I think divorce is the only option

by Nila Fri Jun 03, 2011 12:03 am

I am serious...we fight every day and I am tired of arguing in front of kids. In the long run I don't want to be considered as a "loser" in my kids views. Well...it is unfortunate.

I don't know...

Thanks for reading my personal rant.

by Guest Fri Jun 03, 2011 12:05 am

What do you fight about every day?

by Nila Fri Jun 03, 2011 12:05 am

Gosh it is also scary...

I am going to go and stay in my Mom's place for a 6 months and decide later...

Blah...feel like a loser no 1.

Grr....

by Nila Fri Jun 03, 2011 12:06 am

kinnera wrote:What do you fight about every day?

food, sharing reponsibilities...and kids.

by Nila Fri Jun 03, 2011 12:08 am

Looks like he doesn't like my cooking and he always calls names in front of kids and I feel offended. I asked him what you want for dinner and his response was nothing. I asked him repeatedly to get one answer and he said..."Do whatever shit you want!"

by Guest Fri Jun 03, 2011 12:11 am

it does sound like he's a prick. criticizing someone's cooking is very cheap. tough times for you. i'm sorry i have no advice but going to your mom's place and thinking it out is a good idea.

by Guest Fri Jun 03, 2011 12:13 am

Sasthi wrote:Looks like he doesn't like my cooking and he always calls names in front of kids and I feel offended. I asked him what you want for dinner and his response was nothing. I asked him repeatedly to get one answer and he said..."Do whatever shit you want!"

That's not a valid reason to have fights leading to a divorce. There are simple solutions for that.

by Marathadi-Saamiyaar Fri Jun 03, 2011 12:15 am

Don't underestimate the kids. They may not understand fully, but they will when they get into the teens. They will appreciate and support you more than their dad. They will take revenge against him.

Of course, you being only 33, have to wonder if you want to spend the next 40 years in this way. It is too personal, and any advice can turn out to be wrong.

But, remember one thing though. Sacrifices never go waste. so, you will get your satisfaction in some manner at some point in future even if you decide to put up with him.

by Guest Fri Jun 03, 2011 12:18 am

Ya. Going to mom is a good idea. Within 2 months she will brainwash you against divorce. And you'll be all good until the next outburst. Take a break and work on the marriage. First thing first. He needs to know that you need to be respected as an individual. Calling names is the first step towards detachment.

by Rekz Fri Jun 03, 2011 12:21 am

Sasthi wrote:Looks like he doesn't like my cooking and he always calls names in front of kids and I feel offended. I asked him what you want for dinner and his response was nothing. I asked him repeatedly to get one answer and he said..."Do whatever shit you want!"

Cook for urself & kids....let him do things for himself...

by Nila Fri Jun 03, 2011 12:21 am

Marathadi-Saamiyaar wrote:Don't underestimate the kids. They may not understand fully, but they will when they get into the teens. They will appreciate and support you more than their dad. They will take revenge against him.

Of course, you being only 33, have to wonder if you want to spend the next 40 years in this way. It is too personal, and any advice can turn out to be wrong.

But, remember one thing though. Sacrifices never go waste. so, you will get your satisfaction in some manner at some point in future even if you decide to put up with him.

I am sure I am gonna put up with him. I just wish I haven't met him in my life.

Anyways,...gotta cook some shit.

G'nite.

by Guest Fri Jun 03, 2011 12:25 am

Sasthi wrote:
Anyways,...gotta cook some shit.

LOL!

by Nila Fri Jun 03, 2011 12:27 am

Tracy Whitney wrote:Ya. Going to mom is a good idea. Within 2 months she will brainwash you against divorce. And you'll be all good until the next outburst. Take a break and work on the marriage. First thing first. He needs to know that you need to be respected as an individual. Calling names is the first step towards detachment.

I am sure he will not divorce coz it wil be a big let down of his status symbol. He just need to verbally abuse to feel good about himself. It is always like that...one day abuse and the next day apology. I try to do other things and he messes up that. These days I am so annoyed if he is home I just go out. May be I should work like 10 hours a day or something.

Last week he spit on my face...coz I said not today.

Well,

by Rekz Fri Jun 03, 2011 12:40 am

what the bloody hell...
not worth it baby

by Guest Fri Jun 03, 2011 12:43 am

Leme guess ur name is Trekha, t silent?

why did u edit lol!

by Rekz Fri Jun 03, 2011 12:51 am

seven wrote:Leme guess ur name is Trekha, t silent?

why did u edit

haha...TS ki chamchi Very Happy

I wanted to type...This guy don't deserve any kinda good treatment ...but then i was in loss of words ...

by Hellsangel Fri Jun 03, 2011 12:55 am

It is all about respect. If you don't respect yourself, neither will he.

by Guest Fri Jun 03, 2011 12:58 am

Rekz wrote:
seven wrote:Leme guess ur name is Trekha, t silent?

why did u edit

haha...TS ki chamchi

I wanted to type...This guy don't deserve any kinda good treatment ...but then i was in loss of words ...

haha i was quoting u n whn i preview i see the T is gone lol

cheers,
S5even , 5 silent

by Another Brick Fri Jun 03, 2011 4:14 am

Sasthi wrote:

Last week he spit on my face...coz I said not today.

