Small Town Blues

I have the small town blues. Any suggestions on what I can do to get out of this depression?

Like the popular saying goes, Try to change the town, or change the town.

Appreciate the advice. I cannot change everyone/everything in this town. I could change the town in theory but my husband will not move with me to a large city because his career is here.

DEJA VU!! I rotted in a small and cold town for 11 yrs! They were the worst part of my life. I hated the place, hated the cold, hated everything about it and was in blues for the most part. Yeah, husband wouldn't move because his 'career was there'.

Finally, he made the move with so much apprehension (his career seemed stale and he had no other options in the small town, so was forced to leave). Anyway, that is the best thing he did in his life. All my years of blues vanished into thin air the moment we moved here. I am as happy as can be and this place feels so much like home. Hubby and kids are happy too.

It's the same story with my cousin. She too was holed up in a small, cold town. Her husband couldn't handle her loneliness and depression. So he moved to a bigger and warmer place and there was a total change in her moods. Trust me, place makes all the difference.

Out of the whole of US, the small town you live in is not the only place your husband can make his career. In fact, he can have more opportunities in big cities. Tell him to look for a career in a better place. A depressed wife and mother will not make a happy family. Nothing is worth it. Make plans to get out of the place.

mainstreet wrote:Appreciate the advice. I cannot change everyone/everything in this town. I could change the town in theory but my husband will not move with me to a large city because his career is here.

you need to change the husband. that's what vidya meant. indirectly.

ok i'll help you. first thing you need to do is not take advice from people on this forum if you want out of depression. and you can check this out www.meetup.com

mainstreet wrote:Appreciate the advice. I cannot change everyone/everything in this town. I could change the town in theory but my husband will not move with me to a large city because his career is here.

Ooops...don't tell me he is another Doctor or a Propessor.

mainstreet wrote:Appreciate the advice. I cannot change everyone/everything in this town. I could change the town in theory but my husband will not move with me to a large city because his career is here.

I love small towns.... people are pleasant. You dont waste 3 hours a day driving down city Inter-state parking lots. Things are inexpensive. Desis are more friendly, united and helpful. I am thinking of moving to a smaller town as Kansas Cities are becoming too big for me.

You have no clue what you have got.

P.S. Best is of course to live in a small town but a 1 -2 hr drive from the dozen or so mega cities.

Marathadi-Saamiyaar wrote:

mainstreet wrote:Appreciate the advice. I cannot change everyone/everything in this town. I could change the town in theory but my husband will not move with me to a large city because his career is here.

I love small towns.... people are pleasant.

Yeah they are not like those paranoid big city folks who keep monitoring who in their neighborhood is on the child predator list. And if someone does wise up, there are always other small towns in Kansas one can move to.

Merlot Daruwala wrote:

Marathadi-Saamiyaar wrote:

mainstreet wrote:Appreciate the advice. I cannot change everyone/everything in this town. I could change the town in theory but my husband will not move with me to a large city because his career is here.

I love small towns.... people are pleasant.

Yeah they are not like those paranoid big city folks who keep monitoring who in their neighborhood is on the child predator list. And if someone does wise up, there are always other small towns in Kansas one can move to.

Is that Afghani "boy craze" is getting to you yet again ? Looks like you seem to be always dreaming about Mohammedan fantasies. That explains your freq shuttling between Bengaluru, Kandhahar, and US.

What is a cold town? A town in colderregions of usa or a town whose people are not friendly?
For people of indian origin, metropolitan areas are easier to adjust. Most metros have small towns around it. If travel time permits a 30 min drive, a small town with good school, decent real estate, and may be a small ethnic crowd. You can get city life any with an hours drive.
However not all jobs in usa are located in metros. Give your partner a chance to search for the right opportunity.

truthbetold wrote:What is a cold town? A town in colderregions of usa or a town whose people are not friendly?
For people of indian origin, metropolitan areas are easier to adjust. Most metros have small towns around it. If travel time permits a 30 min drive, a small town with good school, decent real estate, and may be a small ethnic crowd. You can get city life any with an hours drive.
However not all jobs in usa are located in metros. Give your partner a chance to search for the right opportunity.

By cold i meant the towns with subzero temperatures for the most part of the year. Apart from the small town blues, one would have to deal with the cold temperature and dark day blues too. The small town that i lived in was in Michigan and my cousin, who I mentioned above, lived in Utah.

