Flirt to convert

Emily Yoffe: Good afternoon. I look forward to your questions.

Q. Bait and Switch: I dated my wife for three years before we married. We were both in our 30s and had had all of the important discussions before we decided to marry (kids, religion, etc.). At the time, she told me she was agnostic, and not really into "the whole religion thing." Now, less than six months into our marriage, she tells me she's joined a church and expects me to join her for Sunday services. It's only now that I learn that she has extremely right-wing, religious views. After talking with some of her friends, they couldn't believe I didn't know this about her. I asked them why they wouldn't have mentioned this when they found out we weren't having a church wedding and they told me that was probably done for my benefit. Now, instead of our not wanting any kids, she wants at least five and maybe more. Instead of no religion, she wants strict adherence to her religion. I feel I've been duped and that she's lied to me about herself. Is there any way out of this short of divorce?

A: This sounds like the idea for a follow-up to Gillian Flynn's Gone Girl, because you've got a wife who rivals Flynn's in the unreliable narrator department. In your case either your wife is completely crazy or you've decided to concoct a crazy letter. I hate to think I'm being duped, but if this is an accurate rendering of the first months of your marriage, I don't understand why you're writing to me on how to avoid divorce. Your question should be something along the lines of whether you should go directly to a lawyer or trying a stab at therapy first. I get a lot of letters about couples with differing religious views. Almost always if there is deception, it's on the part of the person who is having doubts about their faith but who doesn't want to upset the believers around them. I haven't heard of the devout who want to keep that under wraps in hopes of snagging an atheist to convert. Marriages can be annulled when entered into fraudulently—I think you've got better grounds for this than did Henry VIII.


http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/11/dear_prudie_my_wife_missionary_dated_me_hiding_her_religion_until_marriage.html

Rishi wrote:
Emily Yoffe: Good afternoon. I look forward to your questions.

Q. Bait and Switch: I dated my wife for three years before we married. We were both in our 30s and had had all of the important discussions before we decided to marry (kids, religion, etc.). At the time, she told me she was agnostic, and not really into "the whole religion thing." Now, less than six months into our marriage, she tells me she's joined a church and expects me to join her for Sunday services.
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2013/11/dear_prudie_my_wife_missionary_dated_me_hiding_her_religion_until_marriage.html

We had a related discusison yesterday. One person said it was better to discuss all these issues (ironically the ones mentioned in this article) before getting engaged.

As usual, I said that was useless. Bcz one thing all agreements and contracts dont give any room for accomodating "changes" downstream. People inherently change their views with age and experience. That is one reason why 50% of american marriages fail despite prenupts bcz they are all rigid documents.

my mantra for a goodly marriage: compassion, putting the other person first, and flexibility for the benefit of the couple. (unfortunately all three are in short supply with present day youth).