jokes thread (english, hindi, tamil telugu etc.)

[Guest]

ek kanjoos ki shadi me baar baar pani pesh kiya ja raha tha.

ek sahab bhhok se tadap kar chillaye:

bhai biryani milegi kya?
pani gale me atak gya hai.

[Guest]

Somewhere in Punjab, a blind man enters a Sardar’s Bar by mistake
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a Sardar joke?”.
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the man next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Sir, I think it is just fair, giving that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a Sardar.
2. The bouncer is a Sardar.
3. I’m a Sardar with a black belt in karate.
4. The man next to me is Sardar and is a professional boxer.
5. The man to your right is a Sardar and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously. Mister do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares, “Nah. Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times”.

[Guest]

*eesh content*

mirza ghalib ne mashuka ka gira hua WHISPER dekha to arz kiya,

salwar ke niche se paani laal aata hai...
ghalib ka kehna hai,
kya bhosda bhi paan khata hai?

[Guest]

santa driving on the wrong side of the road. he becomes upset.
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and says,
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========shit======
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aaj phir late ho gya....saare log wapis jaa rahe hain.

[harharmahadev]

Boy - Main tumse shaadi nahin kar sakta....gharwale manaa kar rahe hain!
Girl (weeping) - kaun kaun hai ghar mein?
Boy - ek biwi aur do bachche!

[harharmahadev]

Girl - Agar tum mujhe kiss karoge toh mein zor se shor macha doongi!
Boy - Lekin yahan par door door tak koi nahin hai!
Girl - Mujhe pata hai. Lekin formality toh karni padegi!

[harharmahadev]

A patient wakes up in a hospital after a car accident. "Doctor, doctor..I can't feel my legs!! I can't feel my legs!!"

Doctor - "haha! Your legs are fine, silly. I had to chop off your hands."

[harharmahadev]

Patient - "doctor.....har raat ko mere sapne mein bandar football khelte hai!"
Doctor - "ye churna kha lo. Sab theek ho jayega!"
Patient - "kya mein kal se shuru kar sakta hoon? Aaj raat ko final hai!"

[Black Swan]

Finally something that is interesting, funny and doesn't involve a Sulekha reference.

[Guest]

my fav thread too minus hufeza kapasi
discussing old CH is super boring.

here's one more frm me,

Ek Gadha:- Yaar mera malik mujhe bahut maarta hai.

Doosra Gadha:- To tu bhag kyu nahi jata.

Pehla Gadha: Bhag to jata..par yahan future bada bright hai...
malik ki khoobsurat beti jab shararat karti hai
to malik kahta hai,
"Teri shadi gadhe se kar dunga...!"

Bas isi ummeed me baitha hoon........

Keeping Hopes may not
improve your future, but it
will certainly
reduce the pain of Today !!!

[Hellsangel]

एक् रिपोर्टॆर् ललू सॆ पूछा
तलाक् का सब्सॆ बडा कारन क्या है?
ललू बोला:
शादी

[harharmahadev]

Patient - doctor, mere tatte neele ho gaye hai!
Doctor - zeher phail chuka hai. Kaatna padega
Patient - kaat do

(after 2 weeks)
Patient - doctor, mera lund bhi nila ho gaya hai
Doctor - zeher phail chuka hai. Kaatna padega. Pipe laga doonga.
Patient - kaat do

(after 2 weeks)
Patient - doctor, pipe nila ho gaya hai!
Doctor- hmmm.....lagta hai tere langot se rang nikal raha hai!

[Guest]

एक् रिपोर्टॆर् ललू सॆ पूछा
तलाक् का सब्सॆ बडा कारन क्या है?
ललू बोला:
शादी

Lalu nahi bola, Govinda bola in Life Partner )

[harharmahadev]

Speaking of laalu, I remembered one...

Once Laloo, carrying a pot of yogurt, sprawled out on the 'Ladies only' seating in an ST bus.
A couple of females walked up to him and said, "Uttho yahan se! Hum mahilayein hain!!!"

Laloo - "toh kaa hua?? Hum dahi laye hain!"

[Hellsangel]

दो सर्दारो कॊ २ बम् मिलॆ:
पॆहला सर्दार्: चल् पुलिस् कॊ दॆ कॆ आतॆ है!
दूस्रा सर्दार्: अगर् कॊइ बम् रास्तॆ मॆ फ़ट् गया तॊ?
पॆहला सर्दार्: झूट् बॊल् देंगॆ कि एक् ही मिला था!

