she would later confront him. Bob really liked Anne, and he was so scared of losing her that he told some of his friends to lie for him, to make sure they don't blabber anything to make Anne suspicious.

With time, Bob and Anne became a couple, and Bob convinced Anne to not talk to any of his friends about him, as he could not keep up with the old lies anymore. However, moving forward, he began making sure he doesn't give Anne a chance to be suspicious. So, he stopped talking to other people, especially women. And if he did talk to any woman, it would be within Anne's earshot, and he would make sure he talks to them only to insult them, nothing more. This made Anne happy.

Bob did it out of love for Anne. But was it really fear?

is this about b(ob)_A(nne) ?

by Guest Thu Aug 21, 2014 3:45 pm

b_A wrote:
Beatrix Kiddo wrote:When someone is in love, they change. For some the change is too obvious and sudden. For some, the change happens coz of love where they feel the need to change their habits; while for others, maybe it's just fear.

Bob was a friendly guy. Talked with everyone, joked, partied, was flirty/charming with women. Then he got together with Anne. Anne did not like his interactions with other women. She did not tell him so directly. Initially, when they had just begun dating, she would simply be extra vigilant. If he talked with someone, she wanted to know what it was about. Sometimes, she would strike a friendship with Bob's women friends, and ask them in different ways about Bob. She would crosscheck all of Bob's stories. If the stories didn't match, she would later confront him. Bob really liked Anne, and he was so scared of losing her that he told some of his friends to lie for him, to make sure they don't blabber anything to make Anne suspicious.

With time, Bob and Anne became a couple, and Bob convinced Anne to not talk to any of his friends about him, as he could not keep up with the old lies anymore. However, moving forward, he began making sure he doesn't give Anne a chance to be suspicious. So, he stopped talking to other people, especially women. And if he did talk to any woman, it would be within Anne's earshot, and he would make sure he talks to them only to insult them, nothing more. This made Anne happy.

Bob did it out of love for Anne. But was it really fear?

is this about b(ob)_A(nne) ?

you sometimes behave like that character aa, who found aa in every post.

by Marathadi-Saamiyaar Thu Aug 21, 2014 3:46 pm

Kinnera wrote:
seven wrote:
Kinnera wrote:
seven wrote:I see no love here. Bob is an idiot n deserves Anne. Anne is a PITA.
Yeah, they both deserve each other. Serves Bob good. Anne indeed is a PITA.

I don't understand what goes on behind the screens. I'm only talking about writer's description of bob n anne.
So if you're talking about the bob n Anne you think you know then...zZzZz lost the train of my thought.
no no... i was talking abt both of them from what i read in the original post. The i think i know bob and anne part was just a tease.

In the name of our holy friendship "reveal Bob and Anne NOW" or you will be struck forever.

by Kris Thu Aug 21, 2014 8:24 pm

Beatrix Kiddo wrote:
Bob was a friendly guy. Talked with everyone, joked, partied, was flirty/charming with women. Then he got together with Anne. Anne did not like his interactions with other women. She did not tell him so directly. Initially, when they had just begun dating, she would simply be extra vigilant. If he talked with someone, she wanted to know what it was about. Sometimes, she would strike a friendship with Bob's women friends, and ask them in different ways about Bob. She would crosscheck all of Bob's stories. If the stories didn't match, she would later confront him. Bob really liked Anne, and he was so scared of losing her that he told some of his friends to lie for him, to make sure they don't blabber anything to make Anne suspicious.

>>>Anne is creepy. My question would be why Bob wants to hang on to her. He needs to step back and question this in himself and decide if he wants to be controlled this much.

by b_A Thu Aug 21, 2014 9:12 pm

Beatrix Kiddo wrote:
b_A wrote:
Beatrix Kiddo wrote:When someone is in love, they change. For some the change is too obvious and sudden. For some, the change happens coz of love where they feel the need to change their habits; while for others, maybe it's just fear.

Bob was a friendly guy. Talked with everyone, joked, partied, was flirty/charming with women. Then he got together with Anne. Anne did not like his interactions with other women. She did not tell him so directly. Initially, when they had just begun dating, she would simply be extra vigilant. If he talked with someone, she wanted to know what it was about. Sometimes, she would strike a friendship with Bob's women friends, and ask them in different ways about Bob. She would crosscheck all of Bob's stories. If the stories didn't match, she would later confront him. Bob really liked Anne, and he was so scared of losing her that he told some of his friends to lie for him, to make sure they don't blabber anything to make Anne suspicious.

