2018

(Wrote this last night but slept before posting. Hope the font isn’t messed up)

2018 was sorta strange year.

Highlights and thoughts:

In the first week itself took a family vacation to south india that felt really good. Soon after the desh trip, had a breakup, so that was quite a contrast. 

Work got quite busy, with always a sense of urgency, and sometimes despair. Not bad overall, will still call it a successful year, especially considering how 2019 is shaping up to be much harder. 

Lost two long term friends. Both just picked up and walked out of my life. The first one, I kinda brought it upon myself, but the second one was a shocking snap out of the blue. I was dumped with so much finality that none of my questions or appeals got answered, and I got no chance to salvage either one of it. As a result it made me so helpless and angry that it sent me into depression for a month after the second one, coz I was still recovering from the first one. Not kidding, it took me a month to reach out to anyone for anything. On the plus side, gained an old friend back. So ya, I guess I can say 2018 was the end of a significant era for me, even though it wasn’t exactly my choice. Closing on an old familiar chapter, and staring a new unknown one. 

The last quarter of the year was slightly better for me, starting late September when I went to India. Went for my dad’s barsi by hindu calendar date. Also got to attend an event that was organized in his memory on his first death anniversary. I was there for about a week. Met friends almost daily. Enjoyed great weather and food. My bff used to come over almost every other day and we used to walk and have breakfast together. I was so determined not to feel lonely, that I would make plans for everyday. I reached out to friends and they responded. Sometimes it’s that simple.  Met two or more friends almost daily. Can’t tell you how fulfilling it was for me. I had no other activity there, except to be with family, meet with friends, eat and drink, no shopping, no other responsibility. Heartbreaks and ruthless people be damned. Meeting with people whom you have known since last 20-40 years has a comfort level like no other. 

The pain of my dad eased a little bit as the year progressed. My mom came with me when I returned from India. The idea was that she will have a change. But I guess it was a bigger change for us. Soon I had a parent that was in front of me and needed my attention. She lived with me for about 3 weeks, and I loved every bit of it, although I wish she didn’t fall sick when she got here. Just to see her familiar figure around my house all the time made me so glad that it faded my dad’s pain a bit. Almost as if her sunshine covered the space that my dad’s memory haunted me in. 

I think my biggest heartstrings-puller last year was my older kid, coz she caught the traveling bug. She travelled a lot, long periods away from me at a time, but mostly under good care. But she travelled sometimes alone, sometimes staying in coed hostels, and sometimes went to not-so-safe places in small groups, doing not so safe things. For half the year I was in constant dil-dhadke mode. All craziness apart which was mostly in my own head, she had a great time, hopefully an enriching experience she will cherish forever. 

We got to take a short family trip to europe. If I ever get in a romantic relationship with someone, I am so going to Venice with him. 

Got to meet a lot of family here. Partly because mom was here, so met relatives I hadn’t met in a while; and partly because a lot of XH’s family came over, which was a refreshing change. Almost all of families I met had kids under the age of 10, and a few older ones who were still younger than my younger kid. God, I am so unused to little kids ordering me around, but I totally loved it.  

Another thing worth mentioning. Watched a LOT of movies this year in theaters, thanks to Moviepass. I guess I will always remember 2018 for movies. How every Thursday or Friday or for that matter any day of the week that I knew XH and son won’t be home either, I would go out to a movie alone before heading back home. Wouldn’t even buy popcorn most of the time. Cheap entertainment at its best. Best way to beat my loneliness. Not done that in months now, and for some reason, don’t feel the need for it anymore. Netflix is fulfilling that gap pretty well. 

Lastly but not least-ly, 2018 will also mark the year where I really learned to curtail my shopping impulses. 

In summary, there was a constant undertone of sadness and fear throughout the year for me. Not to mention losing close friends. Any other time I would have marked 2018 as an awful year. 

But there were moments that couldn’t be more perfect. The moments where I am at a hilltop under the sun with my friends, drinking chai, or arms stretched out to the sun posing for a group photograph; walking alone for a long stretch on the beach at sunrise, coffee in hand, clicking pics; sitting on the couch watching marathon movies or tv shows with mom; walking through the streets of another country taking in the scenery and roadside shows, and randomly finding like, the best food on earth; being completely engrossed in the Roman tours listening to the guides and visualizing the life of centuries ago, gladiator et al, (even though I was assured no one could have possibly looked clean and handsome like Russel Crowe, lol!) Or the moments where an acute sense of calmness goes through my body and I feel at peace; the happiness of watching a good broadway show; the moment when I am laughing so hard that I am wiping my tears constantly. Heck, an Uber driver once managed to make me laugh and feel glad about sitting in his van one evening … Guess having had major losses gives you a better perspective on how to count your blessings.

rasāsvāda wrote:(Wrote this last night but slept before posting. Hope the font isn’t messed up)

2018 was sorta strange year.