Right now I live in the suburbs of a big city. Yeah, traffic is a problem at certain times on some roads. And that's ok. I prefer to live with this inconvenience rather than rotting in a small town in michigan.

seven wrote:

mainstreet wrote:Appreciate the advice. I cannot change everyone/everything in this town. I could change the town in theory but my husband will not move with me to a large city because his career is here.

you need to change the husband. that's what vidya meant. indirectly.

ok i'll help you. first thing you need to do is not take advice from people on this forum if you want out of depression. and you can check this out www.meetup.com

I actually heeded to the advice of the people on this forum (well, not exactly this one. It's Sulekha but the ppl are the same) who urged me to get out of the place and I am glad I did.

nenu wrote:

truthbetold wrote:What is a cold town? A town in colderregions of usa or a town whose people are not friendly?
For people of indian origin, metropolitan areas are easier to adjust. Most metros have small towns around it. If travel time permits a 30 min drive, a small town with good school, decent real estate, and may be a small ethnic crowd. You can get city life any with an hours drive.
However not all jobs in usa are located in metros. Give your partner a chance to search for the right opportunity.

By cold i meant the towns with subzero temperatures for the most part of the year. Apart from the small town blues, one would have to deal with the cold temperature and dark day blues too. The small town that i lived in was in Michigan and my cousin, who I mentioned above, lived in Utah.

Right now I live in the suburbs of a big city. Yeah, traffic is a problem at certain times on some roads. And that's ok. I prefer to live with this inconvenience rather than rotting in a small town in michigan.

utah is gorgeous with majestic mountains and opportunities for a lot of hiking, skiing, and outdoorsy stuff. it has five national parks. no state but california has that many. and salt lake city these days has a sizable indian community. it even has a hindu temple. unless your cousin lived outside salt lake, i can't imagine why she'd complain.

i can understand michigan being sub-optimal.

MaxEntropy_Man wrote:

nenu wrote:

truthbetold wrote:What is a cold town? A town in colderregions of usa or a town whose people are not friendly?
For people of indian origin, metropolitan areas are easier to adjust. Most metros have small towns around it. If travel time permits a 30 min drive, a small town with good school, decent real estate, and may be a small ethnic crowd. You can get city life any with an hours drive.
However not all jobs in usa are located in metros. Give your partner a chance to search for the right opportunity.

By cold i meant the towns with subzero temperatures for the most part of the year. Apart from the small town blues, one would have to deal with the cold temperature and dark day blues too. The small town that i lived in was in Michigan and my cousin, who I mentioned above, lived in Utah.

Right now I live in the suburbs of a big city. Yeah, traffic is a problem at certain times on some roads. And that's ok. I prefer to live with this inconvenience rather than rotting in a small town in michigan.

utah is gorgeous with majestic mountains and opportunities for a lot of hiking, skiing, and outdoorsy stuff. it has five national parks. no state but california has that many. and salt lake city these days has a sizable indian community. it even has a hindu temple. unless your cousin lived outside salt lake, i can't imagine why she'd complain.

i can understand michigan being sub-optimal.

I don't know which town she lived in. It was 10 yrs ago.

nenu wrote:

truthbetold wrote:What is a cold town? A town in colderregions of usa or a town whose people are not friendly?
For people of indian origin, metropolitan areas are easier to adjust. Most metros have small towns around it. If travel time permits a 30 min drive, a small town with good school, decent real estate, and may be a small ethnic crowd. You can get city life any with an hours drive.
However not all jobs in usa are located in metros. Give your partner a chance to search for the right opportunity.

By cold i meant the towns with subzero temperatures for the most part of the year. Apart from the small town blues, one would have to deal with the cold temperature and dark day blues too. The small town that i lived in was in Michigan and my cousin, who I mentioned above, lived in Utah.

Right now I live in the suburbs of a big city. Yeah, traffic is a problem at certain times on some roads. And that's ok. I prefer to live with this inconvenience rather than rotting in a small town in michigan.

What is wrong with Utah ? There are only a few cities in Utah and they are all with 1 to 1.5 hrs within each other. That location is simply FANTASTIC.