With time, Bob and Anne became a couple, and Bob convinced Anne to not talk to any of his friends about him, as he could not keep up with the old lies anymore. However, moving forward, he began making sure he doesn't give Anne a chance to be suspicious. So, he stopped talking to other people, especially women. And if he did talk to any woman, it would be within Anne's earshot, and he would make sure he talks to them only to insult them, nothing more. This made Anne happy.

Bob did it out of love for Anne. But was it really fear?

is this about b(ob)_A(nne) ?

you sometimes behave like that character aa, who found aa in every post.

Ever since it was brought to my attention that every youtube video/story that you post is a threat/message/dig at somebody, I am getting a little paranoid. I was told by a person who speaks your northindian language that one of the videos that you posted was a direct dig at me.

by Guest Thu Aug 21, 2014 10:07 pm

b_A wrote:
Ever since it was brought to my attention that every youtube video/story that you post is a threat/message/dig at somebody, I am getting a little paranoid. I was told by a person who speaks your northindian language that one of the videos that you posted was a direct dig at me.

lol, upps has spread that myth, but I didn't realize people actually believed it. I guess in sometime I will start believing the same! Looks like some people spend more time solving my cryptic clues than indo's! General sorry for the waste of all those brain cells and time.

by TruthSeeker Thu Aug 21, 2014 10:45 pm

WTF is all I can say.

To lie as a habit, in the same sentence as love?

Uff, indeed.

by Guest Fri Aug 22, 2014 12:41 pm

lots of Anne characters I have seen.

One Anne was my own xb. When I had just started college, he got insecure. Would ask me how much I talked with xh (or any other boy), then ask them the same. I would give a lower number while they gave a MUCH higher figure. Then fight-shight rona gaana. Lived in a lot more fear than love for about 8-9 months, then luckily he got engaged.

Another Anne I know, same thing. Her Bob had told her that he talks to this woman friend once in 2-3 weeks, while he talked almost daily. The other friend didn't know this. When Anne struck a friendship with her, she mentioned something about talking to Bob. Next day Bob called that friend and goes - next time when you talk to Anne, can you please clarify that we talk once in 2-3 weeks. After that, the friend would check with Bob and they began having synced up timeline about when they talked.

Yet another Anne I know would call her Bob in the middle of night on his landline to check on him, if he wasn't online.

I guess I myself have played a spy to XH. I didn't try to get info from others. Too much pride to do that. The sneakiest thing I did do once was to tell him that I talked to his friend and *I know*... XH confessed everything that I didn't know. Quite a low move on my part. But in a marriage, all is fair Smile

and that's a thing of past now.

by Marathadi-Saamiyaar Fri Aug 22, 2014 12:45 pm

Beatrix Kiddo wrote:lots of Anne characters I have seen.

One Anne was my own xb. When I had just started college, he got insecure. Would ask me how much I talked with xh (or any other boy), then ask them the same. I would give a lower number while they gave a MUCH higher figure. Then fight-shight rona gaana. Lived in a lot more fear than love for about 8-9 months, then luckily he got engaged.

Another Anne I know, same thing. Her Bob had told her that he talks to this woman friend once in 2-3 weeks, while he talked almost daily. The other friend didn't know this. When Anne struck a friendship with her, she mentioned something about talking to Bob. Next day Bob called that friend and goes - next time when you talk to Anne, can you please clarify that it's once in 2-3 weeks. After that, the friend would check with Bob and they began having synced up timeline about when they talked.

Yet another Anne I know would call her Bob in the middle of night on his landline to check on him, if he wasn't online.

I guess I myself have played a spy to XH. I didn't try to get info from others. Too much pride to do that. The sneakiest thing I did do once was to tell him that I talked to his friend and *I know*... XH confessed everything that I didn't know. Quite a low move on my part. But in a marriage, all is fair and that's a thing of past now.

Ie we tell you not to talk to otehr guys you accuse us of insecurity. If we tell you to go ahead and give women equal rights, you accuse us of ignoring and not caring enough.

The "Fear of Love" permeates every man and it is a nightmare.

by smArtha Fri Aug 22, 2014 3:27 pm

Beatrix Kiddo wrote:lots of Anne characters I have seen.

One Anne was my own xb. When I had just started college, he got insecure. Would ask me how much I talked with xh (or any other boy), then ask them the same. I would give a lower number while they gave a MUCH higher figure. Then fight-shight rona gaana. Lived in a lot more fear than love for about 8-9 months, then luckily he got engaged.

Did you realize that while you were focused on spotting Anne you missed out Bob hiding in the narrative above?

