Not arranged but a 'practical marriage'

It was January 2011, and Rajan and Mehta, both Indian Americans, were tentatively back on the market after recent relationships had flamed out. When they met at a restaurant, however, their differences seemed to compound.

“He’s, like, 40 pounds lighter than me,” Mehta recalled thinking. “He’s my height.”

“I don’t know about this Devi Mehta chick,” Rajan told friends.

On the surface, this would not have the makings of a love story. And yet, it is one.

Mehta’s parents had an arranged marriage. Though Rajan’s parents were in love when they wed, they had been steeped in Indian culture, which values community and family over romance.

Rajan and Mehta were adamant that they didn’t want arranged marriages themselves. Yet after unsuccessfully dating the American way, both decided to try splitting the difference. They would search for partners, rather than relying on anyone else to arrange a union. But they would focus on potential spouses who shared the same culture and offered the same promise of stability and commitment to family they had seen in their parents’ marriages — and not worry so much about romance.

Thus, they gave each other more of a chance than they might have a few years earlier. Although Rajan wasn’t her type, “there’s nothing wrong with this guy’s character,” Mehta reasoned to herself.

Almost five years later, I met the couple in Northeast Washington’s bustling Union Market to discuss marriage and love. Rajan, a Montgomery County native, joked that their marriage had been arranged, after all — “by an algorithm.”

Mehta said that for her, the turning point came when she realized that sometimes “you have to go back and listen to the people who’ve been married 50 years.

“Indian parents always say stuff like, ‘It’s not about love, it’s about family,’ They married for family.” She paused. “What is it they always say? ‘The love comes later.’ ”

Once she shed her reservations, Mehta realized Rajan “understands my family, my siblings, my world,” she said. But there’s more. “I feel happy and loved and fulfilled, because he makes me feel that way.”

Meghna Mathur wrote:i think the version of arranged marriages that's been going on for last 20-25 years is not that bad. the girls and the boys meet each other, and have a huge say on who interests them, within the confines of parameters set by the elders. in most cases, if it's a long engagement, they get to meet or talk to each other often enough to 'fall in love'. 

i could not see myself going through the process though, not then and definitely not now. it's fine to meet someone based on family's recommendation, but then coming back to an eagerly awaiting family and saying yes or no, and to justify/debate the choices, is too much pressure. can't handle it. been the youngest in the family, and bullied way too often, i avoid all such scenarios with a passion. even my whole separation/divorce thing, i let my sis take the heat from my parents. 

off topic… as the thought came up. more on my fam. while i do things and then inform, sis doesn't know any other way than to try to win their approval about everything. in a way she is a great uniter of my parents. they may or may not see eye to eye on many many things, but the moment it comes to dealing with her, they unite like a fevicol bond. funny family scenarios. She claims that she single-handedly kept their marriage alive. Some examples… they went to meet her. She took them to the best of restaurants, fancy and expensive, showed them the best of america. they came to meet me. I took them to costco when i went for my groceries, and we shared a 5 dollar pizza there. They came back home, called her, and yelled at her for wasting so much money when a simple pizza at costco is so good, and they didn't even know about it, and they figured she doesn't know about it either. and if she knew it, why they hell didn't she do the same for them. lol. poor thing.