Agree your CURRENT location is good. But, so are plenty of others. Whining about weather is a sign of old age and major illnesses. if you are not sick-O-sick, you should find interesting things in even cold regions. Even in your area, all you do is go to temple, meet friends on weekends, then you can live in any city in US. In that case, all you do is look for great schools for kids, good job and a good environment. The rest are secondary.

Been to Colorado Springs? Man - that is one heck of a place. Have you been to Boise, ID, Springfield, MO. Harrisburg/Easton, PA, etc. If you are a hiker, skiier, camper, etc.. These are simply fantastic places with everything and no traffic but a little cold for 4 months.

BTW, ppl who live in colder weather are healthier and live longer.

I am happy we moved to edison from a nyc suburb. It was a posh, big, suburb, mind you, with nothing but affluence. But I still felt homesick there. It felt too dark and bleak sometimes, and many times I felt like i was holed in. Driving to anything desi was nothing less than 40 min.

The funny part is, I resisted leaving that place like crazy. But k was adamant, and I was soon glad that we moved. The access to the city was better too, funnily. My homesickness was over. I had thot I will hate over-desified Edison, but on the contrary, I loved it. I never felt homesick again.

Vidya Bagchi wrote:I am happy we moved to edison from a nyc suburb. It was a posh, big, suburb, mind you, with nothing but affluence. But I still felt homesick there. It felt too dark and bleak sometimes, and many times I felt like i was holed in. Driving to anything desi was nothing less than 40 min.

The funny part is, I resisted leaving that place like crazy. But k was adamant, and I was soon glad that we moved. The access to the city was better too, funnily. My homesickness was over. I had thot I will hate over-desified Edison, but on the contrary, I loved it. I never felt homesick again.

Rest my case.

I have appealed to him many times already to look for something in a large or even a small city. Unfortunately, urban America is over saturated with physicians. His income would be a quarter of what it is here in the middle of nowhere because of all the competition from other practices in the city. Here in a small town, he is the only physician of his specialty in a 100-mile radius which gives him a complete monopoly.

I don't care that the people in this town are pleasant. I feel like a bug under a microscope because everyone knows dear husband and me. I prefer the anonymity of a big city. There is not much traffic because there is nowhere to go and nothing to do. Traffic was a non-issue for me when we lived in a large city because I took the train. I have two degrees and there is nothing I can do with them in this place which resembles a Third World country. Besides staggering unemployment, teen pregnancy and meth addiction are two huge social problems in small towns. People are uneducated, obese, provincial, gossipy, petty. I will admit they are extremely polite, at least to your face.

mainstreet wrote:I have appealed to him many times already to look for something in a large or even a small city. Unfortunately, urban America is over saturated with physicians. His income would be a quarter of what it is here in the middle of nowhere because of all the competition from other practices in the city. Here in a small town, he is the only physician of his specialty in a 100-mile radius which gives him a complete monopoly.

So I was right.

Physicians move all the time. Most of them work for a "salary" these days for "groups" or small incorporations. So unlike old days they are not tied up to patients and have to worry about starting new at another place.

It is difficult to be identified as a Rich (colored) Desi in a small rural town full of less well to do whites. uneasy situation. If he is a MBBS, then he is better off in a small town. In big cities, the Indian docs will be offered much less than their compatriots by the "groups" If he is a internist or a family practice, AND if you are interested in money, you are better off in your small town. Remember, there is nothing like a freebie.

But then, you are at a stage where your mind will refuse to accept realities in the future.

Sigh! I don't know what to say, mainstreet. I hope others on this forum can give you better advice. You got any kids? How are the schools?

will get more invested only if this is not a troll

MD, has his own practice, not a generalist, very specialized. His patients and their families seem to love him. We get invited to funerals, weddings, baptisms on a weekly basis. For Christmas, we get more than 500 cards and more than 100 bibles in the mail and we are not Christians. I just can't adjust to the slow pace here after having spent years in places like NY and DC. There are no Meetup groups, no Starbucks, no Whole Foods, no fresh salad bars anywhere, no Barnes and Noble, no yoga studios, no jogging trails, no fine dining, no museums or culture, no mass transit. Everything is so far away and I hate driving. The local movie theater is playing Die Hard 4. One movie and it is so dumb. People spend their time gossiping about the choice of their neighbor's patio furniture. They have no ambitions to get out of this place, get an education, travel the world, do something with their lives. They are content with nothing to do and nowhere to go. This place is insular, clique-ish, backward. I feel so isolated. To my husband, it makes no difference where we live. He works a very intense schedule and his life would be the same spending most of his waking hours working, whether here or in a big city.

