Re: I think divorce is the only option

by Guest Sat Jun 04, 2011 2:04 pm

seven wrote:Sasti,

when you're having an argument, listen to understand, don't listen to find looholes so you can win.
Marriage is either a win/win or a lose/lose. You can' win by beating someone else down.

i have more tips but they wont help u right now. fix it first and then i'll tell u how to keep it that way.

looP*holes

by CroMagnon Sat Jun 04, 2011 2:12 pm

MaxEntropy_Man wrote:you have no interest in knowing what the other side of the story is before you start giving out such pearls of wisdom?

Abuse is abuse, no matter what the other side of the story is. There is no excuse for abuse, and it shouldn't be tolerated.

by CroMagnon Sat Jun 04, 2011 2:27 pm

seven wrote:Marriage is either a win/win or a lose/lose. You can' win by beating someone else down.

Very true.

by Guest Sat Jun 04, 2011 2:36 pm

people treat u the way u train them to. sasthi shudnt have taken the c r a p from the first time.

by CroMagnon Sat Jun 04, 2011 2:41 pm

seven wrote:people treat u the way u train them to. sasthi shudnt have taken the c r a p from the first time.

I don't think it is entirely Sasthi's fault. Society brainwashes Indian women to believe that at least some amount of abuse is ok.

Even if Sasthi were to go to her parents, they will try to strike a compromise instead of sternly telling that a compromise can only be tried when this verbal and semi-physical abuse stops.

Because she is a wage earner, it is easier for Sasthi to take a stand and stop the abuse. If she doesn't, he kids will learn the same behavior.

by Kris Sat Jun 04, 2011 2:44 pm

Sasthi wrote:I am serious...we fight every day and I am tired of arguing in front of kids. In the long run I don't want to be considered as a "loser" in my kids views. Well...it is unfortunate.

I don't know...

Thanks for reading my personal rant.

>>>> I am sorry to hear about your situation. Since there are kids involved, you (I mean both of you) obviously have a lot riding on this. Difficult as this may seem, you need to figure a way of breaking through the communication barrier that seems to loom large between the two of you, be it through your feminine wiles or powers of persuasion or whatever it takes. In the meantime, try to not to focus on winning each argument/round of fight. I am not familiar with your situation and am not saying you are doing this, but have seen many a downward spiral because of this. Also, if there are relatives/friends providing input, figure out a way of steering clear of this trap. Even if it is well-meaning, it often ends up being one-sided and could fuel the conflict further. Keep communications objective and non-judgmental. Acknowledge your own shortcomings and hopefully, it will help him see the error of his ways too. Good luck!

By the way, all the above is assuming there is nothing drastic like physical abuse happening. If that is indeed part of the problem, you need to take whatever steps are necessary to protect yourself.

by Guest Sat Jun 04, 2011 2:49 pm

CroMagnon wrote:
seven wrote:people treat u the way u train them to. sasthi shudnt have taken the c r a p from the first time.

I don't think it is entirely Sasthi's fault. Society brainwashes Indian women to believe that at least some amount of abuse is ok.

Even if Sasthi were to go to her parents, they will try to strike a compromise instead of sternly telling that a compromise can only be tried when this verbal and semi-physical abuse stops.

Because she is a wage earner, it is easier for Sasthi to take a stand and stop the abuse. If she doesn't, he kids will learn the same behavior.

no, certainly not. its never one person's entire fault. but in every relationship one person is more samajhdar than the other and it depends on how tactfully u handle ur disputes. usually in indian society one expects the wife to be the samajhdar one but ultimately they are both equally responsible for the situation they r in now.

i hope they both work on their differences and put in things in perspective b4 its too late. this cud mean one person doing a lot of forgiving and other realizing their mistakes but they'll have to do it if they wana save their marriage.

by Impedimenta Sat Jun 04, 2011 2:56 pm

CroMagnon wrote:
MaxEntropy_Man wrote:you have no interest in knowing what the other side of the story is before you start giving out such pearls of wisdom?

