ball in a box

this has always made so much sense to me... i think about my dad every so often even now, i would say atleast once a day. the visual memory of his last days and upto his funeral still flashes, but it's much rarer that i go into huge pain about it. But sometimes, out of nowhere, like suddenly i would remember things he had said, and then realize he's not there anymore, and i go into a deep painful abyss right away; but it lasts shorter now.

the pain of my breakup(s) hits me as hard. most days i don't even think about it, or I think very practically, but sometimes i feel claustrophobic, like omg that part of my life is never coming back, like i am stuck in this vacuum forever, no one to hear me, no one to reach out to. like one day i was dreaming about a loving marriage and now? what am i now? what happened over the years? i was talking to a friend recently, and he was kind enough to suggest that maybe i suppress my romantic feelings now coz i have turned into a cynic, like i have bottled up my feelings; and that's when it hit me - i don't even have any feelings to suppress. not sure if it's my age or my experience, but i simply don't think romantically anymore. And when I do, I have to dig deep into my past, like time travel, to feel those feelings again, to rebuild them from memory; but right now, i am so empty of it, forget about expressing them to anyone. like whatever i had got exhausted over the people i expressed those emotions to, and you can express it to only a couple of people in a lifetime. Love is apparently not an eternal sourceless fountain.

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https://www.indy100.com/article/grief-viral-thread-lauren-herschel-ball-in-box-analogy-death-8792541

Everyone experiences grief in different ways and it is rarely linear, with painful emotions often returning at unexpected times.

The analogy suggests grief is like a box with a ball in it and a pain button on one side. 

In the early stages, the ball is big and will frequently hit the pain box – sometimes so much that it can feel like you can’t stop it.



But as time goes on, the ball gets smaller.

It doesn’t disappear completely and when it hits the pain button, it’s just as intense, but generally, it is easier to get through each day.

Grief and mental anguish cause more pain when one is doing little or nothing. The best is to keep oneself busy and occupied with other things.

lol which is funny, coz i have been busier this year compared to last year, and i was busy enough last year.

anyhoos, this reminded me of one of my ex-friends who had become very preachy towards the end. like when i used to tell them that i get very lonely at times, they would say, find chores in the house, paint a room, remodel your kitchen, set up the stereo system, clean the closets and drawers inside out, redecorate your bedroom, downsize your wardrobe, etc, etc. coz the saintly them never ever run out of things to do, and never feel lonely. Anyway, one day they pinged me and asked if i wanted to hang out, and i replied, 'go find something to break and fix in your house instead'. yeah, i am kinda petty that way.

Why do you have so many exes in your life? Ex-bf, ex-h, ex-lover(s?), ex-friends, ex-whoever, etc? No, I’m not saying it to insult you. Just prompting you to introspect. Something is wrong somewhere.

no telugu handle name this time?

Paranoid delusions?

you bet... if i tell someone 2 years ago very clearly that i don't want to do anything with them, and then i steadfastly ignore them, if they still keep coming back to hate on me, or keep spreading lies about me, it's reason enough for me to self-introspect on why i have so many ex-friends and ex-whoevers... funnily enough, each time i get this level of hate, it's rarely directly about me, it's [almost] always coz of someone else. maybe you also need to self-introspect?

Huh? No idea what you’re saying. May you find your peace.

Classic although lame attempt at gaslighting above

It’s not even an attempt, forget lame attempt. Not everyone can do that. Only some people are experts at gaslighting. 
The classic example, as described by you in this forum, was that of gaslighting your ‘ex-friend’ into believing that she has some mental disorder. The poor thing was so distressed that she actually went to a psychiatrist for an evaluation, who gave her a perfectly clean chit. She came back and blasted you and you were still complaining. She isn’t the one who needed psych help.

Seeker wrote:It’s not even an attempt, forget lame attempt. Not everyone can do that. Only some people are experts at gaslighting. 
The classic example, as described by you in this forum, was that of gaslighting your ‘ex-friend’ into believing that she has some mental disorder. The poor thing was so distressed that she actually went to a psychiatrist for an evaluation, who gave her a perfectly clean chit. She came back and blasted you and you were still complaining. She isn’t the one who needed psych help.

sure it was... i am on a right track calling you out on your id, but instead or responding with ignorance or admittance or innocence, you use derogatory terms for me calling me paranoid and delusional, so that i start second-guessing myself.