Vidya Bagchi wrote:will get more invested only if this is not a troll

You will never know... just go with the flow for the "story line" This is indeed true....MOST MBBS guys are discriminated by patients, colleagues, insurance companies, hospitals, etc...They make more than other Indians, but compare to their own peers, they are parriahs at the bottom of the crowd.

You should see what the docs talk about (most of) their desi colleagues. It made me smirk - they were not aware of my "real situation" when they talked these things. So I was privy to their 'real views'.

So mainstreet... your hubby will be happier in that small town. So is it your happiness or his happiness - which one is important?

well, if he wishes to advance in his field, then he gotta be in a big city. bear the initial hit, and patiently wait to begin earning more.

same with bil, he was in a great field, even though in a small town, and he seemed fine with it. when dad came and saw this, he saw suffocation in future. totally dissed his situation. appealed to them to get back to the bigger city. they took his advice, moved, took the initial hit, and are now happy.

if there is no satisfaction in your job, then what's the point. for some satisfaction is progress, for some it's money. maybe mainstreet's dh is the latter kind.

A friend of mine is in a similar situation as yours. Husband is a hematologist and has his own practice. My friend is managing his practice, taking care of the insurance stuff and all. She's not too happy with her life and still yearns to move to a bigger place, but at least she feels she's utilizing her time a little better.

Vidya Bagchi wrote:will get more invested only if this is not a troll

Not a troll. I can sense her pain. I've been there, felt that. So yeah..

No kids, horrible schools, many kids are home-schooled in Bible Studies because their parents don't believe in sending them to secular public schools that teach science, evolution, have no prayer in class, or don't teach the kids that we live in a "Christian Nation." There is one private Christian school in town where the affluent kids go.

guess now i know why desis and most immigrants stick to bigger cities.

Marathadi-Saamiyaar wrote:

nenu wrote:

truthbetold wrote:What is a cold town? A town in colderregions of usa or a town whose people are not friendly?
For people of indian origin, metropolitan areas are easier to adjust. Most metros have small towns around it. If travel time permits a 30 min drive, a small town with good school, decent real estate, and may be a small ethnic crowd. You can get city life any with an hours drive.
However not all jobs in usa are located in metros. Give your partner a chance to search for the right opportunity.

By cold i meant the towns with subzero temperatures for the most part of the year. Apart from the small town blues, one would have to deal with the cold temperature and dark day blues too. The small town that i lived in was in Michigan and my cousin, who I mentioned above, lived in Utah.

Right now I live in the suburbs of a big city. Yeah, traffic is a problem at certain times on some roads. And that's ok. I prefer to live with this inconvenience rather than rotting in a small town in michigan.

What is wrong with Utah ? There are only a few cities in Utah and they are all with 1 to 1.5 hrs within each other. That location is simply FANTASTIC.

Agree your CURRENT location is good. But, so are plenty of others. Whining about weather is a sign of old age and major illnesses. if you are not sick-O-sick, you should find interesting things in even cold regions. Even in your area, all you do is go to temple, meet friends on weekends, then you can live in any city in US. In that case, all you do is look for great schools for kids, good job and a good environment. The rest are secondary.

Been to Colorado Springs? Man - that is one heck of a place. Have you been to Boise, ID, Springfield, MO. Harrisburg/Easton, PA, etc. If you are a hiker, skiier, camper, etc.. These are simply fantastic places with everything and no traffic but a little cold for 4 months.

BTW, ppl who live in colder weather are healthier and live longer.

Cousin never felt at home in Utah. The 'feeling at home' is so important when living at a place. If one doesn't feel that, one can nvr be happy in a place, no matter how hard they try. They moved to Austin and boom..instant change in her happiness factor!

Ppl living in nice, warm and cozy places are not qualified to comment on the ease and benefits of living in a cold place. btw, i was in my late 20s when i moved to that place, but couldn't handle the cold from day1. Now i am old and sick-o-sick. I couldn't have survived there.

mainstreet wrote:No kids, horrible schools, many kids are home-schooled in Bible Studies because their parents don't believe in sending them to secular public schools that teach science, evolution, have no prayer in class, or don't teach the kids that we live in a "Christian Nation." There is one private Christian school in town where the affluent kids go.

gosh! if you had kids, it would've been hell for them. They would've been more miserable than you.