Highlights and thoughts:

In the first week itself took a family vacation to south india that felt really good. Soon after the desh trip, had a breakup, so that was quite a contrast. 

Work got quite busy, with always a sense of urgency, and sometimes despair. Not bad overall, will still call it a successful year, especially considering how 2019 is shaping up to be much harder. 

Lost two long term friends. Both just picked up and walked out of my life. The first one, I kinda brought it upon myself, but the second one was a shocking snap out of the blue. I was dumped with so much finality that none of my questions or appeals got answered, and I got no chance to salvage either one of it. As a result it made me so helpless and angry that it sent me into depression for a month after the second one, coz I was still recovering from the first one. Not kidding, it took me a month to reach out to anyone for anything. On the plus side, gained an old friend back. So ya, I guess I can say 2018 was the end of a significant era for me, even though it wasn’t exactly my choice. Closing on an old familiar chapter, and staring a new unknown one. 

The last quarter of the year was slightly better for me, starting late September when I went to India. Went for my dad’s barsi by hindu calendar date. Also got to attend an event that was organized in his memory on his first death anniversary. I was there for about a week. Met friends almost daily. Enjoyed great weather and food. My bff used to come over almost every other day and we used to walk and have breakfast together. I was so determined not to feel lonely, that I would make plans for everyday. I reached out to friends and they responded. Sometimes it’s that simple.  Met two or more friends almost daily. Can’t tell you how fulfilling it was for me. I had no other activity there, except to be with family, meet with friends, eat and drink, no shopping, no other responsibility. Heartbreaks and ruthless people be damned. Meeting with people whom you have known since last 20-40 years has a comfort level like no other. 

The pain of my dad eased a little bit as the year progressed. My mom came with me when I returned from India. The idea was that she will have a change. But I guess it was a bigger change for us. Soon I had a parent that was in front of me and needed my attention. She lived with me for about 3 weeks, and I loved every bit of it, although I wish she didn’t fall sick when she got here. Just to see her familiar figure around my house all the time made me so glad that it faded my dad’s pain a bit. Almost as if her sunshine covered the space that my dad’s memory haunted me in. 

I think my biggest heartstrings-puller last year was my older kid, coz she caught the traveling bug. She travelled a lot, long periods away from me at a time, but mostly under good care. But she travelled sometimes alone, sometimes staying in coed hostels, and sometimes went to not-so-safe places in small groups, doing not so safe things. For half the year I was in constant dil-dhadke mode. All craziness apart which was mostly in my own head, she had a great time, hopefully an enriching experience she will cherish forever. 

We got to take a short family trip to europe. If I ever get in a romantic relationship with someone, I am so going to Venice with him. 

Got to meet a lot of family here. Partly because mom was here, so met relatives I hadn’t met in a while; and partly because a lot of XH’s family came over, which was a refreshing change. Almost all of families I met had kids under the age of 10, and a few older ones who were still younger than my younger kid. God, I am so unused to little kids ordering me around, but I totally loved it.  

Another thing worth mentioning. Watched a LOT of movies this year in theaters, thanks to Moviepass. I guess I will always remember 2018 for movies. How every Thursday or Friday or for that matter any day of the week that I knew XH and son won’t be home either, I would go out to a movie alone before heading back home. Wouldn’t even buy popcorn most of the time. Cheap entertainment at its best. Best way to beat my loneliness. Not done that in months now, and for some reason, don’t feel the need for it anymore. Netflix is fulfilling that gap pretty well. 

Lastly but not least-ly, 2018 will also mark the year where I really learned to curtail my shopping impulses. 

In summary, there was a constant undertone of sadness and fear throughout the year for me. Not to mention losing close friends. Any other time I would have marked 2018 as an awful year. 

But there were moments that couldn’t be more perfect. The moments where I am at a hilltop under the sun with my friends, drinking chai, or arms stretched out to the sun posing for a group photograph; walking alone for a long stretch on the beach at sunrise, coffee in hand, clicking pics; sitting on the couch watching marathon movies or tv shows with mom; walking through the streets of another country taking in the scenery and roadside shows, and randomly finding like, the best food on earth; being completely engrossed in the Roman tours listening to the guides and visualizing the life of centuries ago, gladiator et al, (even though I was assured no one could have possibly looked clean and handsome like Russel Crowe, lol!) Or the moments where an acute sense of calmness goes through my body and I feel at peace; the happiness of watching a good broadway show; the moment when I am laughing so hard that I am wiping my tears constantly. Heck, an Uber driver once managed to make me laugh and feel glad about sitting in his van one evening … Guess having had major losses gives you a better perspective on how to count your blessings.

hey been a while-- india?
will read post later

no was very much here. was on a self promise of not posting until end of jan. sometimes i do stuff like that, make deals with higher powers, etc. and follow through with my end of the deal if certain things happen. A typical sacrificial hindu lol. 

how u been

rasāsvāda wrote:no was very much here. was on a self promise of not posting until end of jan. sometimes i do stuff like that, make deals with higher powers, etc. and follow through with my end of the deal if certain things happen. A typical sacrificial hindu lol. 

how u been

Nice to have you back posting -- this site was almost dead without people visiting and posting.