Beatrix KiddoI guess I myself have played a spy to XH. I didn't try to get info from others. Too much pride to do that. The sneakiest thing I did do once was to tell him that I talked to his friend and *I know*... XH confessed everything that I didn't know. Quite a low move on my part. But in a marriage, all is fair Smile

and that's a thing of past now.

Spying, Lying and Confessing all that is fair in a Marriage!

by Guest Fri Aug 22, 2014 3:58 pm

smArtha wrote:
Beatrix Kiddo wrote:lots of Anne characters I have seen.

One Anne was my own xb. When I had just started college, he got insecure. Would ask me how much I talked with xh (or any other boy), then ask them the same. I would give a lower number while they gave a MUCH higher figure. Then fight-shight rona gaana. Lived in a lot more fear than love for about 8-9 months, then luckily he got engaged.

Did you realize that while you were focused on spotting Anne you missed out Bob hiding in the narrative above?

Beatrix KiddoI guess I myself have played a spy to XH. I didn't try to get info from others. Too much pride to do that. The sneakiest thing I did do once was to tell him that I talked to his friend and *I know*... XH confessed everything that I didn't know. Quite a low move on my part. But in a marriage, all is fair and that's a thing of past now.

Spying, Lying and Confessing all that is fair in a Marriage!

deleted my earlier post. was too confusing upon rereading.

Didn't get your question...

You mean I was bob in my relationship with xb and xh was my bob?

by smArtha Fri Aug 22, 2014 4:27 pm

Beatrix Kiddo wrote:

You mean I was bob in my relationship with xb and xh was my bob?

I have no doubts about that. Do you?

by Maria S Fri Aug 22, 2014 4:30 pm

I think Bob is Bob..and he is going to do what he wants to do..no matter how much he can make it seem like "Bad Anne made me change"..
This is nothing new.. goes back to Adam and Eve.."Lord, the woman made me eat the apple" Smile

I don't think it's love or fear..good old "self-interests"..whatever makes one feel good, makes them feel it's less headache..not having to answer to questions/nagging.

In my view..men will do what they exactly want to do, when it comes to talking-interacting to anyone they want to - the *key is if they think- that person(s) is worth it..be it male friends, female friends, their mom, dad, siblings, relatives, colleagues, coworkers..lover(s) on the side etc. They will do it directly and not worry about an Anne, or be sneaky and do it ..even if it is quietly visiting their parents' home.
(I have heard this story too many times!)

Having said that..the expectations of others has to change too..once a person is involved with someone/married to someone..friends, esp from the opposite sex should be a little sensible, respect the change and change the way they interact with them..as much as one may love their friends from the opposite sex..don't have to be in "the face" of the gf/bf..spouse..when they are around..keep a little distance.

It works out better for everyone, imo.

by Guest Fri Aug 22, 2014 4:51 pm

smArtha wrote:
Beatrix Kiddo wrote:

You mean I was bob in my relationship with xb and xh was my bob?

I have no doubts about that. Do you?

i can see why you think that, i didn't provide enough details in my later examples.

the details of the op got lost somewhere. Anne 1) spied early on in their dating phase, 2) befriended other friends just to snoop, and 3) approved bob's changed behaviour towards others. and Bob 1) asked his friends to lie for him 2) shunned them and 3) insulted them infront of Anne.

so, in case of xb, yes, i lived in fear of confrontations. but no, I didn't lie or ask others to lie, and I definitely did not stop talking to anyone. All I did was fight and plead, and in the end walked out.

In case of xh, I am not even the anne from the original post. all I did was admitted to spying 10-11 years into our relationship. My reasons were valid (obviously hehe). Didn't befriend or manipulate or employ anyone for it. When confronting XH, it would be facts over a website vs his word. And the reason was not because he was with another woman. XH himself did lie to cover his tracks, but not for too long and did not change his behavior towards others to keep me happy.

by Guest Fri Aug 22, 2014 4:57 pm

Maria S wrote:I think Bob is Bob..and he is going to do what he wants to do..no matter how much he can make it seem like "Bad Anne made me change"..
This is nothing new.. goes back to Adam and Eve.."Lord, the woman made me eat the apple"

I don't think it's love or fear..good old "self-interests"..whatever makes one feel good, makes them feel it's less headache..not having to answer to questions/nagging.