Abuse is abuse, no matter what the other side of the story is. There is no excuse for abuse, and it shouldn't be tolerated.

i agree with max. it really surprises me to see so much free flowing advice on such a sensitive and personal [oh so personal, IMO]matter without really knowing both the sides of the story. and, since we will never hear the other side, i really would cringe before opening my mouth.

i cannot fathom anyone like sasthi[from what little i know of her] would really endure physical abuse. and i do have a huge problem when i see responses here which trivialize complex issues involving kids into something of a two or a three liner. every couple goes through ups and downs and all this "generic advise" and "marriage quotes" would mean very little in this situation.

sasthi - if you need advice, this is not the place to seek it. if you are just ranting it is a different issue. whatever it is, do the right thing. take care of yourself. that is the only thing you are going to get from me.

by Guest Sat Jun 04, 2011 2:59 pm

well once u say something on a public forum, its not personal anymore and people will respond to it the way they feel appropriate. wats so surprising abt it ?

i agree with ur "sasthi - if you need advice, this is not the place to seek it. if you are just ranting it is a different issue. whatever it is, do the right thing. take care of yourself. that is the only thing you are going to get from me." comment.

by Hellsangel Sat Jun 04, 2011 4:50 pm

Impedimenta wrote:

A lot of stuff.

Sure!

by Rekz Sat Jun 04, 2011 8:33 pm

miya biwi ke beech roz ke jagade lafdey hota hai...while u all are breaking ur head to find solutions...they must have already made up and watching a tamil flick together.. Smile

by CroMagnon Sat Jun 04, 2011 10:21 pm

Impedimenta wrote:i cannot fathom anyone like sasthi[from what little i know of her] would really endure physical abuse.

Verbal abuse is also abuse (and Sasthi did mention that he verbally abuses him in front of kids and has also spit on her). There is no harm in advising someone against tolerating any kind of abuse without knowing the complete story. There is no excuse for abuse - physical or verbal.

Relationships OTOH are complex and usually it is both sides fault (to a varying degree). I do not give out relationship advise to strangers.

by confuzzled dude Sat Jun 04, 2011 10:44 pm

Marathadi-Saamiyaar wrote: There is a neighbor who is in the same caste, age, marriage status as Sasthi is also in a SIMILAR situation. The hubby beats her up, threatens her and she changes her mind every day - for the last 10 years.

Deeni bhavamemi tirumalesaa

by charvaka Sat Jun 04, 2011 10:47 pm

confuzzled dude wrote:
Marathadi-Saamiyaar wrote: There is a neighbor who is in the same caste, age, marriage status as Sasthi is also in a SIMILAR situation. The hubby beats her up, threatens her and she changes her mind every day - for the last 10 years.

Deeni bhavamemi tirumalesaa

When therapists become popular in India, they will place ads saying "specialize in brahmin couples therapy," "experienced in intercaste couples," "caste no bar," etc.

by CroMagnon Sat Jun 04, 2011 10:51 pm

Marathadi-Saamiyaar wrote: The hubby beats her up, threatens her and she changes her mind every day - for the last 10 years.

I recently read someone's comment somewhere - If the husband beats you once, believe that he will beat you again, no matter how much he apologizes later.

by confuzzled dude Sat Jun 04, 2011 11:02 pm

charvaka wrote:
confuzzled dude wrote:
Marathadi-Saamiyaar wrote: There is a neighbor who is in the same caste, age, marriage status as Sasthi is also in a SIMILAR situation. The hubby beats her up, threatens her and she changes her mind every day - for the last 10 years.

Deeni bhavamemi tirumalesaa
When therapists become popular in India, they will place ads saying "specialize in brahmin couples therapy," "experienced in intercaste couples," "caste no bar," etc.

Haha! When there are matrimonial services by community, why not for therapy or divorce.

by CroMagnon Sat Jun 04, 2011 11:05 pm

charvaka wrote:... "caste no bar," etc.

That reminds me of a matrimonial ad - religion no bar, caste no bar, sex bar bar!

by Guest Sat Jun 04, 2011 11:21 pm

I was just browsing through the book "Rules for Aging" by Roger Rosenblatt and this is what he lists as male and female compatibility rules

a. She's right.
b. He's really thinking about nothing. Really.

HTH

by Guest Sat Jun 04, 2011 11:27 pm

Marathadi-Saamiyaar wrote:As soon as she walks out with the kids - without even a divorce, his standing in the community will take a dive, he will lose respect and sympathy, and by denying permission to see kids he will change.

....and then they will live happily ever after? Good script for a melodramatic movie.

PS: Mine is a general question and has nothing to do with Sasthi's post. I don't believe a word of all that she says at this point.

by Hellsangel Sat Jun 04, 2011 11:37 pm

[quote="blabberwock"]

Marathadi-Saamiyaar wrote: I don't believe a word of all that she says at this point.