Nice to see you back and in a story-telling mood. Glad to hear your daughter is traveling. My second is in your neck of the woods now and there were  two trips to Europe between thanksgiving and xmas (which I was not aware I was paying for till later). I didn't know this was part of the college experience. On the other hand, you are only young once, 

Happy 2019.

Kris wrote:Nice to see you back and in a story-telling mood. Glad to hear your daughter is traveling. My second is in your neck of the woods now and there were  two trips to Europe between thanksgiving and xmas (which I was not aware I was paying for till later). I didn't know this was part of the college experience. On the other hand, you are only young once, 

Happy 2019.

thanks Kris, a happy 2019 to you too! 

where all did ur kid go? and yep, you are only young once, and why not explore the world while your parents are paying, lol. 

She first went with friends to a volunteer camp in south amrika, and then she did a sem in eu. While there, she travelled until she got a travel fatigue (canceled a couple of trips for which i was more than glad), and decided to thoroughly explore the place locally, which she totally loved, more so coz of the ease of public transport there. We had been there before, but she now discredits our "tourist" experience. 

i knew every little thing i was paying for coz my credit card would send me an instant text for any foreign charge, big or small. Travel within eu is fairly cheap, and mostly I would book stuff for her so that i could get reward points on orbitz/expedia. Only once when she was traveling alone that I accidentally booked her in a coed boarding instead of female only boarding like she asked, and one of the boarders turned out to be a decent desi man from mumbai. The only costly trip was to Africa coz there they lodged in a good hotel that arranged their taxi and stuff, for safety. 

Travels apart, she really loved the school itself (including the beautiful old building structure), and the teachers and the teaching style, which according to her was far better than here, and more chill. And she noted that an average eu student is far more knowledgable and aware of the world, including usa geography/politics/culture than an amrikan student. Maybe it flips when it comes to specialization, idk. She now knows why all laugh at americans lol, and she was made pretty embarrassed about Trump (so were we actually by our airbnb host). Her teacher helped her better understand where *I* am coming from as a 45-year-old desi with my inherent beliefs (including pakistan, etc). All in all, it was very interesting to hear her experiences.

His trips were to France and England first and the second trip to Tuscany. He has traveled pretty much all over Europe on previous family vacations but these particular trips were to see his gf who is doing a year abroad. Glad your daughter has taken to travel. Certainly broadened my horizons.

Kris wrote:His trips were to France and England first and the second trip to Tuscany. He has traveled pretty much all over Europe on previous  family vacations but these particular trips were to see his gf who is doing a year abroad. Glad your daughter has taken to travel. Certainly broadened my horizons.

oh that's so sweet  glad he doesn't have "brown" parents who only ask him to focus on "studies" 

Hahaha... comes easy when one of said brown parents himself focused on everything but studies:)
He is a pretty level headed kid overall, although he has been making some noises of maybe rooming with her when she gets back, since she is also going to be in NY. Trying to gently steer him away from this. The good news is he listens to me for the most part

Kris wrote:Hahaha... comes easy when one of said brown parents himself focused on everything but studies:)
He is a pretty level headed kid overall, although he has been making some noises of maybe rooming with her when she gets back, since she is also going to be in NY.  Trying to gently steer him away from this. The good news is he listens to me for the most part

yeah i guess rooming together while still in college is a bit too much. better do it when you both have jobs (nearby of course) and are in the process of settling down, with your own money. Else, if you have to go separate ways after school, then it's a lot of stuff to handle practically and emotionally.

I am hoping they get to know their future significant others really well before jumping in full force. The ability to prevail on them on these big issues is for the parents not fight them on the smaller issues. Our parents had it a lot easier..

Kris wrote:I am hoping they get to know their future significant  others really well before jumping in full force. The  ability to prevail on them on these big issues is for the parents not fight them on the smaller issues. Our parents had it a lot easier..

haha i agree, although not sure if my parents thought THEIR parents had it easy. i think all of us sibs gave them heartburn at one point or another, especially in matters of love, but I think i hurt him the most. He didn't approve of my first bf so he must have been happy when i left him, and he loved my husband but i left him too.