In my view..men will do what they exactly want to do, when it comes to talking-interacting to anyone they want to - the *key is if they think- that person(s) is worth it..be it male friends, female friends, their mom, dad, siblings, relatives, colleagues, coworkers..lover(s) on the side etc. They will do it directly and not worry about an Anne, or be sneaky and do it ..even if it is quietly visiting their parents' home.
(I have heard this story too many times!)

Having said that..the expectations of others has to change too..once a person is involved with someone/married to someone..friends, esp from the opposite sex should be a little sensible, respect the change and change the way they interact with them..as much as one may love their friends from the opposite sex..don't have to be in "the face" of the gf/bf..spouse..when they are around..keep a little distance.

It works out better for everyone, imo.

good analysis on bob Smile

something I was hoping someone did based on the narrative.

Regarding others, yes people automatically back off when someone enters a relationship. However, in the op, Anne reached out and talked in initial phases. Why would anyone feel the need to lie if they don't even know bob was lying. Also, why go out of the way to insult others just to please your so. That's a changed behavior as far as others are concerned, whether it was coz of self interest or love or fear.

by Guest Fri Aug 22, 2014 7:59 pm

Maria S wrote:Having said that..the expectations of others has to change too..once a person is involved with someone/married to someone..friends, esp from the opposite sex should be a little sensible, respect the change and change the way they interact with them..as much as one may love their friends from the opposite sex..don't have to be in "the face" of the gf/bf..spouse..when they are around..keep a little distance.

It works out better for everyone, imo.

I had a argument with my mom over this. She narrated an incident where a married woman working at Wipro in India committed suicide because her husband couldn't tolerate her being close to and communicating constantly with her best male friend, her classmate in college who she knew for a long time. Mom came down heavily on the poor woman, saying that a woman should cut off all ties with her male friends once she's married (same applies to men too). My argument is why should they. Why should anyone lose their freedom, friends, who they like/love after marriage? Why? Why should anyone be so possessive? I was so mad at the husband who drove the poor woman to commit suicide.

by Kris Fri Aug 22, 2014 8:40 pm

Kinnera wrote:
Maria S wrote:Having said that..the expectations of others has to change too..once a person is involved with someone/married to someone..friends, esp from the opposite sex should be a little sensible, respect the change and change the way they interact with them..as much as one may love their friends from the opposite sex..don't have to be in "the face" of the gf/bf..spouse..when they are around..keep a little distance.

It works out better for everyone, imo.
I had a argument with my mom over this. She narrated an incident where a married woman working at Wipro in India committed suicide because her husband couldn't tolerate her being close to and communicating constantly with her best male friend, her classmate in college who she knew for a long time. Mom came down heavily on the poor woman, saying that a woman should cut off all ties with her male friends once she's married (same applies to men too). My argument is why should they. Why should anyone lose their freedom, friends, who they like/love after marriage? Why? Why should anyone be so possessive? I was so mad at the husband who drove the poor woman to commit suicide.

>>>>My first reaction was maybe because she committed suicide because she worked at Wipro. Be that as it may, your mother may be on to something here in general, if you leave aside the jealous spouse angle. If you pare it down, there is only so much bandwidth and this best friend business takes time. Three is usually a crowd. The wise Mriakka's point is well taken, if you also take into consideration not everyone is cool with this friends with the opposite gender part. It may be acculturation. I don't know. I will also reveal my bias here. Usually guys who are "best friends" with a girl are ones I don't feel comfortable with. Either they are playing her or ....well....

P.S. Keep those fights up with mom and tell her she has a child in California who sees her as being wise, unlike her argumentative, rebellious daughter....Just trying to hasten her arrival in our kitchen.... hahahaha

by Guest Fri Aug 22, 2014 8:56 pm

Kinnera wrote:
Maria S wrote:Having said that..the expectations of others has to change too..once a person is involved with someone/married to someone..friends, esp from the opposite sex should be a little sensible, respect the change and change the way they interact with them..as much as one may love their friends from the opposite sex..don't have to be in "the face" of the gf/bf..spouse..when they are around..keep a little distance.