So, in your opinion, she made up all that stuff and was trolling?

by Guest Sat Jun 04, 2011 11:47 pm

[quote="Hellsangel"]

blabberwock wrote:
Marathadi-Saamiyaar wrote: I don't believe a word of all that she says at this point.
So, in your opinion, she made up all that stuff and was trolling?

Could be exaggeration as well.

I really don't know but my instinct tells me to view it all suspiciously at this point. I don't want to discuss this further.

by SomeProfile Sun Jun 05, 2011 12:12 am

Hellsangel wrote:
blabberwock wrote:I don't believe a word of all that she says at this point.
So, in your opinion, she made up all that stuff and was trolling?

I'd be highly disturbed if it turns out that she said all that story just to get my attention.

by Marathadi-Saamiyaar Sun Jun 05, 2011 12:20 am

[quote="Hellsangel"]

blabberwock wrote:
Marathadi-Saamiyaar wrote: I don't believe a word of all that she says at this point.
So, in your opinion, she made up all that stuff and was trolling?

Hahaha...what r u trying to do a CH on me ? Where did I say what you have quoted above ?

Looks like this is a loophole on this site. Anyone's comment can be cut pasted to make it look like someone else's.

by jayZ Sun Jun 05, 2011 12:21 am

CroMagnon wrote:
MaxEntropy_Man wrote:you have no interest in knowing what the other side of the story is before you start giving out such pearls of wisdom?

Abuse is abuse, no matter what the other side of the story is. There is no excuse for abuse, and it shouldn't be tolerated.

Words like abuse and respect are cliched, overrated and thrown around like confetting at a wedding, in this society.
Yes, there is another side to this story and that matters too.

by Marathadi-Saamiyaar Sun Jun 05, 2011 12:38 am

[quote="jayZ"]

CroMagnon wrote:
MaxEntropy_Man wrote:you have no interest in knowing what the other side of the story is before you start giving out such pearls of wisdom?

Yes, there is another side to this story and that matters too.

We are not judges and this is not a court. So there is no need to keep quiet unless we hear from both sides.

One of the members stated her problems - real or imaginary - like so many seek info on so many things. So anyone who wants to is free to give opinions/views/suggestions and yes even advice. Not that she is going to jump into action after reading someone's comments. At best, she might think of a different angle.

Yes, there is another side to the story but that is the other side's problem.

by Rekz Sun Jun 05, 2011 12:59 am

swami ji..
Pls think and think well b4 u say anthing here...else u might lose lots of female devotees...I miss uppilli

by Marathadi-Saamiyaar Sun Jun 05, 2011 1:12 am

If anything I was only supporting Sasthi...and I hopeful of getting a lot of disciplees and certainly not lose the ones I have.

You can always visit Uppili at www.oppiliappan.org

by charvaka Sun Jun 05, 2011 2:48 am

blabberwock wrote:I was just browsing through the book "Rules for Aging" by Roger Rosenblatt and this is what he lists as male and female compatibility rules

a. She's right.
b. He's really thinking about nothing. Really.

HTH

This is the only post on this thread that makes 100% sense.

by Hellsangel Sun Jun 05, 2011 9:03 am

Marathadi-Saamiyaar wrote:
Hellsangel wrote:
blabberwock wrote:
Marathadi-Saamiyaar wrote: I don't believe a word of all that she says at this point.
So, in your opinion, she made up all that stuff and was trolling?

Hahaha...what r u trying to do a CH on me ? Where did I say what you have quoted above ?

Looks like this is a loophole on this site. Anyone's comment can be cut pasted to make it look like someone else's.

Sorry, the quote was mangled when I was trying to edit in the phone. The quote belonged to our highly intelligent poster.i

by Nila Sun Jun 05, 2011 7:57 pm

Thanks for all your inputs...sometimes I feel that I am exaggerating.

by Guest Sun Jun 05, 2011 7:59 pm

Sasthi wrote:Thanks for all your inputs...sometimes I feel that I am exaggerating.

Let me gues, he said sorry? Even better, somehow he managed to get a sorry out of you?

by Nila Sun Jun 05, 2011 8:05 pm

Tracy Whitney wrote:
Sasthi wrote:Thanks for all your inputs...sometimes I feel that I am exaggerating.

Let me gues, he said sorry? Even better, somehow he managed to get a sorry out of you?

You are right! I need a break to think thru.

by Propagandhi711 Sun Jun 05, 2011 8:50 pm

bwaahaha @free advise doling semi hopefuls. sasthi is a highly unstable lying wench. you guys cant figure it out after watching her antics for years?

by Marathadi-Saamiyaar Sun Jun 05, 2011 8:53 pm

Propagandhi711 wrote:bwaahaha @free advise doling semi hopefuls. sasthi is a highly unstable lying wench. you guys cant figure it out after watching her antics for years?