Well,

WHAT? REALLY? SERIOUSLY???

i don't believe that. but if true, there is no reason for you to be around him. run away at the top speed of 7 kmph.

by Guest Fri Jun 03, 2011 6:20 am

Sasthi wrote:

Last week he spit on my face...coz I said not today.

Well,

!

by Guest Fri Jun 03, 2011 6:22 am

How old were you two when you got married?

by .|Sublime|. Fri Jun 03, 2011 7:20 am

there is some crazy stuff happening between the two of you!
i would be worried about the kids. they are resilient but you never know what they bottle up.
please say that you have tried to work it out with the help of a professional - not parents or parents-in-law but a marriage counselor.

by Guest Fri Jun 03, 2011 8:52 am

Sasthi wrote:
Tracy Whitney wrote:Ya. Going to mom is a good idea. Within 2 months she will brainwash you against divorce. And you'll be all good until the next outburst. Take a break and work on the marriage. First thing first. He needs to know that you need to be respected as an individual. Calling names is the first step towards detachment.

I am sure he will not divorce coz it wil be a big let down of his status symbol. He just need to verbally abuse to feel good about himself. It is always like that...one day abuse and the next day apology. I try to do other things and he messes up that. These days I am so annoyed if he is home I just go out. May be I should work like 10 hours a day or something.

Last week he spit on my face...coz I said not today.

Well,

omg sasthi. I am sorry. But you need to get out of this situation, whether you stay with him or not. This is turning violent, and may take an ugly turn for either of you.

by Nila Fri Jun 03, 2011 9:46 am

nutmeg wrote:How old were you two when you got married?

How does it matter anyway?

He was 32 and I was 21.

by Nila Fri Jun 03, 2011 9:48 am

Tracy Whitney wrote:
Sasthi wrote:
Tracy Whitney wrote:Ya. Going to mom is a good idea. Within 2 months she will brainwash you against divorce. And you'll be all good until the next outburst. Take a break and work on the marriage. First thing first. He needs to know that you need to be respected as an individual. Calling names is the first step towards detachment.

I am sure he will not divorce coz it wil be a big let down of his status symbol. He just need to verbally abuse to feel good about himself. It is always like that...one day abuse and the next day apology. I try to do other things and he messes up that. These days I am so annoyed if he is home I just go out. May be I should work like 10 hours a day or something.

Last week he spit on my face...coz I said not today.

Well,

omg sasthi. I am sorry. But you need to get out of this situation, whether you stay with him or not. This is turning violent, and may take an ugly turn for either of you.

I am taking a break for now....my mind is not clear. All those counseling may not work for us.

by Guest Fri Jun 03, 2011 10:33 am

Sasthi wrote:
I am sure he will not divorce coz it wil be a big let down of his status symbol. He just need to verbally abuse to feel good about himself. It is always like that...one day abuse and the next day apology. I try to do other things and he messes up that. These days I am so annoyed if he is home I just go out. May be I should work like 10 hours a day or something.

Last week he spit on my face...coz I said not today.

Well,
omg sasthi. I am sorry. But you need to get out of this situation, whether you stay with him or not. This is turning violent, and may take an ugly turn for either of you.

I am taking a break for now....my mind is not clear. All those counseling may not work for us.

Sasthi - I seriously hope you're not trolling. Spending time with parents will definitely help...Keep your head high...

by MaxEntropy_Man Fri Jun 03, 2011 10:49 am

this is not necessarily meant as advice to the OP but just some general observations. in general there are always deeper issues that go beyond outbursts like the OP described. they are almost always related to the following two:

- things not being peachy in the sack
- financial and career worries of either party

everything else can be worked out. but these two are relationship happiness killers.

by doofus_maximus Fri Jun 03, 2011 12:14 pm

sasthi.. he spits on you and calls you names in front of your kids..

that is insane. Are you sure he doesn't have other worries like job/money and other issues? Looks like he is unhappy and is taking it out on you.
You can't be the punching bag.

Kids are pretty resilient and can take care of themselves come what may.

But if he abuses you, they grow thinking it is okay to abuse wife/SO and that is not something you want to teach your kids.

