closure

Indian girl, 24 here: wrote:I fell in love when I was 19, first relationship. We were happy together and had this plan to get married some years down the line, long story short, it didn’t work out. It took me almost 2 years to move on. I lost all my contacts with him. Then, last year I saw his FB post and came to know he got married 2 days back (that day was also my birthday).

This is what I went through for next 1 week:

– I tried to stay calm for few hours but I couldn’t, I cried full night

– Next 3 days were worse, apparently, it was the weekend as well, I didn’t go out at all. I cried and consoled myself full time

– I remember next Monday I locked myself inside office washroom, couldn’t find peace anywhere else, I just didn’t want to see anyone, this went on for few more days.

But then, when I was done shedding tears, suddenly all of it started feeling better. I always believed I had moved on but there was always a little hope that died after his marriage and it died for good.

I saw his pictures and realised how happy they were looking together, not that I was happy for them but somehow I felt I was never required/ belonged/ desired at that place… I could cry for rest of my life and break loose all the hells and yet he wouldn’t want to come back.

So my dear friend, let your love get married, this is where their part in your story ends. Trust me, losing the last string of hope sometimes works magically for you, this is when you go and find new hopes.

Kabir told me that Kamal’s wedding has been fixed for the end of December. This came as a surprise. He didn’t even wait to complete his graduation? It also looked strange that a guy who is to be married within a month was following me around everywhere in the village. Why was he doing that?

In a strange way I was glad that Kamal was getting married earlier. Now he would get busy with his own life and stop keeping track of my activities. Now that I was thinking about being with Kabir, seeing Kamal's attitude in the village that night got me a little concerned. If I were to start dating Kabir, it would be much better to have Kamal married first. With the way he was reacting to just rumors, who knew how he would react if I got a real boyfriend? With himself married, I thought, he would not be able to do anything to meddle in my life.

One evening that December, my mom and I were alone at home watching TV when the doorbell rang. My mom got up to get the door. I was sitting in our family room on a diwan bundled up in a blanket, but could see the living room. It was Kamal's parents. My mom smiled and greeted them and asked them to sit. They said they were in a hurry and kept standing. They had come to give us the invitation card. His dad saw me and asked me to come. Reluctantly I went. He blessed me with his hand on my head and hugged me. When they were exchanging pleasant [fake] notes, I could not bear it any more. His hand was still around my shoulder but I just walked out of the room and went upstairs.

My mom came up to give me the card. It was a huge card with many leaflets. They had invited us for everything. The mehendi, the sangeet, the cocktail party, the wedding and the reception. I stared at the cards for hours. It was a beautiful wedding card. Very rich paper. Very nice color and fonts. It felt very heavy in my hands. I read each name on it multiple times. I kept the card for 2-3 days and would read every word on it everyday. Then one day I cut out the Lord Ganesh picture on it and kept it in my drawer. Then I went to my terrace and burnt the rest of the card. I watched till the last of it was gone.

The annual functions were starting in our college. It was a first experience for me. Last December, the college had to be closed down due to the riots following the Babri masjid incidence. There were a lot of sports events and fun activities. There were treasure hunts. The whole college was in a festive mood. Kabir was one of the student organizers as the third year students organized everything. We got to spend more and more time together as the classes were relaxed a little. Sometimes, I would see him running around. He would see me and stop to ask a good clue for the treasure hunt. And then run away again.

The more I observed Kabir, the more I liked him. He was a part of everything. He worked effortlessly with his team. He had so much energy. He was so popular and universally liked. There were so many amazing qualities in him that I had earlier overlooked. Every day I discovered and appreciated something new about him. My friends Vijay and Aditya participated in most of the events. I used to go with them to watch and support them. But it was actually Kabir that I would go there for. I would watch Kabir all the time. It was impossible not to be impressed by him.

This was around the same time that Kamal got married. I heard all about it in bits and pieces. How much all the baratis danced. How a Sindhi marriage is performed. Bhakti was there for everything. She told me that when the wedding was going on, Kamal’s dad walked up to her and asked. ‘Bhakti, you tell me. Am I a villain?’ Bhakti was taken aback. Maybe he was drunk? She didn’t know what to say. But he didn’t wait for her answer and walked away. We wondered what might have happened to have his father say this to her.

Kabir also gave me his details of the wedding and the reception. He described all that he had seen. How the bride was looking. Everything. I was listening quietly. It now felt weird talking to Kabir about Kamal. Seeing my sad face, Kabir stopped talking further.

My dad’s office assistant was my gossip buddy. He had also become Kamal’s friend over the years. He gave me the final private details of the wedding. He was with them till the time Kamal went into his room with his new bride. He told me that Kamal had to pay 100 rupees to each of his friends (about 20 of them) before they let him go in the room. I cringed at the thought of Kamal having a wedding night or a golden night or whatever my newly married friends were calling them those days. Even though I used to meet Kamal mostly in his brother's room as that was more furnished, we had spent a lot of times in his room too. And he now had his wedding night there.