It works out better for everyone, imo.
I had a argument with my mom over this. She narrated an incident where a married woman working at Wipro in India committed suicide because her husband couldn't tolerate her being close to and communicating constantly with her best male friend, her classmate in college who she knew for a long time. Mom came down heavily on the poor woman, saying that a woman should cut off all ties with her male friends once she's married (same applies to men too). My argument is why should they. Why should anyone lose their freedom, friends, who they like/love after marriage? Why? Why should anyone be so possessive? I was so mad at the husband who drove the poor woman to commit suicide.

so many questions in general on this. guess it all boils down to how the issues began and how attitudes were handled.

usually a good friend backs off. forget opposite genders, even with same gender bffs, one backs off a little bit and lets the spouse take precedence. at least women do that.

and when you are married, and in love, you automatically give priority to the new guy. dunno if that happened at all.

by Guest Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:36 am

Kris wrote:
Kinnera wrote:
Maria S wrote:Having said that..the expectations of others has to change too..once a person is involved with someone/married to someone..friends, esp from the opposite sex should be a little sensible, respect the change and change the way they interact with them..as much as one may love their friends from the opposite sex..don't have to be in "the face" of the gf/bf..spouse..when they are around..keep a little distance.

It works out better for everyone, imo.
I had a argument with my mom over this. She narrated an incident where a married woman working at Wipro in India committed suicide because her husband couldn't tolerate her being close to and communicating constantly with her best male friend, her classmate in college who she knew for a long time. Mom came down heavily on the poor woman, saying that a woman should cut off all ties with her male friends once she's married (same applies to men too). My argument is why should they. Why should anyone lose their freedom, friends, who they like/love after marriage? Why? Why should anyone be so possessive? I was so mad at the husband who drove the poor woman to commit suicide.

>>>>My first reaction was maybe because she committed suicide because she worked at Wipro. Be that as it may, your mother may be on to something here in general, if you leave aside the jealous spouse angle. If you pare it down, there is only so much bandwidth and this best friend business takes time. Three is usually a crowd. The wise Mriakka's point is well taken, if you also take into consideration not everyone is cool with this friends with the opposite gender part. It may be acculturation. I don't know. I will also reveal my bias here. Usually guys who are "best friends" with a girl are ones I don't feel comfortable with. Either they are playing her or ....well....

et tu, krissu? In an ideal world, men and women (non-spouses) can be good friends, and the spouses don't burn with jealousy, insecurity, and suspicion.

P.S. Keep those fights up with mom and tell her she has a child in California who sees her as being wise, unlike her argumentative, rebellious daughter....Just trying to hasten her arrival in our kitchen.... hahahaha

Ya, lucky woman she! She has a child in California and a Son-in-law in Atlanta who agree with her and see her as being wise. My arguments with her is almost a daily ritual now on a wide range of topics and each time when hubby is around, he'd be like, 'you are absolutely right, attamma. I totally agree with you'. It's two against one poor me and dad is the smiling Buddha in between. No, i am sure he doesn't do it for her food, but probably to convey to her that her wacko daughter did get the right husband .

PS: I wish I had been this argumentative and rebellious back then, when i was in my teens. I was this obedient daughter then. Now i know what all i missed in life: the first being an xb to talk about. And i can never forgive her for that

by confuzzled dude Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:45 am

Kinnera wrote:
Kris wrote:
Kinnera wrote:
Maria S wrote:Having said that..the expectations of others has to change too..once a person is involved with someone/married to someone..friends, esp from the opposite sex should be a little sensible, respect the change and change the way they interact with them..as much as one may love their friends from the opposite sex..don't have to be in "the face" of the gf/bf..spouse..when they are around..keep a little distance.

It works out better for everyone, imo.
I had a argument with my mom over this. She narrated an incident where a married woman working at Wipro in India committed suicide because her husband couldn't tolerate her being close to and communicating constantly with her best male friend, her classmate in college who she knew for a long time. Mom came down heavily on the poor woman, saying that a woman should cut off all ties with her male friends once she's married (same applies to men too). My argument is why should they. Why should anyone lose their freedom, friends, who they like/love after marriage? Why? Why should anyone be so possessive? I was so mad at the husband who drove the poor woman to commit suicide.

>>>>My first reaction was maybe because she committed suicide because she worked at Wipro. Be that as it may, your mother may be on to something here in general, if you leave aside the jealous spouse angle. If you pare it down, there is only so much bandwidth and this best friend business takes time. Three is usually a crowd. The wise Mriakka's point is well taken, if you also take into consideration not everyone is cool with this friends with the opposite gender part. It may be acculturation. I don't know. I will also reveal my bias here. Usually guys who are "best friends" with a girl are ones I don't feel comfortable with. Either they are playing her or ....well....

et tu, krissu? In an ideal world, men and women (non-spouses) can be good friends, and the spouses don't burn with jealousy, insecurity, and suspicion.