That pretty much covers everyone here and on Old-CH.

by Propagandhi711 Sun Jun 05, 2011 8:58 pm

you arent unstable. that belies your theory. just a hopeful

by Rekz Sun Jun 05, 2011 10:36 pm

I believe Chers blindly

by SomeProfile Sun Jun 05, 2011 10:39 pm

Sasthi wrote:Thanks for all your inputs...sometimes I feel that I am exaggerating.

I am highly disturbed now. First Maria. Now Sasthi! Next who?

by Rekz Sun Jun 05, 2011 10:44 pm

Someprofile this is the phase in life when"some" men just outta frustration change their gender preference...u know what i mean?

by Marathadi-Saamiyaar Sun Jun 05, 2011 11:05 pm

SomeProfile wrote:
Sasthi wrote:Thanks for all your inputs...sometimes I feel that I am exaggerating.

I am highly disturbed now. First Maria. Now Sasthi! Next who?

Lemme interpret what Sasthi really meant... She meant that she must have had an exaggerated negative feeling about her hubby actions in her own mind.

Now everyone is ThOmas Padre.

by SomeProfile Sun Jun 05, 2011 11:07 pm

Rekz wrote:Someprofile this is the phase in life when"some" men just outta frustration change their gender preference...u know what i mean?

No, I don't know what you mean. What does 'gender preference' have to do with women lying here on these forums in order to get attention and sympathy and admiration from others?

by SomeProfile Sun Jun 05, 2011 11:08 pm

Marathadi-Saamiyaar wrote:
SomeProfile wrote:
Sasthi wrote:Thanks for all your inputs...sometimes I feel that I am exaggerating.

I am highly disturbed now. First Maria. Now Sasthi! Next who?

Lemme interpret what Sasthi really meant... She meant that she must have had an exaggerated negative feeling about her hubby actions in her own mind.

Now everyone is ThOmas Padre.

I interpreted it to mean that her story of her husband spitting on her face was exaggerated. That is the one thing in her story that affected the majority of people here, especially the guys, including myself.

by Rekz Sun Jun 05, 2011 11:16 pm

SomeProfile wrote:
Rekz wrote:Someprofile this is the phase in life when"some" men just outta frustration change their gender preference...u know what i mean?

No, I don't know what you mean. What does 'gender preference' have to do with women lying here on these forums in order to get attention and sympathy and admiration from others?

If only u had the guts to share ur chat id...
I can clear all ur doubts in life...
Men are all talks no actions...I mean Indian men

by Marathadi-Saamiyaar Sun Jun 05, 2011 11:21 pm

SomeProfile wrote:
Marathadi-Saamiyaar wrote:
SomeProfile wrote:
Sasthi wrote:Thanks for all your inputs...sometimes I feel that I am exaggerating.

I am highly disturbed now. First Maria. Now Sasthi! Next who?

Lemme interpret what Sasthi really meant... She meant that she must have had an exaggerated negative feeling about her hubby actions in her own mind.

Notw everyone is ThOmas Padre.

I interpreted it to mean that her story of her husband spitting on her face was exaggerated. That is the one thing in her story that affected the majority of people here, especially the guys, including myself.

I don't think he lied about it. She meant that she should not have made it a big issue. In any case..... she herself can dwell on it if she wants to.

by Nila Sun Jun 05, 2011 11:33 pm

Marathadi-Saamiyaar wrote:
MaxEntropy_Man wrote:you have no interest in knowing what the other side of the story is before you start giving out such pearls of wisdom? you guys should definitely keep your day jobs because i don't see marriage counseling as a career option in your future.

I only listed out her options. Read carefully. I did not say do this or that specifically. Besides, there is a case playing out almost identical to hers next doors. Besides, I have seen and experienced divorce in families here in the US and in India.

Finally, .... how are you so sure that I don't know anything about Sasthi?

Thanks swamiyarae....atleast you believe me. I am still not over with that. I have put up so much and that spitting is something I think I wouldn't gonna take it easy. It is haunting me like anything. I don't know...the apologies aren't helping. It is so unbelievable that one day all those sacrifices and the effort that one put on into relationship just crashes away.

I am still weighing the situations coz kids are involved otherwise it would've been different.

by SomeProfile Sun Jun 05, 2011 11:37 pm

Marathadi-Saamiyaar wrote:
SomeProfile wrote:
Marathadi-Saamiyaar wrote:
SomeProfile wrote:
Sasthi wrote:Thanks for all your inputs...sometimes I feel that I am exaggerating.