It felt very strange to hear about it. But not hearing was also not an option. My curiosity surpassed the rest of my feelings. I heard everything impersonally though. It didn’t feel like they were talking about my Kamal. He felt so distant now. It still hurt, but it didn’t sting like before. With every news, Kamal was going further away from my mind. For the first time in that year, I surprised myself. I didn’t cry even once over Kamal.

smArtha wrote:And what happened to the energy, popularity and the universally likable aspects of Kabir now? They vanished or you no longer find them 'attractive' enough to hold a relationship?

t w wrote:

smArtha wrote:And what happened to the energy, popularity and the universally likable aspects of Kabir now? They vanished or you no longer find them 'attractive' enough to hold a relationship?

those qualities are still there and i still like and respect him for that. he's still quite a charmer. my daughter and i never fail to marvel at how everyone loves him instantly, or loves him inspite of everything, including my parents! Many more people hate on me than him, so ya. Guess we need a universally lovable entity in our family lol. 

I don't regret marrying him one bit, but you have to be honest about certain things in life. Once you move on, you move on. I live with him practically, and there is a reasonable level of peace and comfort in our setup; i might as well throw in the word happiness in there but I don't want to jinx it. Am not gonna change this setup on my own, na-a.

smArtha wrote:

t w wrote:

smArtha wrote:And what happened to the energy, popularity and the universally likable aspects of Kabir now? They vanished or you no longer find them 'attractive' enough to hold a relationship?

those qualities are still there and i still like and respect him for that. he's still quite a charmer. my daughter and i never fail to marvel at how everyone loves him instantly, or loves him inspite of everything, including my parents! Many more people hate on me than him, so ya. Guess we need a universally lovable entity in our family lol. 

I don't regret marrying him one bit, but you have to be honest about certain things in life. Once you move on, you move on. I live with him practically, and there is a reasonable level of peace and comfort in our setup; i might as well throw in the word happiness in there but I don't want to jinx it. Am not gonna change this setup on my own, na-a.

If you are in a happy space now no worries. My question was more about why some characteristics that made you fall for him are no longer relevant or important enough? Was almost presuming that, as in most cases, may be the Man had put on an 'Angel' mask during courtship only to show his true self later on in the relationship. Doesn't seem to be the case here and that means it is you (what you value or care for) that had changed for better or worse.

t w wrote:

smArtha wrote:

t w wrote:

smArtha wrote:And what happened to the energy, popularity and the universally likable aspects of Kabir now? They vanished or you no longer find them 'attractive' enough to hold a relationship?

those qualities are still there and i still like and respect him for that. he's still quite a charmer. my daughter and i never fail to marvel at how everyone loves him instantly, or loves him inspite of everything, including my parents! Many more people hate on me than him, so ya. Guess we need a universally lovable entity in our family lol. 

I don't regret marrying him one bit, but you have to be honest about certain things in life. Once you move on, you move on. I live with him practically, and there is a reasonable level of peace and comfort in our setup; i might as well throw in the word happiness in there but I don't want to jinx it. Am not gonna change this setup on my own, na-a.

If you are in a happy space now no worries. My question was more about why some characteristics that made you fall for him are no longer relevant or important enough? Was almost presuming that, as in most cases, may be the Man had put on an 'Angel' mask during courtship only to show his true self later on in the relationship. Doesn't seem to be the case here and that means it is you (what you value or care for) that had changed for better or worse.

correct. my priorities are my kids. For that it's important that we keep harmony. that harmony risks to be disturbed the moment we assume the traditional roles of husband-wife or even lovers. ever tried to hold a hurricane? Sorta something like that. It's tough, but now that you have the key, you don't want to let go and flood everything all over again. Yeah I miss the intimate relationship aspect of us, and our social life also took a huge hit. But it's all worth it.

smArtha wrote:

t w wrote:

smArtha wrote:

t w wrote:

smArtha wrote:And what happened to the energy, popularity and the universally likable aspects of Kabir now? They vanished or you no longer find them 'attractive' enough to hold a relationship?

those qualities are still there and i still like and respect him for that. he's still quite a charmer. my daughter and i never fail to marvel at how everyone loves him instantly, or loves him inspite of everything, including my parents! Many more people hate on me than him, so ya. Guess we need a universally lovable entity in our family lol. 

I don't regret marrying him one bit, but you have to be honest about certain things in life. Once you move on, you move on. I live with him practically, and there is a reasonable level of peace and comfort in our setup; i might as well throw in the word happiness in there but I don't want to jinx it. Am not gonna change this setup on my own, na-a.

If you are in a happy space now no worries. My question was more about why some characteristics that made you fall for him are no longer relevant or important enough? Was almost presuming that, as in most cases, may be the Man had put on an 'Angel' mask during courtship only to show his true self later on in the relationship. Doesn't seem to be the case here and that means it is you (what you value or care for) that had changed for better or worse.

correct. my priorities are my kids. For that it's important that we keep harmony. that harmony risks to be disturbed the moment we assume the traditional roles of husband-wife or even lovers. ever tried to hold a hurricane? Sorta something like that. It's tough, but now that you have the key, you don't want to let go and flood everything all over again. Yeah I miss the intimate relationship aspect of us, and our social life also took a huge hit. But it's all worth it.

In other words, as lovers and couple, you haven't figured out how to restrict the 'fires of passion' from burning up aspects of married life not connected to intimacy. So you decided to play safe by turning the pilot flame off. :-D