Thanks, Nenu. It is indeed pain. I can feel the grass grow under my feet. It frustrates me to no end to think of my life passing me by in this place. My husband's career goals are important to me, but I'm questioning why my goals and happiness to him. Yes, his income will take a huge hit if we move back to a large city and the cost of living will be infinitely higher but you get what you pay for.

I'll admit that he does sense my unhappiness and tries to cheer me up by joking and saying "Smile, pretty face" and I try to be supportive by laughing at his jokes and trying to be happy and warm when he comes home after an intensely long day. I'm trying so hard to keep my marriage strong because my husband is the only thing I have that keeps me sane in this place.

ok so given you have to live there and can't move to a bigger, more happening city, read this small town person's answer

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker

I live in a smaller town too. Actually, it's known to be a great retirement community >.<. Basically, get creative! For instance, my friends and I will get together and go on a "Giant Eagle Raid" ...or whatever grocery store you have around. Pool in some money, whether each person puts in a dollar or however much you have, and go in the store and buy food! It's surprisingly fun, because afterwords you just go outside and find someplace to sit. And because most the time we had a tight budget, it was more fun to see what we could buy for like, 8 of us, and then we'd just talk and stuff.

On your playground, remember that games aren't for 6 year olds! I'm 17 and we are all addicted to Ultimate Frisbee, so take your favorite game and add fun twists to it! For instance with UF, we're going to put some sprinklers out and play the game in the sprinklers! Sports are good, even better if you're hanging out with boys, too.

Also, living in a small town means that you need to get GENERALLY creative. For instance, if it's International Pancake Day, well, helloooo, have a giant Pancake Making Party Also, there's the normal stuff, like having a Rave by loading up your CDs/iPod with Rave music, buy cheap glow sticks, turn off the lights, and party! You can also do stuff like art, like making Cereal Art (story of my life!), which basically involves dumping out cereal and making pictures with it, then eating it. Also, surprisingly fun.

In the movie theater, a cheap(er) thing to do is to have a bunch of people show up early in the morning and walk up to the desk, ask when the next showing of ANY movie is, and no matter what it is, going in and seeing it. We've both been surprised and had good times over some dumb/amazing movies that were spontaneous. And, because it's the morning, it's cheaper, sometimes by like 5 dollars. So even if the movie sucked, it was worth the laughs, and we didn't spend too much on it.

Now granted, if you're one of those "cool" kids who doesn't want to do "dorky" things, I suppose my post is of no help >.<. but, I must admit, although I am the definition of a nerd/dork (I'm in Band. And Cross Country. And National Honors Society) I still have loads of friends (not to sound conceited) and I wouldn't trade my "dorky" things for the "cool" things anyways. So, hey, try some of it out.

I feel obligated to add a part about boys to this post also, all of these things can definitely set you up with ways to A. make yourself look fun/interesting/awesome B. have some romantic moments. But that is an entirely different question that you did NOT ask, so, I won't continue.

Recap: be creative. and don't be afraid to dork it up!
Source(s):
myself. my friends. believe it or not, I have some, and we party harddd

is there a local university? could you be furthering your education in some field that you are passionate about? get so busy with it that you have no time to think about the fact that you are living in the boonies? do you have any other professional interests or hobbies? you've been given the gift of time with no responsibilities and are childless. the best time of your life if you want to spend it exclusively on your own professional and intellectual development. i envy you.

Thanks, Seven, but it looks like that was probably given to a teenager by a teenager. I am not a teenager. I have already spent a decade living and working in world-class cities and become accustomed to living in a cosmopolitan area with a very educated and sophisticated group of friends, colleagues, acquaintances and neighbors.

mainstreet wrote:Thanks, Nenu. It is indeed pain. I can feel the grass grow under my feet. It frustrates me to no end to think of my life passing me by in this place. My husband's career goals are important to me, but I'm questioning why my goals and happiness to him. Yes, his income will take a huge hit if we move back to a large city and the cost of living will be infinitely higher but you get what you pay for.

I'll admit that he does sense my unhappiness and tries to cheer me up by joking and saying "Smile, pretty face" and I try to be supportive by laughing at his jokes and trying to be happy and warm when he comes home after an intensely long day. I'm trying so hard to keep my marriage strong because my husband is the only thing I have that keeps me sane in this place.