[Guest]

Santa dialed a phone number.
A computerized female voice says: “Aapke paas paryapt balance nahi hai”
Santa: “Bus janeman, tumse baat ho jati hai, itna hi kaafi hai”.

[harharmahadev]

Santa - Ek baar main pishaab karne gaya toh bathroom mein sher tha!
Banta - Phir kya hua?
Santa - Phir kya? Maine sher se kaha pehle tum kar lo...mera toh ho gaya!

[Guest]

ek aadmi galti se ladies ward me admit ho gya.

nurse - tumko sharam nahi aati?
aadmi - sharam kaisi? hum to paida hee ladies ward me hue the...

[Guest]

ek baar college ke sabhi professors ko ek plane me bithaya gya. fir air hostess ne announcement shuru kiya: YE PLANE AAPKE STUDENTS NE BANAYA HAI, KRIPYA APNI SEAT BELT BANDH LEN. UDAAN MEIN OXYGEN KI KAMI HONE PAR...

saare professors uttar gaye.
but principal baitha raha aur bola mujhe apne students par poora bharosa hai...
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ye plane start hi nahi hoga.

[Guest]

child prayed to shivji plz give me a cycle but he didn't get. next day he stole a statue of ganesha and wrote a letter to shivji: AGAR BACHE CHAIYE TO CYCLE LE KAR MANDIR AAJAO!

[Guest]

chaar ladkiya ped ke neeche chup chap baithi thee.

[Hellsangel]

chaar ladkiya ped ke neeche chup chap baithi thee.

chaar ladkiya ट्रेसि ped ke neeche chup chap baithi thee.

[Guest]

chaar ladkiya ped ke neeche chup chap baithi thee.

chaar ladkiya ट्रेसि ped ke neeche chup chap baithi thee.

haha, well if I am alone, and don't have a phone/laptop, I would most likely be sleeping or reading under a tree.

[Guest]

chaar ladkiya ped ke neeche chup chap baithi thee.

chaar ladkiya ट्रेसि ped ke neeche chup chap baithi thee.

ट्रेसी

write that a 100 times woman.

ट्रेसी
ट्रेसी
ट्रेसी
.
.
.

[Guest]

chaar ladkiya ped ke neeche chup chap baithi thee.

chaar ladkiya ट्रेसि ped ke neeche chup chap baithi thee.

ट्रेसी

write that a 100 times woman.

ट्रेसी
ट्रेसी
ट्रेसी
.
.
.

HA wrote that, not me.

[Hellsangel]

chaar ladkiya ped ke neeche chup chap baithi thee.

chaar ladkiya ट्रेसि ped ke neeche chup chap baithi thee.

ट्रेसी

write that a 100 times woman.

ट्रेसी
ट्रेसी
ट्रेसी
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.
.

TracEE or Tracy? Someone misses Mr. OCCD!

[Guest]

he he, i always subconsciously read her name as tracey. in line of whitney, whitney houston.

but, remember, i am watching you! i am watching your devanagari hindi, hebrew, urdu!

[Hellsangel]

he he, i always subconsciously read her name as tracey. in line of whitney, whitney houston.

but, remember, i am watching you! i am watching your devanagari hindi, hebrew, urdu!

You are welcome to watch my English too.

[garamkuta]

Barack Obama - The first black man that has ever had to convince the world he did do the killing.

disclaimer: this is not intended to be a racist, stereotyping etc.,

[Guest]

Ek cheeta cigarette ka sutta lagane hi wala tha ki achanak ek chooha wahan aaya aur bola:

"Mere bhai nasha chod do, aao mere sath bhago, dekho ye jungle kitna khoobsurat hai, aao mere sath duniya dekho"
Cheete ne ek lamha socha fir choohe ke sath daudne laga.
Aage ek haathi afeem pee raha tha, chooha fir bola,
"Haathi mere bhai chod do nasha, aao mere sath bhago, dekho ye jungle kitna khoobsurat hai, aao mere sath duniya dekho"
Hathi bhi sath daudne laga.
Aage sher whiskey peene ki taiyari kar raha tha, choohe ne use bhi wahi kaha.
Sher ne glass side par rakha aur choohe ko 5-6 thappad maare.
Hathi bola, "Arey ye to tumhe zindagi ki taraf le jaa raha hai, kyon maarte ho is bechare ko? "
Sher bola, "Ye kameena pichli baar bhi Bhang pee kar mujhe 3 ghante jungle mein ghumata raha"