P.S. Keep those fights up with mom and tell her she has a child in California who sees her as being wise, unlike her argumentative, rebellious daughter....Just trying to hasten her arrival in our kitchen.... hahahaha

Ya, lucky woman she! She has a child in California and a Son-in-law in Atlanta who agree with her and see her as being wise. My arguments with her is almost a daily ritual now on a wide range of topics and each time when hubby is around, he'd be like, 'you are absolutely right, attamma. I totally agree with you'. It's two against one poor me and dad is the smiling Buddha in between. No, i am sure he doesn't do it for her food, but probably to convey to her that her wacko daughter did get the right husband .

PS: I wish I had been this argumentative and rebellious back then, when i was in my teens. I was this obedient daughter then. Now i know what all i missed in life: the first being an xb to talk about. And i can never forgive her for that

*ahem* this is the only opportunity that poor guy gets (to say no to you), he is taking full advantage of it. I'm sure his opinions will align with yours as soon as your mother is back in India.

by Kris Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:52 am

Kinnera wrote:
Kris wrote:
Kinnera wrote:
Maria S wrote:Having said that..the expectations of others has to change too..once a person is involved with someone/married to someone..friends, esp from the opposite sex should be a little sensible, respect the change and change the way they interact with them..as much as one may love their friends from the opposite sex..don't have to be in "the face" of the gf/bf..spouse..when they are around..keep a little distance.

It works out better for everyone, imo.
I had a argument with my mom over this. She narrated an incident where a married woman working at Wipro in India committed suicide because her husband couldn't tolerate her being close to and communicating constantly with her best male friend, her classmate in college who she knew for a long time. Mom came down heavily on the poor woman, saying that a woman should cut off all ties with her male friends once she's married (same applies to men too). My argument is why should they. Why should anyone lose their freedom, friends, who they like/love after marriage? Why? Why should anyone be so possessive? I was so mad at the husband who drove the poor woman to commit suicide.

>>>>My first reaction was maybe because she committed suicide because she worked at Wipro. Be that as it may, your mother may be on to something here in general, if you leave aside the jealous spouse angle. If you pare it down, there is only so much bandwidth and this best friend business takes time. Three is usually a crowd. The wise Mriakka's point is well taken, if you also take into consideration not everyone is cool with this friends with the opposite gender part. It may be acculturation. I don't know. I will also reveal my bias here. Usually guys who are "best friends" with a girl are ones I don't feel comfortable with. Either they are playing her or ....well....

et tu, krissu? In an ideal world, men and women (non-spouses) can be good friends, and the spouses don't burn with jealousy, insecurity, and suspicion.

P.S. Keep those fights up with mom and tell her she has a child in California who sees her as being wise, unlike her argumentative, rebellious daughter....Just trying to hasten her arrival in our kitchen.... hahahaha

Ya, lucky woman she! She has a child in California and a Son-in-law in Atlanta who agree with her and see her as being wise. My arguments with her is almost a daily ritual now on a wide range of topics and each time when hubby is around, he'd be like, 'you are absolutely right, attamma. I totally agree with you'. It's two against one poor me and dad is the smiling Buddha in between. No, i am sure he doesn't do it for her food, but probably to convey to her that her wacko daughter did get the right husband .

PS: I wish I had been this argumentative and rebellious back then, when i was in my teens. I was this obedient daughter then. Now i know what all i missed in life: the first being an xb to talk about. And i can never forgive her for that

>>> SUCH has corrupted you. Smile

No woman ever wanted me as her "best friend" kinn. I would assume this "best friend" declaration would be the kiss of death. Kinda like saying 'you are my brother" in the Indian context.

by Kris Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:57 am

confuzzled dude wrote:
Kinnera wrote:
Kris wrote:
Kinnera wrote:
Maria S wrote:Having said that..the expectations of others has to change too..once a person is involved with someone/married to someone..friends, esp from the opposite sex should be a little sensible, respect the change and change the way they interact with them..as much as one may love their friends from the opposite sex..don't have to be in "the face" of the gf/bf..spouse..when they are around..keep a little distance.

It works out better for everyone, imo.
I had a argument with my mom over this. She narrated an incident where a married woman working at Wipro in India committed suicide because her husband couldn't tolerate her being close to and communicating constantly with her best male friend, her classmate in college who she knew for a long time. Mom came down heavily on the poor woman, saying that a woman should cut off all ties with her male friends once she's married (same applies to men too). My argument is why should they. Why should anyone lose their freedom, friends, who they like/love after marriage? Why? Why should anyone be so possessive? I was so mad at the husband who drove the poor woman to commit suicide.