Regarding my other ex-friend, I remember it now. I didn’t gaslight her, it’s funny of you to even think of that. Her pattern was known for years. Her own parents were asking her to keep a diary of her moods and see if it has anything to do with PMS. She used to leave highly depressed voice mails on my phone.  And she was asking me to help her with what’s wrong with her. So I was concerned and I told her to get checked out and better deal with it for the sake of the kid. So she went. Two months later she came back and said she’s fine. Then we talked more and she was snappy in the whole convo, calling me a bhaiya many times, she was always a racist, not even a closeted one. During these conversations i had also confided in her that i am now divorced, and she didnt' take this news very well, coz she was very open about not wanting me to marry XH coz he was a Marathi like her, and she didn't like that he was rejecting [many] known Marathi girls for me. Then she kicked me off her fb a couple of months later, after i posted birthday pics WITH XH.God knows what her story was... she commented on those pics, and later deleted them. I tried adding her back, she didn’t reply. Then she added me back but I blocked her from my personal pics coz I had a feeling she wanted to see our reunion and India trip pics. She promptly unfriended me again. End of story. As far as I’m concerned I don’t miss her one bit. She was always selfish and I was simply accommodating her for 25 years, forgiving her every time she came back and apologized. One less burden for me now. Friendship and all are good values to have when you are younger.  By your 40s you realize you are better off without some of them.

what boggles my mind is that you are interpreting me trying to help my friend as gaslighting. This is how you have always interpreted my stance about everything. Reason why i have always been frustrated with you, and asked you to leave when i did. You are just lucky that i controlled my anger all those years, just coz someone else asked me to go easy on you. But it's just irony what all disorders you assigned to him, simply makes me laugh.

Wait a minute....that woman was me? Whoa!! What a load  of horseshit!!! Crazy woman!! Fb? I was never you FB friend. You described in detail about your FB friendship and activities with that other friend. And i never went to a psychiatrist for an evaluation as you wrote that the other woman did. Now you are saying that this other woman is me. eh? All that you wrote above.....whoa!! Evil Liar!!
 Yes, it’s a fact that you gaslighted me too and I briefly thought that something was wrong with me. The power of gaslighting!! That’s why I could relate to the woman you wrote about coz you were trying to do the same to me. 

And you were trying to convince me how the other person is a narcissist and a possible psychopath. You shared online articles about them and quizzes, something like, ‘are you dealing with a narcissist?’ ‘Do you have a psychopath in your life?’ etc. Glad that that person dumped you now and is not responding to the sublime messages you are sending through your posts and songs here (you yourself told me that you do that)

PS: I always come and go in different handles. I don’t announce myself. It’s obvious to everyone that it’s me. All old timers here. 

PS: The ‘paranoid delusions?’ was a reference to some of your posts and an obvious reference to ‘power of imagination’ post. You immediately revealed more of you after that. lol! 

Yeah, i hate to wrestle with the pigs and keep myself off evil people. I had to interact with you now coz you said some ridiculous crap about me in my absence. I had to call out on you. You stay off me. I’ll stay off you. 

Ps: Karma is either a nasty bitch or a loving friend. Glad it’s doing what it’s supposed to do.

read my post again, i remembered that ex-friend now. so fine, i have ex-friends and ex-everyone. i am the common one in all my broken relationships. I am at fault always. makes you happy? so be happy. go and be happy with everything that you imagine happened to me. Keep making references out of my posts, coz u r not gonna get the real story from either party, ever.

I am done now. I’m off (hope I don’t get to do this again).

please stay off. you are much cuter when you post stories about walking into people jerking off and getting 100000 view on it.

sulu wrote:please stay off. you are much cuter when you post stories about walking into people jerking off and getting 100000 view on it.

eh? get your head checked. And stay off me, nasty bi*tch!!

Guest wrote:
And you were trying to convince me how the other person is a narcissist and a possible psychopath. You shared online articles about them and quizzes, something like, ‘are you dealing with a narcissist?’ ‘Do you have a psychopath in your life?’ etc. Glad that that person dumped you now and is not responding to the sublime messages you are sending through your posts and songs here (you yourself told me that you do that)

i know you are still lingering around.