[Hellsangel]

Ek cheeta cigarette ka sutta lagane hi wala tha ki achanak ek chooha wahan aaya aur bola:

"Mere bhai nasha chod do, aao mere sath bhago, dekho ye jungle kitna khoobsurat hai, aao mere sath duniya dekho"
Cheete ne ek lamha socha fir choohe ke sath daudne laga.
Aage ek haathi afeem pee raha tha, chooha fir bola,
"Haathi mere bhai chod do nasha, aao mere sath bhago, dekho ye jungle kitna khoobsurat hai, aao mere sath duniya dekho"
Hathi bhi sath daudne laga.
Aage sher whiskey peene ki taiyari kar raha tha, choohe ne use bhi wahi kaha.
Sher ne glass side par rakha aur choohe ko 5-6 thappad maare.
Hathi bola, "Arey ye to tumhe zindagi ki taraf le jaa raha hai, kyon maarte ho is bechare ko? "
Sher bola, "Ye kameena pichli baar bhi Bhang pee kar mujhe 3 ghante jungle mein ghumata raha"

That was funny.

[Guest]

Ek cheeta cigarette ka sutta lagane hi wala tha ki achanak ek chooha wahan aaya aur bola:

"Mere bhai nasha chod do, aao mere sath bhago, dekho ye jungle kitna khoobsurat hai, aao mere sath duniya dekho"
Cheete ne ek lamha socha fir choohe ke sath daudne laga.
Aage ek haathi afeem pee raha tha, chooha fir bola,
"Haathi mere bhai chod do nasha, aao mere sath bhago, dekho ye jungle kitna khoobsurat hai, aao mere sath duniya dekho"
Hathi bhi sath daudne laga.
Aage sher whiskey peene ki taiyari kar raha tha, choohe ne use bhi wahi kaha.
Sher ne glass side par rakha aur choohe ko 5-6 thappad maare.
Hathi bola, "Arey ye to tumhe zindagi ki taraf le jaa raha hai, kyon maarte ho is bechare ko? "
Sher bola, "Ye kameena pichli baar bhi Bhang pee kar mujhe 3 ghante jungle mein ghumata raha"

you do the best jokes here... reminds me of vagal...

[Guest]

oh great! glad u guys enjoyed them @ tracy and HA

here's one abt india pakistan ( inspired by SP's indo-pak fight story)

A Hen Lays Egg on the Ind-Pak Boundary. Both start fighting over the Egg. India and Pakistan say its theirs.
Finally India says, whoever kisses more women in other country within one minute wins the Egg. Pakistanis say ok.
Indians goes to pakistan kisses 1000 women within a minute and comes back. Pakistanis were excited and say "Its our turn".
Indians say








































"Keep the Egg"

[Guest]

Ek cheeta cigarette ka sutta lagane hi wala tha ki achanak ek chooha wahan aaya aur bola:

"Mere bhai nasha chod do, aao mere sath bhago, dekho ye jungle kitna khoobsurat hai, aao mere sath duniya dekho"
Cheete ne ek lamha socha fir choohe ke sath daudne laga....

Hahahahahaahahahahahaah.

[Another Brick]

rajinikanhtam special -
-------------------------------------

Rajinikant got 150 questions in exam paper asking - "Solve any 100 questions"

He solved all 150 and wrote, " Rascalla!, CHECK ANY 100!"

***


All scientists failed to answer this but rajnikanth did...
Ques: Which liquid turns solid on heating?
Rajinikantham : Dosa... mind it!!!

***

Rajinikantham once worked in a BPO. his clients started working in shifts.

[Guest]

rajnikant once wrote an angry letter to all his fans:

guys all these jokes about me are great. but which asshole is spreading the lie that rajnikant eats shit and shits rotis?