Ya, I too felt the same. I was drilled in that as a good wife, i was supposed to do all that I can to support his career and that my own dreams of having a career for myself were trivial. 'Why do you need to work? I'll take care of you and the kids', he'd say. 'It's all in your head, not in the place. If you change your attitude, you can be happy anywhere', he'd say making me guilty for feeling miserable. So yeah, i tried hard for 11 yrs to stay happy in that goddam place and giving up my dreams of having a good career. But trust me, all the frustrations build up over the years. A decade later when you look back, you'll have this overwhelming feeling of how horribly your life got wasted, this feeling that had you been at a bigger, better place you'd have probably had a decent career and some personal sense of achievement. It's not about money. Trust me. You may have saved millions living in that small place, but all that money may not make you happy.

mainstreet wrote:MD, has his own practice, not a generalist, very specialized. His patients and their families seem to love him. We get invited to funerals, weddings, baptisms on a weekly basis. For Christmas, we get more than 500 cards and more than 100 bibles in the mail and we are not Christians. I just can't adjust to the slow pace here after having spent years in places like NY and DC. There are no Meetup groups, no Starbucks, no Whole Foods, no fresh salad bars anywhere, no Barnes and Noble, no yoga studios, no jogging trails, no fine dining, no museums or culture, no mass transit. Everything is so far away and I hate driving. The local movie theater is playing Die Hard 4. One movie and it is so dumb. People spend their time gossiping about the choice of their neighbor's patio furniture. They have no ambitions to get out of this place, get an education, travel the world, do something with their lives. They are content with nothing to do and nowhere to go. This place is insular, clique-ish, backward. I feel so isolated. To my husband, it makes no difference where we live. He works a very intense schedule and his life would be the same spending most of his waking hours working, whether here or in a big city.

Since I like guessing and reading between the lines and not on the line, I guess he is a REAL (MD) MD and not a (MBBS) MD - going by your description about what you miss in NYC.

He has HIS OWN practice? Then he will have to start all over in a new place, and he will not be too happy to work for a salary.

"Very" specialized - in a small town....hm....wonder what that could be.

Oh, BTW, I read somewhere, wives of Physicians are high on the list of those who have affairs and who want to have affairs. I knew why but I know for sure why.

There is no university within a fifty-mile radius. There is a crappy university an hour away with no U.S. News ranking worth anything. Putting that on my résumé would be a huge step backward after having two really good schools on there. The industries here are the military/VA, some manufacturing, warehousing, agriculture, fast food, retail (convenience stores and gas stations), and the prisons. Always exciting to hear people in the community tell each other that a dangerous prisoner just escaped and to be armed in your houses and cars at all times!

mainstreet wrote:Thanks, Seven, but it looks like that was probably given to a teenager by a teenager. I am not a teenager. I have already spent a decade living and working in world-class cities and become accustomed to living in a cosmopolitan area with a very educated and sophisticated group of friends, colleagues, acquaintances and neighbors.

but u can still have friends and do movie nights, game nights picnics and other things. pack your bags and go out on the wknds. enjoy the small town things, like fishing? you can always party hard gtg good luck

Nenu: my marriage is really strained right now, but my husband is vaguely aware of this...talking isn't going to help. I'm going to pack up and move one of these days. It's action that's going to make him sit up and really notice how terribly unhappy I am in this town. He can follow me if he really misses me or find someone else. I may live in a nice house that's 5,000 sq. ft, but I hate it. I miss living in a small house in the city with sidewalks and a short walk to the train station. I may drive a really nice car but I hate driving. We may have money in the bank but there's nothing to spend it on here. I need a stimulating career, friends, diversity (about 50% white and about 50% black with less than 1% Hispanic and desi is not true diversity), I lived in cities that had the United Nations, World Bank, embassies representing every country in the world. I had Korean breakfast, Ethiopian lunch, and Vietnamese dinner on any given day. There is one restaurant in this town that serves fried chicken, collard greens, and black-eyed peas for lunch and dinner.

The people here have had three or four kids by the time they're my age. Game night? Games for their kids perhaps. The desis seem nice enough but they're not worldly enough either...all the women have had a kid or two by the time they're 25 or 30. Besides, how exciting can a conversation with someone who runs a convenience store or gas station get. I'm not knocking the business choice, it's an honest way to make a living, I just can't relate.