>>>>My first reaction was maybe because she committed suicide because she worked at Wipro. Be that as it may, your mother may be on to something here in general, if you leave aside the jealous spouse angle. If you pare it down, there is only so much bandwidth and this best friend business takes time. Three is usually a crowd. The wise Mriakka's point is well taken, if you also take into consideration not everyone is cool with this friends with the opposite gender part. It may be acculturation. I don't know. I will also reveal my bias here. Usually guys who are "best friends" with a girl are ones I don't feel comfortable with. Either they are playing her or ....well....

et tu, krissu? In an ideal world, men and women (non-spouses) can be good friends, and the spouses don't burn with jealousy, insecurity, and suspicion.

P.S. Keep those fights up with mom and tell her she has a child in California who sees her as being wise, unlike her argumentative, rebellious daughter....Just trying to hasten her arrival in our kitchen.... hahahaha

Ya, lucky woman she! She has a child in California and a Son-in-law in Atlanta who agree with her and see her as being wise. My arguments with her is almost a daily ritual now on a wide range of topics and each time when hubby is around, he'd be like, 'you are absolutely right, attamma. I totally agree with you'. It's two against one poor me and dad is the smiling Buddha in between. No, i am sure he doesn't do it for her food, but probably to convey to her that her wacko daughter did get the right husband .

PS: I wish I had been this argumentative and rebellious back then, when i was in my teens. I was this obedient daughter then. Now i know what all i missed in life: the first being an xb to talk about. And i can never forgive her for that
*ahem* this is the only opportunity that poor guy gets (to say no to you), he is taking full advantage of it. I'm sure his opinions will align with yours as soon as your mother is back in India.

>>>I understand the green card process in full swing. Mr. Kinnera is a shrewd strategist. Smile

by Guest Sat Aug 23, 2014 11:04 am

Kris wrote:
No woman ever wanted me as her "best friend" kinn. I would assume this "best friend" declaration would be the kiss of death. Kinda like saying 'you are my brother" in the Indian context.

That's the topic i had argued with her the other day. Her argument: A man and woman can never be friends and shouldn't be. She even brought up the puranas (MB, ramayana and stuff) and was like, 'have you ever seen such a thing in them and anywhere in our culture? That's not feasible and it's plain wrong. A woman should stick to other women and men with other men for friendship. Don't mix the two genders.' Grrr! aargh! sigh! etc!!

by Marathadi-Saamiyaar Sat Aug 23, 2014 11:06 am

Beatrix Kiddo wrote:
Maria S wrote:I think Bob is Bob..and he is going to do what he wants to do..no matter how much he can make it seem like "Bad Anne made me change"..
This is nothing new.. goes back to Adam and Eve.."Lord, the woman made me eat the apple"

I don't think it's love or fear..good old "self-interests"..whatever makes one feel good, makes them feel it's less headache..not having to answer to questions/nagging.

In my view..men will do what they exactly want to do, when it comes to talking-interacting to anyone they want to - the *key is if they think- that person(s) is worth it..be it male friends, female friends, their mom, dad, siblings, relatives, colleagues, coworkers..lover(s) on the side etc. They will do it directly and not worry about an Anne, or be sneaky and do it ..even if it is quietly visiting their parents' home.
(I have heard this story too many times!)

Having said that..the expectations of others has to change too..once a person is involved with someone/married to someone..friends, esp from the opposite sex should be a little sensible, respect the change and change the way they interact with them..as much as one may love their friends from the opposite sex..don't have to be in "the face" of the gf/bf..spouse..when they are around..keep a little distance.

It works out better for everyone, imo.

good analysis on bob something I was hoping someone did based on the narrative.

Regarding others, yes people automatically back off when someone enters a relationship. However, in the op, Anne reached out and talked in initial phases. Why would anyone feel the need to lie if they don't even know bob was lying. Also, why go out of the way to insult others just to please your so. That's a changed behavior as far as others are concerned, whether it was coz of self interest or love or fear.

What you say is true... especially, when a marriage/relationship is only a few years old, and the old friend is new to the spouse.

We have a bunch of (school) friends with one tomboy girl (woman)...the husband knew some of them and sort of made fun saying all her friends were "men" Of course, we made the husband a honorary classmate and practically became our friend. now there is absolutely no restrictions on her talking or going out with us.

Now enter my wife..she did not like her that much - although we have visited their house, etc...bcz this "friend" is still good looking at 5' 6" and 140 # and playing sports for 1 to 2 hours daily. Friend sensed it and said she would not call. Of course, throw in the in-laws in this equation. It has been a few years now, and the dust has settled and I stay with them when I go to their town - tell my wife as well. Of course, I dont interfere with her friendship with her school bunch mates (of course, the guys are so bad looking I have/had nothing to worry about... Razz

). But, we dont talk a whole lot about them except to inform about the gathering or visits, etc..