[Another Brick]

hahahahahaha

[Guest]

Last night in my dream I saw I died and reached heaven. At the door I saw Cro sitting with a very ugly girl and I remember wondering wats he doing with her!! anyway i walked further and I saw Another Brick with a fat and ugly girl and I smiled thinking jaise ko taisa, rab ne indeed bana di jodi, i went ahead to see wat, propagandhi sitting with cindy crawford!!! and i am like the H is she doing with him !!

I met God finally. I asked Him,

Me: Ye kya prabhu? all these men with...
God replied, " Sabko apne karmo ki saza to bhugatni hi padti hai"
Me: But propagandhi????
God: Woh Cindy Crawford ki saza hai

I woke up ing

[Guest]

[Guest]

[Another Brick]

Last night in my dream I saw I died and reached heaven. At the door I saw Cro sitting with a very ugly girl and I remember wondering wats he doing with her!! anyway i walked further and I saw Another Brick with a fat and ugly girl and I smiled thinking jaise ko taisa, rab ne indeed bana di jodi, i went ahead to see wat, propagandhi sitting with cindy crawford!!! and i am like the H is she doing with him !!

I met God finally. I asked Him,

Me: Ye kya prabhu? all these men with...
God replied, " Sabko apne karmo ki saza to bhugatni hi padti hai"
Me: But propagandhi????
God: Woh Cindy Crawford ki saza hai

I woke up ing

haha. whom did he pair you with? muthukumarr?

[Guest]

would that be a punishment for muthu or seven?

[Another Brick]

for both. made for each other.

[Guest]

ek macchar toofan me tha, raste me ek bada ped mila, usse lipat gaya, jab toofan chala gaya to macchar paseena ponchte hue bola: agar aaj mein nahi hota to ye ped gir hee jata.

[Guest]

yea well cool comebacks both of u 8-|
if cool means lame

Gal calls a boy

trrin trrin

Gal : hello baby..

Boy : ohh jaan bolo

Gal : kaha ho yaar subah se koi ata pata nahi

Boy : arre hum to khoye huye hain aapki aankhon me

Gal : abhi kya kar rhe ho?

Boy : tumhari pic dekh rha hu,kahi aur man hi nhi lag rha.

Gal : maine to tumhe koi pic di hi nhi

Boy : are mere dil me chapi hai barso se.

Gal : bt hum to parso hi mile hai pehli bar

Boy : tumhare bina ek pal bhi barso ke samaan hai pinky

Gal : pinky?ye pinky kaun hai main to nisha hu

Boy : lagta hai tumse baat karke sab bhul jata hu.

Gal-: Tum prashant ho na?

Boy : gharwale to ashish bolte hai,bt wo galat ho skte hai tum nhi

Gal : ye 9622000000 hai na.

Boy : Tha to nhi bt abse hai

[Guest]

lol, good one 7.

---------------------

result agar accha ho to
teacher - hoshiyar baccha hai.
maa -- bhagwan ki kripa hai.
papa - beta kiska hai
dost - chal daru pite hain

result agar bura ho to.
teacher - padhai mein dhyan hi nahi.
maa -- aag lage is mobile mein.
papa - laad pyaar ka nateeja hai.
dost - chal daru pite hain

birthday par,
maa -- jug jug jiyo mere laal
papa - hamesha aaage bade
dost - chal daru pite hain

pyaar mein fail hone par,
maa - beta bhul ja usko
papa - mard ban.
dost - chal daru pite hain

MORAL OF THE STORY - duniya badal jati hai par dost kabhi nahi badalte.

[Guest]

*eesh content*

upcoming oscar nominations for xxx films:

- utaar ke panty so gayi aunty
- pati fauz me to biwi mouz me
- ghar me sali to puri raat diwali
- andheri raat me diya tere haath me
- peticoat me visfot
- khoon khanjar kacchey ke andar

[Guest]

ek sardar galti se samundar me gir gya.

doobte doobte uske haath me machlii mili.

use pakad kar bahar pheka aur bola, "ja tu apni jaan bacha le meri fikr mat kar."

[Guest]

a very hairy dog bites banta but he offers him a biscuit.

santa: R u mad?

banta: ek baar pata chal jaye is behenchod ka mooh kidhar hai fir iski gand marunga.

[Guest]

teacher: accha bacchon, kaun bata sakta hai ki dushasan kaun tha?
a student: chutiya tha...
teacher: matlab??
strudent: sari khinchta hi reh gya...utha bhi to sakta tha...

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