A friend of mine did get divorced coz of this. They knew each other since teenage, and loved each other like crazy. They were both my friends in a coaching class after high school. He half-hindu(rajput)-half-christian. She half-hindu(bong)-half-muslim. Then he moved to Scandinevia or some such god forsaken cold country for work, and she went with him. She used to keep bad health, which got worse there. She just could not handle it, and urged him to move somewhere, anywhere. Once while they were visiting India (both in early-mid 30s), he suggested divorce, and she agreed. Just like that, and they divorced, and he went back. No kids. She is in my home town now, teaching in the university. Trying to remarry, but doesn't care whether she does or not.

Another interesting unrelated tidbit about this girl. Her dad, muslim were three bro and three sisters, her dad being the youngest. His oldest sis got married before partition. Her husband decided to go to pakistan during partition, but she refused. So they got divorced. The two younger sisters didn't get married to show solidarity to her. The three of them lived together in my home town, where my friend eventually moved after high school, and happened to meet me this way. Now, among her uncles, the older one didn't get married coz of some crazy issues of his own, and his younger brother decided to follow suit (show solidarity to the bro). Only the youngest one got married in this 40s to this Hindu, my friend's mom, and she (my friend) was the only offspring amongst the six brothers and sisters. Now, she is almost 40, and alone, and living in her aunt's house in my home town. Both her parents are gone, and I believe her aunts and uncles too. Her only family is her sole cousin from her mom's side, who they had later adopted.

mainstreet wrote:The people here have had three or four kids by the time they're my age. Game night? Games for their kids perhaps. The desis seem nice enough but they're not worldly enough either...all the women have had a kid or two by the time they're 25 or 30. Besides, how exciting can a conversation with someone who runs a convenience store or gas station get. I'm not knocking the business choice, it's an honest way to make a living, I just can't relate.

You are in a very difficult situation. Can visualize a whole lot of things - ABCD, arranged marriage, caste importance, etc....

Marriage is a give and take. Sit down with your hoojband an have an open talk in a no non-sense mode so that he "understands" the consequences of his lethargic attitude. In a a marriage each one has to adjust but not have to sacrifice everything that one values.

My mind races through all the inter-states that I have driven and the prisons that I crossed... Terre Haute/Evanston ? Some manufacturing, Prison, lousy school, etc.

Good luck.

if you are really unhappy, then move. just tell your husband to save lives someplace big. money is not that important. if you told him its going to cost him your marriage, he'll realize the importance of big city for you and everything will be fine.

mainstreet wrote:Nenu: my marriage is really strained right now, but my husband is vaguely aware of this...talking isn't going to help. I'm going to pack up and move one of these days. It's action that's going to make him sit up and really notice how terribly unhappy I am in this town. He can follow me if he really misses me or find someone else. I may live in a nice house that's 5,000 sq. ft, but I hate it. I miss living in a small house in the city with sidewalks and a short walk to the train station. I may drive a really nice car but I hate driving. We may have money in the bank but there's nothing to spend it on here. I need a stimulating career, friends, diversity (about 50% white and about 50% black with less than 1% Hispanic and desi is not true diversity), I lived in cities that had the United Nations, World Bank, embassies representing every country in the world. I had Korean breakfast, Ethiopian lunch, and Vietnamese dinner on any given day. There is one restaurant in this town that serves fried chicken, collard greens, and black-eyed peas for lunch and dinner.

I hope your husband understands the gravity of the situation. One partner having to sacrifice a lot for the sake of the other leads to a lot of resentment over the years and could put a lot of strain in the marriage anyway. There should always be a balance. Besides, the small town that you described doesn't seem like an ideal place to raise kids, when you have them. The kids will feel so left out in the non-diverse schools. You all will have to move out anyway at that point. Tell him to think long term.
I hope things work out for you guys and it will be a win-win situation for both of you. Good luck!

mainstreet wrote:Nenu: my marriage is really strained right now, but my husband is vaguely aware of this...talking isn't going to help. I'm going to pack up and move one of these days. It's action that's going to make him sit up and really notice how terribly unhappy I am in this town. He can follow me if he really misses me or find someone else. I may live in a nice house that's 5,000 sq. ft, but I hate it. I miss living in a small house in the city with sidewalks and a short walk to the train station. I may drive a really nice car but I hate driving. We may have money in the bank but there's nothing to spend it on here. I need a stimulating career, friends, diversity (about 50% white and about 50% black with less than 1% Hispanic and desi is not true diversity), I lived in cities that had the United Nations, World Bank, embassies representing every country in the world. I had Korean breakfast, Ethiopian lunch, and Vietnamese dinner on any given day. There is one restaurant in this town that serves fried chicken, collard greens, and black-eyed peas for lunch and dinner.

