it boggles

It boggles my mind how I lost you
But not as much as the fact 
how I don’t want you back

desi aunty wrote:It boggles my mind how I lost you
But not as much as the fact 
how I don’t want you back

true and quite poignant...everything depends not just on the context, but also our age

intriguing that with most, one is more charitable and forgiving; but with some, particularly betrayal, never....we tend to take it to the grave.

It's scary actually, your ability to move on. Has made me question myself many times. 


[deleted rest of my half baked thoughts]

i am petty sure i read GK's response when i was drifting off to sleep last night, unless i dreamt it... 

I will give it another attempt, simply because i have been struggling with this idea in my head for many days, and i want to churn it out, mostly because i have had this struggle many times over the years....  I wrote 3-4 drafts before posting the op above. It's hard because most of my thoughts are visual, and it's hard to express them in words; or graphics coz i am no illustrator. The struggle is more because i still want to keep it abstract, and not give specific incidences.

desi aunty wrote:i am petty sure i read GK's response when i was drifting off to sleep last night, unless i dreamt it... 

I will give it another attempt, simply because i have been struggling with this idea in my head for many days, and i want to churn it out, mostly because i have had this struggle many times over the years....  I wrote 3-4 drafts before posting the op above. It's hard because most of my thoughts are visual, and it's hard to express them in words; or graphics coz i am no illustrator. The struggle is more because i still want to keep it abstract, and not give specific incidences.

of course, you did

i deleted it because it sounded more demanding than requesting you to elaborate... nevertheless, you know i am all ears and will wait .. perhaps you could use speech to text apps .. helps a lot in minimizing distractions in correcting grammar typos etc., that interfere/disrupt with the thinking, and losing some key points/ideas and narrative, particularly in elaborating with examples

It’s just that you look at the same person, and don’t want them in your life again, atleast not in the same way as you did before. 

And this same person meant a lot, heights of lot, to you before. When you met them after failed relationships, especially after failed relationships, this one felt higher than before, anyone or anything before. Nothing could go wrong with this one, you often thought. I can never feel cold about this one. You know you both have had a checkered past, but you could never put either of you in that position that you had put others in. This is definitely different, this will never change. This is my forever. 
 
And then something goes wrong, eventually, over time. There is a lot of back and forth of hurt, patch up, more hurt. Especially in a case in which the final blow didn’t feel final at the time, and was zero fault of yours. You try to mend it, and you still believe that you could never fully alienate this person from your life. You still hold him in high esteem, deep respect. You hold it even more dearly, coz you are scared that if more time goes on, you will lose that respect, just like past times, and you don’t want it to happen again. You don't want to put this person in the same bracket as you did others. You could not even think about betraying him, coz it would mean betraying your own prior feelings. So you keep giving him the due importance in your life, you stay loyal to him, knowing with each passing month how fake it is getting. 

You give him a lot of chances and hope he will come around. But time passes and nothing improves. It eventually boils down to those few sentences that you keep repeating to yourself, that makes it impossible to see any future with them. You either suffocate, or you you move on. And you move on. You find a new life. You treat it with less respect initially, but it slowly creeps up over you and you start liking it. This is your new life now. It may not be what you saw for yourself many months or years ago, but you survived. It helped you breakthrough. 

And that part is also somewhat disturbing, almost like PTSD. There is part guilt of having moved on, as you are uneasy about that person (and other close ones) knowing how you no longer feel the same way, something you yourself once felt was impossible. You are now trying to reconcile your old self with your current self. This same person doesn’t seem that high in your vision. You feel like you are looking down at them from a mile above. This same person whose presence once enveloped you, now seems small and out of your warm circle. The very idea of looking up to him makes you cringe. What happened to you, how did you change? Are you betraying your own past feelings? Can you trust your own feelings to last forever? How can you put the same faith in anything new, knowing the past ones ended the way they did. 

It’s a hard process. You keep having past memories, and feel disturbed how it doesn’t feel the same way now. You keep second guessing yourself. Are you the one in the wrong. Are you the cold-hearted one who walked away. This feeling is even more when that person somehow finds the balls to come back, sees a stark difference in you, and confronts you for having moved on. One way to deal with it is to compartmentalize it into timelines, and accept each one as is. Respect your past as much as your presence. Neither one is wrong, neither one is higher. They don’t match, but they are both valid. Once you know you were as honest then as you are now, it gets a bit easier, but it still baffles you from time to time.  

Eventually though, after you have had a few intense relationships (intense atleast from your POV), the intensity ends for you. You don’t put yourself in a situation where you will do that somersault again. By now you are too old for that naive feeling of totality anyway. That one person can’t hold all the bets for you. You no longer have any qualms about using people for whatever they can give to you. You still respect them, and you are still fond of them; but you no longer hold them in the same light as you did previous people. Having them will make you happy, and losing them will not make you go through another catharsis. And your only hope is to not break another heart in the process. 

Not saying everyone goes through these feelings. One could be reading this and think - god knows what is she talking about it. Some people will tell me it's not my fault, and some would tell me it all is. Yet others will think i think too much, that i am a navel gazer. And i guess it's ok. I have learned that everyone reacts based on their own experiences, including myself. 

Some don't get love, some don't get heartbreaks, and some don't get to move on. I can say I done it all.

thanks. I shall return!