So, give it time for some confidence to build in a new relationship, and even old friends have to renew their old friendship with the "new" couple as though it is with a new friend.

by Kris Sat Aug 23, 2014 11:12 am

Kinnera wrote:
Kris wrote:
No woman ever wanted me as her "best friend" kinn. I would assume this "best friend" declaration would be the kiss of death. Kinda like saying 'you are my brother" in the Indian context.
That's the topic i had argued with her the other day. Her argument: A man and woman can never be friends and shouldn't be. She even brought up the puranas (MB, ramayana and stuff) and was like, 'have you ever seen such a thing in them and anywhere in our culture? That's not feasible and it's plain wrong. A woman should stick to other women and men with other men for friendship. Don't mix the two genders.' Grrr! aargh! sigh! etc!!

>>>>Kinnera, the obedient childhood has made you a babe in the woods. She is saying these guys who are "best friends" play for the other team. Can you imagine arjuna or karna going for "pedicures" with the girls? It doesn't work. It forecloses -ahem!- possibilities.

Smile

by Marathadi-Saamiyaar Sat Aug 23, 2014 11:23 am

Kinnera wrote:
Kris wrote:
No woman ever wanted me as her "best friend" kinn. I would assume this "best friend" declaration would be the kiss of death. Kinda like saying 'you are my brother" in the Indian context.
That's the topic i had argued with her the other day. Her argument: A man and woman can never be friends and shouldn't be. She even brought up the puranas (MB, ramayana and stuff) and was like, 'have you ever seen such a thing in them and anywhere in our culture? That's not feasible and it's plain wrong. A woman should stick to other women and men with other men for friendship. Don't mix the two genders.' Grrr! aargh! sigh! etc!!

tell her, women did not go to Gurukulams, and women did not go to work with men nor did men have to work under women. Also, she probably never worked all her life or studied or known other men to know if this thing works or not. Of course, she is right a man and a woman can never be as close friends as 2 women or 2 men, but she is wrong to say they have to be separate as if they are all under white robes and black robes.

by Kris Sat Aug 23, 2014 11:29 am

Marathadi-Saamiyaar wrote:
Kinnera wrote:
Kris wrote:
No woman ever wanted me as her "best friend" kinn. I would assume this "best friend" declaration would be the kiss of death. Kinda like saying 'you are my brother" in the Indian context.
That's the topic i had argued with her the other day. Her argument: A man and woman can never be friends and shouldn't be. She even brought up the puranas (MB, ramayana and stuff) and was like, 'have you ever seen such a thing in them and anywhere in our culture? That's not feasible and it's plain wrong. A woman should stick to other women and men with other men for friendship. Don't mix the two genders.' Grrr! aargh! sigh! etc!!

tell her, women did not go to Gurukulams, and women did not go to work with men nor did men have to work under women. Also, she probably never worked all her life or studied or known other men to know if this thing works or not. Of course, she is right a man and a woman can never be as close friends as 2 women or 2 men, but she is wrong to say they have to be separate as if they are all under white robes and black robes.

>>>>Avva knows a lot about male psychology. Kinn is just rebelling, although a bit late in the game

by Guest Sat Aug 23, 2014 11:40 am

Kinnera wrote:

PS: I wish I had been this argumentative and rebellious back then, when i was in my teens. I was this obedient daughter then. Now i know what all i missed in life: the first being an xb to talk about. And i can never forgive her for that

Kinns. Have no regrets. If you were to have an bf back then, seven locks would not have stopped you. I had friends who had all the liberties from their modern parents, but they didn't hook up, ever, atleast nothing serious. Likewise, if you want to have a bf now, nothing will stop you, except your mind itself.

Smile

by Marathadi-Saamiyaar Sat Aug 23, 2014 11:53 am

Beatrix Kiddo wrote:
Kinnera wrote:

PS: I wish I had been this argumentative and rebellious back then, when i was in my teens. I was this obedient daughter then. Now i know what all i missed in life: the first being an xb to talk about. And i can never forgive her for that

Kinns. Have no regrets. If you were to have an bf back then, seven locks would not have stopped you. I had friends who had all the liberties from their modern parents, but they didn't hook up, ever, atleast nothing serious. Likewise, if you want to have a bf now, nothing will stop you, except your mind itself.

Or a "gf".... Wink

by Sponsored content