I used to think you are kidding about your husband. Now I feel bad and sorry that you are in this situation.

by Guest Fri Jun 03, 2011 12:18 pm

MaxEntropy_Man wrote:this is not necessarily meant as advice to the OP but just some general observations. in general there are always deeper issues that go beyond outbursts like the OP described. they are almost always related to the following two:

- things not being peachy in the sack
- financial and career worries of either party

everything else can be worked out. but these two are relationship happiness killers.

You are missing a major third point. And that's mental makeup/chemistry of the one or both. This guy obviously seem to have control issues. And Sashthi seems what they call as a perfect victim. It would be hard for her to leave him even if she wants to.

by MaxEntropy_Man Fri Jun 03, 2011 12:47 pm

chemistry is still about the sack.

by Hellsangel Fri Jun 03, 2011 12:53 pm

MaxEntropy_Man wrote:chemistry is still about the sack.

And beyond that do people stay together for the kids, Il Professore?

by MaxEntropy_Man Fri Jun 03, 2011 12:56 pm

who knows what goes on in people's lives, but yeah kids are definitely a factor. how could they not be?

by Nila Fri Jun 03, 2011 1:06 pm

doofus_maximus wrote:sasthi.. he spits on you and calls you names in front of your kids..

that is insane. Are you sure he doesn't have other worries like job/money and other issues? Looks like he is unhappy and is taking it out on you.
You can't be the punching bag.

Kids are pretty resilient and can take care of themselves come what may.

But if he abuses you, they grow thinking it is okay to abuse wife/SO and that is not something you want to teach your kids.

I used to think you are kidding about your husband. Now I feel bad and sorry that you are in this situation.

Oh please! Don't feel sorry for me...I knew exactly what I am getting when I got married and it didn't come as a surprise...it's just that I had enuff and no more tolerance. I mean he did temper issues and I assumed that he would change... Razz

Well, that is what exactly I am worried about...kids picking up bad stuff from him. We are not very communicative so I am not sure about his career and also financial issues. Whenever we talk about those topics...he never discusses those stuff with me.

by FluteHolder Fri Jun 03, 2011 1:29 pm

We are not very communicative so I am not sure about his career and also financial issues. Whenever we talk about those topics...he never discusses those stuff with me.

>>
Here lies the problem. This is itself a big red flag and big no no. I wish you goodluck. You guys need to slow down, take a brk, sit down and talk and 'do' things (max's tip) Smile

FH:)

by Nila Fri Jun 03, 2011 1:32 pm

FluteHolder wrote:We are not very communicative so I am not sure about his career and also financial issues. Whenever we talk about those topics...he never discusses those stuff with me.

>>
Here lies the problem. This is itself a big red flag and big no no. I wish you goodluck. You guys need to slow down, take a brk, sit down and talk and 'do' things (max's tip)

FH:)

I guess so...may be we have been together for long time and take each other for granted. A break might help...I mean I met him when I was 18.

by FluteHolder Fri Jun 03, 2011 1:41 pm

Any relationships cannot be taken for granted and esp hubby/wife. I guess you know Tamizh. Variar (Late Kirupanda Variar )used to say, When referring any affectionate person, that you can refer the relationship by saying 'he/she is like my brother/sis/mom/dad/aunt/uncle'. But you can never say he/she is like my 'spouse'. Though obvious, the way he used say was stressing the importance of this lifetime relationship which needs to be nurtured all along not only in initial rosy years.

Goodluck

by charvaka Fri Jun 03, 2011 3:58 pm

Sasthi wrote:
We are not very communicative so I am not sure about his career and also financial issues. Whenever we talk about those topics...he never discusses those stuff with me.

This is where a professional therapist may be of help. I think you should seriously consider getting professional help. Perhaps your husband needs to talk to a therapist one-on-one, but if he doesn't want to do that, then going in as a couple won't hurt. In the worst case, you will lose a few hours and a few hundred dollars. If the therapist helps you understand each others' issues better, that can be the basis of a different way of treating each other in future.

Your husband needs to understand the implications of what he is doing. If you keep putting up with the crap, he won't.

by Hellsangel Fri Jun 03, 2011 4:58 pm

MaxEntropy_Man wrote:who knows what goes on in people's lives...

The Shadow knows.

by Marathadi-Saamiyaar Sat Jun 04, 2011 12:09 am

MaxEntropy_Man wrote:chemistry is still about the sack.

One thing women - Indian women - never understand.

A 30 min a day in the sack will get them all they want during 30 years of their marriage. They give 100 reasons for not giving their husbands 30 min/day but expect their husbands to given them 3 hrs a day and $3000/mo pocket money.

I saw a grand old couple in an interview say they were happy. The old lady said she NEVER said NO to her husband no matter how tired she was in the beginning.

