Should A Daughter-In-Law take care of her Parents-in-law? An Honest Answer!

https://www.mycity4kids.com/parenting/ginger-thoughts/article/should-a-daughter-in-law-take-care-of-her-parents-in-law-an-honest-answer

Geeta was angry, and so was Abhishek. They sat with their laptops in their laps, working away furiously neither concentrating, nor giving up the work. Abhishek looked at Geeta once more. He wondered how she could be so cold, and selfish. He thought she was the warmest person he knew, but apparently he was wrong. They had a discussion that morning and her single word answer was enough to show how ruthless she was. Well, it wasn’t technically a discussion as it involved just a question from his side and a single answer from her. He was still unable to believe that she answered him so.

It had all started a few days ago. Geeta got a call from a stranger saying both her parents had met with an accident. They got away with some not-so-serious, but serious enough injuries. The doctor had told them that they would have to take rest for a month or so. Even after that, given their ages, the doctor said that they would have to be more cautious about their health. Geeta was the only daughter to her parents. The moment she came to know about the accident, she went on leave, indefinitely. She told her husband that he got to take care of their kid single-handed for a few days, for which he obliged willingly. She went over to her parents and took care of them. Day in and day out, she kept vigilant about their health. She cooked for them, she settled the house, took care of the maids, the laundry and everything. Her husband witnessed how much stress his wife took and how beautifully she took care of her parents. More than anything, he liked the way she treated her parents like small kids, her own small kids.

Slowly, Geeta convinced both her parents to move nearer to her home and though they were stubborn in the beginning, they acquiesced gradually. After everything got settled down, Geeta and Abhishek finally got back to their routine. They were having breakfast one day, and Abhishek asked her,

"I have a question, Geeta, if you don’t mind?”

“Your adding that ‘if you don’t mind’ tag makes me feel that I will mind. Anyway, shoot!”

“Will you take care of my parents, like you took care of yours? Will you stay with them, treat them like kids, cook for them and be with them? I know we have stayed separately from them, but I feel that you will take care of them if they were in distress. You will, right, Geeta?”

Geeta looked at Abhishek disbelievingly. Was he seriously asking that question? It took her nanoseconds to become furious. She simply said,

“No, I will not take care of your parents like I did mine!”

After that she left for office, not giving Abhishek the chance to talk anything further.And now, here she was, Abhishek thought, back from office, but not uttering a word about that selfish proclamation that she did earlier. He decided to discuss it with her seriously.

“Geeta, why did you answer that way in the morning? Did you really mean that you will not take care of my parents?”

“I will not take care of your parents like I did mine.”

Anger bubbled in Abhishek. Controlling himself, he said,

“Would you care to elaborate? You are showing chauvinism now! You talk so much about equality, now where are you showing equality between your parents and mine?”

Geeta looked at him for a few seconds without saying anything, then she said,

“Chauvinism? You dare talk about chauvinism? Wasn’t your question chauvinistic at all? What do you mean by taking care of your parents, cooking for them, etc etc and all that stuff? You want equality in this? I will give you equality. When my parents met with an accident, I stayed in the hospital with them, what did you do? Stayed back with our kid. I will do the same, I will take care of our kid, and you stay in the hospital with them. I went and cooked for my parents, while you took care of our kid. I will do the same, you cook for your parents and I will take care of our kid. I settled my parents’ house, I looked after them like they were little children, and I fulfilled my responsibility while you supported me by looking after our kid. I.will.do.the.same. You do all those chores and I will support you backend.

Since my parents’ accident, everyone has an expectation that I will do the same for my in-laws. No, I will not! For my parents’ their kid is doing for them, for your parents, their kid- that is you must do. Now, that is what equality is. So, no, I am not going to cook, clean or mop for your parents. You do that. And just because someone has a problem with a ‘guy’ doing all that stuff, don’t expect me to take on that role and further enforce inequality.

Remember this once and for all, Abhishek. A daughter in law is not entitled to take care of her in-laws in whatever circumstances, if the husband himself doesn’t do anything for his parents. You expect women to take beautiful care of your parents but you yourself will not take care of them. No, no, they are your parents, so you take care of them and I will only help you like you helped me for my parents. I hope I elaborated it well.”

Abhishek looked at her and he realized what his mistake was. He realized who was selfish, he wondered how he could ask her to take care of both sets of parents while he would do nothing of that sort. Maybe it was the deeply ingrained society and a few stupid statements by judges that demonize women for the sake of lazy men and that is what put those thoughts in him. Maybe. It was time for him to apologize.

Along the same line of thinking, when Geeta falls sick, her kids, and not the outsider - the husband, should take care of her. The husband can go to a bar and enjoy himself......

Seriously, when society is transforming (which is happening in India right now), these kind of issues are bound to happen. Old ways of sons & DILs taking care of the elderly are becoming outdated. Properties are not just passed down to sons. Hopefully, the transformation will be less traumatic, the elderly (parents of the girl or son) are not neglected and women (daughters, sisters, SILs, DILs, mothers, MILs and grandmothers) treated with respect and genuine affection by boys and men (who are the ones that should change significantly).

Speaking of women, it would be interesting to see how the military commanders treat the new defence minister - Nirmala Sitaraman (a SI woman)..........

When Indira was the defence minister, someone said that the most courageous man in India was a woman....... We'll see how Nirmala will do.....