I am highly disturbed now. First Maria. Now Sasthi! Next who?

Lemme interpret what Sasthi really meant... She meant that she must have had an exaggerated negative feeling about her hubby actions in her own mind.

Notw everyone is ThOmas Padre.

I interpreted it to mean that her story of her husband spitting on her face was exaggerated. That is the one thing in her story that affected the majority of people here, especially the guys, including myself.

I don't think he lied about it. She meant that she should not have made it a big issue. In any case..... she herself can dwell on it if she wants to.

The spitting thing was a huge deal for me. I couldn't imagine something like that happening with an educated, employed Indian woman settled in the US. I'm not married. So, I don't know what happens between the husband and wife. But I always think that the marital relationship should be about one person respecting and valuing the other person more than anybody else in the world. The whole world is there to criticize us, judge us, condemn us, etc. We all deserve one person (other than our parents) who can see us and treat us as something better than how we ourselves see. We need one person in the world who consistently sees us and treats us as a beautiful, smart, good person; one person who supports us and forms the basis of our strength. If the person who is supposed to be all that spits at us and disrespects us and physically harms us, how can the relationship sustain?

by Nila Sun Jun 05, 2011 11:47 pm

I posted it, coz sometimes I get on with life and forget silly things. I don't want to forget this...so that I can take the right action - however or whateve it effects me but wanna make sure that kids get the best no matter how it ends.

Also, gotta prepare myself staying alone...way too scared to stay alone, don't even take freeways and don't travel alone much. I can't discuss this with real friends..okay, laters.

bye.

by Marathadi-Saamiyaar Sun Jun 05, 2011 11:48 pm

Spoken like a true single dude... Razz

In reality, a couple does not live in a vacuum. There are pressures due to kids, parents, in-laws, illnesses, properties, sisters and brothers on both sides, Nephew peeing into the vent, MIL whining about the DIL, favorite cousin being dumped by a fat wife who falls in love with a Penn graduate, and so on and so forth...

life is nothing like you imagine.

by Nila Sun Jun 05, 2011 11:51 pm

SomeProfile wrote:
Marathadi-Saamiyaar wrote:
SomeProfile wrote:
Marathadi-Saamiyaar wrote:
SomeProfile wrote:
Sasthi wrote:Thanks for all your inputs...sometimes I feel that I am exaggerating.

I am highly disturbed now. First Maria. Now Sasthi! Next who?

Lemme interpret what Sasthi really meant... She meant that she must have had an exaggerated negative feeling about her hubby actions in her own mind.

Notw everyone is ThOmas Padre.

I interpreted it to mean that her story of her husband spitting on her face was exaggerated. That is the one thing in her story that affected the majority of people here, especially the guys, including myself.

I don't think he lied about it. She meant that she should not have made it a big issue. In any case..... she herself can dwell on it if she wants to.

The spitting thing was a huge deal for me. I couldn't imagine something like that happening with an educated, employed Indian woman settled in the US. I'm not married. So, I don't know what happens between the husband and wife. But I always think that the marital relationship should be about one person respecting and valuing the other person more than anybody else in the world. The whole world is there to criticize us, judge us, condemn us, etc. We all deserve one person (other than our parents) who can see us and treat us as something better than how we ourselves see. We need one person in the world who consistently sees us and treats us as a beautiful, smart, good person; one person who supports us and forms the basis of our strength. If the person who is supposed to be all that spits at us and disrespects us and physically harms us, how can the relationship sustain?

haha all those things make up a good movie plot but doesn't work that way in reality atleast in Indian marriages.

by Nila Sun Jun 05, 2011 11:53 pm

Marathadi-Saamiyaar wrote:Spoken like a true single dude...

In reality, a couple does not live in a vacuum. There are pressures due to kids, parents, in-laws, illnesses, properties, sisters and brothers on both sides, Nephew peeing into the vent, MIL whining about the DIL, favorite cousin being dumped by a fat wife who falls in love with a Penn graduate, and so on and so forth...

life is nothing like you imagine.

Gosh! Life is not easy and hopefully this too shall pass.

by SomeProfile Sun Jun 05, 2011 11:55 pm

Sasthi wrote:Also, gotta prepare myself staying alone...way too scared to stay alone, don't even take freeways and don't travel alone much. I can't discuss this with real friends..

You know you can always discuss anything with me...

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