No is a no no in a marriage.

by Guest Sat Jun 04, 2011 12:14 am

no one has a right to spit on a no...and newsflash... wives are not the only ones who say no.

by SomeProfile Sat Jun 04, 2011 12:18 am

Marathadi-Saamiyaar wrote:
MaxEntropy_Man wrote:chemistry is still about the sack.

One thing women - Indian women - never understand.

A 30 min a day in the sack will get them all they want during 30 years of their marriage. They give 100 reasons for not giving their husbands 30 min/day but expect their husbands to given them 3 hrs a day and $3000/mo pocket money.

I saw a grand old couple in an interview say they were happy. The old lady said she NEVER said NO to her husband no matter how tired she was in the beginning.

No is a no no in a marriage.

I am surprised that a wise person like you thinks this way. My two cents:

Cent # 1: This is true not just of Indian women, but women the world over. Husbands everywhere complain about this.

Cent # 2: It is not that women don't understand. But when you are not truly in the mood, it's far too easy to say no. Often, even if you understand what the effect of your no will be, you simply can't bring yourself to get on with it.

by Marathadi-Saamiyaar Sat Jun 04, 2011 12:46 am

Sasthi wrote:I am serious...we fight every day and I am tired of arguing in front of kids. In the long run I don't want to be considered as a "loser" in my kids views. Well...it is unfortunate.

I don't know...

Thanks for reading my personal rant.

cracked marriages

by Marathadi-Saamiyaar Sat Jun 04, 2011 12:54 am

Tracy Whitney wrote:no one has a right to spit on a no...and newsflash... wives are not the only ones who say no.

I am 200% sure that it is Sasthi's fault in not taking charge of the marriage right in the beginning. Most husbands 30-20 marriages end up in hubbys being control freaks and slave masters. There is a neighbor who is in the same caste, age, marriage status as Sasthi is also in a SIMILAR situation. The hubby beats her up, threatens her and she changes her mind every day - for the last 10 years.

I blamed my neighbor wife for that and I blame Sasthi in not putting her foot down long back. She can STILL do it but she will have to pay a heavy price.

by Hellsangel Sat Jun 04, 2011 12:17 pm

Sasthi, respect yourself and walkout. Otherwise even your kids won't respect you.

by Marathadi-Saamiyaar Sat Jun 04, 2011 12:50 pm

As soon as she walks out with the kids - without even a divorce, his standing in the community will take a dive, he will lose respect and sympathy, and by denying permission to see kids he will change.

Sasthi has worked and should be able to work for a while support and hold for a year or so. Or, in the worst case, she can call the cops the next time he does something like this, and the police will give him a stern warning, and the record will put him in place.

Of course, she can consult a lawyer, and file for separation and drive HIM out of the house. A husband has no chance against a wife and kids and will lose wholesale - his respect, standing, FINANCE, saving, house, and affection.

I say he is STUPID. except Sasthi - being an Indian housewife is not likely to wield the Baton and use the powers her citizenship gives.

by MaxEntropy_Man Sat Jun 04, 2011 1:05 pm

you have no interest in knowing what the other side of the story is before you start giving out such pearls of wisdom? you guys should definitely keep your day jobs because i don't see marriage counseling as a career option in your future.

by CroMagnon Sat Jun 04, 2011 1:29 pm

Marathadi-Saamiyaar wrote:Sasthi - being an Indian housewife is not likely to wield the Baton and use the powers her citizenship gives.

He knows exactly that. Anyone who takes abuse without giving a fair fight doesn't respect him/herself.

by Guest Sat Jun 04, 2011 1:30 pm

wat were u doing whn the situation was going sooo out of hand? i mean howcome u let it get so bad between the two of u ?

he obviously doesn't love u and i dont think u do either...there is zero respect...u both need a break.

send kids to ur parents and go for a long vacation. change of place and atmosphere will help u look at things from a different angle.

next time don't let an argument ruin ur relationship with him this bad. goodluck making up!

by Guest Sat Jun 04, 2011 1:42 pm

Sasti,

when you're having an argument, listen to understand, don't listen to find looholes so you can win.
Marriage is either a win/win or a lose/lose. You can' win by beating someone else down.

i have more tips but they wont help u right now. fix it first and then i'll tell u how to keep it that way.

by Marathadi-Saamiyaar Sat Jun 04, 2011 1:47 pm

MaxEntropy_Man wrote:you have no interest in knowing what the other side of the story is before you start giving out such pearls of wisdom? you guys should definitely keep your day jobs because i don't see marriage counseling as a career option in your future.

I only listed out her options. Read carefully. I did not say do this or that specifically. Besides, there is a case playing out almost identical to hers next doors. Besides, I have seen and experienced divorce in families here in the US and in India.

Finally, .... how are you so sure that I don't know anything about Sasthi?

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