So this is what you now claim happened? that *I* tried to convince you?  And then what happened? you believed me? Or you didn't believe me?

However, You made (and deleted) many posts about narcissism here last year. where did they come from? I prompted you to post those? But we haven't talked since summer of 2017!

However, if the above claim is true, then what about the fact below?

you made this anon post in December on quora (you made it as yourself, deleted it and posted it anonymously). As per that post, you "realized' it yourself that this person is an overt malignant narcissist. And as per that post, YOU were trying to convince ME, out of pure good intentions, that he's a narcissist and apparently you were telling me to read up on it and 'check for myself'. and as per the same post, *I* didn't believe you and smear campaigned against you (again, i never did); and so you left me to my karma, and as per you, i am now miserable (except that week i was having the time of my life).

Ya? i have the screenshot of that post, so don't try calling me an evil liar. That post prompted me to write my march post, which you are trying to call me out now on. 

so, which one is the truth, dear infj sweet angel? clarify it the next time you 'come back on your short break'. But i taunted him a lot about it later. Will be funny if he still talks to you. 

Eh? Delusional again? Yeah, you did convince me that he was a narcissist but the thing is, now I realize that you are the one who is an overt malignant narcissist. A big, bad, evil narcissist!!

And yes, I am an INFJ personality type; the soft, sweet, loving, caring and empathetic type who always want to help people. We are trust worthy and naively trust everyone and are very loyal friends too (that's why the fierce support and fight for you when Rashmun and b_a were exposing you). Unfortunately, we are easy pray to narcissists and taken advantage of. I don't think I can trust anyone again like I used to do before. The innocence is gone. I am sorry that I ignored the many warnings here that the well wishers here gave me to stay off you (you know who you are, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you! I should've listened to you). 

Anyway, do whatever you want to. I don't give a shit.

Lol. Keep calling me delusional. I can’t possibly convince you about someone being a narcissist when that someone has spent hours and days if not months listening to me selflessly and helping me out in my problems. Yours too in case you are forgetting.

And I’m a narcissist now? Sure. Everyone is everything. But you are the naive one who keeps flipping her stand everyday. One day he is a bigamist, and you spent two months trying to convince me that. Other day he’s a narcissist, and you been on this pill for over a year now. And now what? he is god again?

You are forever manipulating and lying. Can’t believe I used to believe every word you said and fight with him on your behalf. And you traumatized him so much that it took him a year to come out of that disgust.

Anyway. Everything is over. You go back to believing yourself as the sweet angel. I will hold back on what I really think of you coz like someone once said to me - go easy on her, she already lives a wretched life.

Seeker wrote:Eh? Delusional again? Yeah, you did convince me that he was a narcissist

So then what is this? Both cannot be the truth, or can they?

A beautiful post!! I can see how she worried for her friend, how she tried to help her and how she was heartbroken that her friend turned against her instead and finally gave up on her in despair.  If it’s written by me, you can see what a good friend I am and how much I cared about my friend albeit for a wrong friend. Anyone would want to have a friend like her. That is exactly how I felt. What a fool I was!! Little did I realize that who I was friends with was a narcissist herself who was manipulating me (and probably the other friend too who she convinced me was a narcissist and a possible psychopath).

God knows what all lies were told about me and funny that I am being accused of lying and manipulating? Lol!! What and how? Can someone sweet who would have wrote the above come across as a liar and manipulator? 

Am I living a wretched life? *Was*, when I didn’t know about narcissism. Now I read a lot about it and know enough to protect myself. Of all the things, there’s one thing I can thank you for. For introducing me to the term narcissism. All I knew before was that a narcissist was a self centered person. Now I know a lot about it to detect one. I also learned a lot about myself in the process and grew stronger.

still not willing to accept you wrote it? lol. coz you are uncomfortable now about those 3 dozen posts on narcissism?  ok i will let it slide there.

you will be stronger the day you are honest to yourself, and own up to your actions and words with sentences that don't begin with, 'i was a fool who got taken on a ride'. Unwanted advice from me, I know, but hope it helps. i am tired of seeing you going on the rides in your own head and disturbing others too when your head spins so much.

bitches barely be teenagers