May be Abhishek should get his old parents to his house and start cooking and caring for them at the same time when his wife is taking care and cooking for her old parents. That way she won't be able to complain because each of them will be looking after his / her parents alone.

given the circumstances that they are living away from parents and both having substantial jobs, i think her stand makes sense.

Family, Relatives, Friends, Community, Organization or Nation - There are folks that give their best to address a situation, there are others that do to the extent they 'evaluate' as their stake in that situation and the rest that escape/dodge the situation. 

The first kind are just looking at situation and their own abilities not if they have any stake or not and go about with whatever they can offer to address it. Needless to say the best to be associated with as well as emulate worthy.

The middle/madhyama kind are the ones that have elaborate arguments or rationale to justify why they do what they do or not. We should never depend on them when it comes to any critical issues of life. Other situations we can work with them as needed. The girl in the narration above seems to belong here.

The last is those who are lazy, disinterested or have no stake in anything beyond their own personal comfort. If possible we should avoid any serious partnership/engagement with these kind. The guy in the story seems to be here.

t w wrote:https://www.mycity4kids.com/parenting/ginger-thoughts/article/should-a-daughter-in-law-take-care-of-her-parents-in-law-an-honest-answer

Geeta was angry, and so was Abhishek. They sat with their laptops in their laps, working away furiously neither concentrating, nor giving up the work. Abhishek looked at Geeta once more. He wondered how she could be so cold, and selfish. He thought she was the warmest person he knew, but apparently he was wrong. They had a discussion that morning and her single word answer was enough to show how ruthless she was. Well, it wasn’t technically a discussion as it involved just a question from his side and a single answer from her. He was still unable to believe that she answered him so.

It had all started a few days ago. Geeta got a call from a stranger saying both her parents had met with an accident. They got away with some not-so-serious, but serious enough injuries. The doctor had told them that they would have to take rest for a month or so. Even after that, given their ages, the doctor said that they would have to be more cautious about their health. Geeta was the only daughter to her parents. The moment she came to know about the accident, she went on leave, indefinitely. She told her husband that he got to take care of their kid single-handed for a few days, for which he obliged willingly. She went over to her parents and took care of them. Day in and day out, she kept vigilant about their health. She cooked for them, she settled the house, took care of the maids, the laundry and everything. Her husband witnessed how much stress his wife took and how beautifully she took care of her parents. More than anything, he liked the way she treated her parents like small kids, her own small kids.

Slowly, Geeta convinced both her parents to move nearer to her home and though they were stubborn in the beginning, they acquiesced gradually. After everything got settled down, Geeta and Abhishek finally got back to their routine. They were having breakfast one day, and Abhishek asked her,

"I have a question, Geeta, if you don’t mind?”

“Your adding that ‘if you don’t mind’ tag makes me feel that I will mind. Anyway, shoot!”

“Will you take care of my parents, like you took care of yours? Will you stay with them, treat them like kids, cook for them and be with them? I know we have stayed separately from them, but I feel that you will take care of them if they were in distress. You will, right, Geeta?”

Geeta looked at Abhishek disbelievingly. Was he seriously asking that question? It took her nanoseconds to become furious. She simply said,

“No, I will not take care of your parents like I did mine!”

After that she left for office, not giving Abhishek the chance to talk anything further.And now, here she was, Abhishek thought, back from office, but not uttering a word about that selfish proclamation that she did earlier. He decided to discuss it with her seriously.

“Geeta, why did you answer that way in the morning? Did you really mean that you will not take care of my parents?”

“I will not take care of your parents like I did mine.”

Anger bubbled in Abhishek. Controlling himself, he said,

“Would you care to elaborate? You are showing chauvinism now! You talk so much about equality, now where are you showing equality between your parents and mine?”

Geeta looked at him for a few seconds without saying anything, then she said,

“Chauvinism? You dare talk about chauvinism? Wasn’t your question chauvinistic at all? What do you mean by taking care of your parents, cooking for them, etc etc and all that stuff? You want equality in this? I will give you equality. When my parents met with an accident, I stayed in the hospital with them, what did you do? Stayed back with our kid. I will do the same, I will take care of our kid, and you stay in the hospital with them. I went and cooked for my parents, while you took care of our kid. I will do the same, you cook for your parents and I will take care of our kid. I settled my parents’ house, I looked after them like they were little children, and I fulfilled my responsibility while you supported me by looking after our kid. I.will.do.the.same. You do all those chores and I will support you backend.

Since my parents’ accident, everyone has an expectation that I will do the same for my in-laws. No, I will not! For my parents’ their kid is doing for them, for your parents, their kid- that is you must do. Now, that is what equality is. So, no, I am not going to cook, clean or mop for your parents. You do that. And just because someone has a problem with a ‘guy’ doing all that stuff, don’t expect me to take on that role and further enforce inequality.

Remember this once and for all, Abhishek. A daughter in law is not entitled to take care of her in-laws in whatever circumstances, if the husband himself doesn’t do anything for his parents. You expect women to take beautiful care of your parents but you yourself will not take care of them. No, no, they are your parents, so you take care of them and I will only help you like you helped me for my parents. I hope I elaborated it well.”

Abhishek looked at her and he realized what his mistake was. He realized who was selfish, he wondered how he could ask her to take care of both sets of parents while he would do nothing of that sort. Maybe it was the deeply ingrained society and a few stupid statements by judges that demonize women for the sake of lazy men and that is what put those thoughts in him. Maybe. It was time for him to apologize.

+1 to what she said. And her "no" is a very honest answer because blood is thicker than water.