5000sq. ft is not that big a house, build a 12-15000 sq. ft house, that will keep you busy for a couple of years. Your problem is your husband is making way too much money for you to whine all day sitting on your a$$. Had he been one of those attendants at the gas station you're referring to you wouldn't be whining because you'd be busy working to make ends meat; crappy university, teenage moms, not so intelligent grocery store clerks, do you realize how condescending you sound. If you had graduated magna cum laude with a couple of degrees then why don't try a teaching gig in that crappy university for a change. What would you do in the cities with UN and World Bank, make the rounds everyday!

confuzzled dude wrote:

mainstreet wrote:Nenu: my marriage is really strained right now, but my husband is vaguely aware of this...talking isn't going to help. I'm going to pack up and move one of these days. It's action that's going to make him sit up and really notice how terribly unhappy I am in this town. He can follow me if he really misses me or find someone else. I may live in a nice house that's 5,000 sq. ft, but I hate it. I miss living in a small house in the city with sidewalks and a short walk to the train station. I may drive a really nice car but I hate driving. We may have money in the bank but there's nothing to spend it on here. I need a stimulating career, friends, diversity (about 50% white and about 50% black with less than 1% Hispanic and desi is not true diversity), I lived in cities that had the United Nations, World Bank, embassies representing every country in the world. I had Korean breakfast, Ethiopian lunch, and Vietnamese dinner on any given day. There is one restaurant in this town that serves fried chicken, collard greens, and black-eyed peas for lunch and dinner.

5000sq. ft is not that big a house, build a 12-15000 sq. ft house, that will keep you busy for a couple of years. Your problem is your husband is making way too much money for you to whine all day sitting on your a$$. Had he been one of those attendants at the gas station you're referring to you wouldn't be whining because you'd be busy working to make ends meat; crappy university, teenage moms, not so intelligent grocery store clerks, do you realize how condescending you sound. If you had graduated magna cum laude with a couple degrees then why don't try a teaching gig in that crappy university for change. What would you do in the cities with UN and World Bank, make the rounds everyday!

Correct....but for her to do the above she would have to sacrifice everything she THINKS are important for her.

Apparently she cannot do that. If only she had mentioned what exactly she wants to accomplish in life and career, we can all give "free advice" (There is nothing in this world that we in SuCH can't solve...). All she talked was sidewalk, starbucks, yoga institute, ranked schools etc... The only things that I liked in her paragraph "Small house, and hate driving" phrase.

I will leave suggestions on how a successful specialist doctor in a hellhole of a small town should find a way to get a job in major metros to know it all. For heavens sake he studied for decades and specializes in diagnostics of cause of disease. He knows the variables and trade offs in this equation.
The problem seems to be a couples problem. Mainstreet rejected any normal suggestion to live inthat small town. She already decided it is a backwaters no fun etc town. She even feels her husband is too dense to understand her frustrations.
She is ready to bolt. Assuming she is not a troll, what are her future options? Should she take train or bus? Or should she drive to airport and fly off to the great metropolis of nyc?
A major problem: what should she do about the car she drove to get to airport?

Is money more important or a happy household situation? Ask your husband to make the choice. Lot of things in life are that simple. I don't understand how someone with specialization can be boxed in bumfuck America. Uppili I can understand but a md???

Propagandhi711 wrote:Is money more important or a happy household situation? Ask your husband to make the choice. Lot of things in life are that simple. I don't understand how someone with specialization can be boxed in bumfuck America. Uppili I can understand but a md???

Reality is the minute she packs up and leaves, 10 other women will go after him, first of all he is a doctor on top that only one in 100 miles radius (nutokka miles andagadu), he won't miss a beat. Even our Uppili appears to have scored a few blondes.