Re: jokes thread (english, hindi, tamil telugu etc.)

by Bittu Fri Aug 09, 2013 1:04 pm

TGIF PJ submission:
Hanuman ji: Bhole Nath ab mai dharti par nahi reh sakta.
Shiv ji : Kyun?
Hanuman ji: pehle log let kar matha tekte the, fir thoda sa jhuk ke tekne lage, mai fir bhi khush tha,lekin ab to ghor kalyug aa gya hai. Aaj mandir me ek ladki ayi aur hath hila kar boli "Hi Hanu,whats up? Aise muh kyun phula rakha hai?!"

by Bittu Fri Aug 16, 2013 10:41 am

TGIF PJ submission:
Santa to son: "maths vich fail kyun hoya?!"
Son: 1st day teacher kendi 5+3=8..agle din kendi 6+2=8..fir kendi 4+4=8
ullu di pathi khud confused hai, menu ki padhaeygi??

by Guest Sun Aug 25, 2013 1:40 am

2 snakes on FB chat:

snake1: fusss

snake 2 : fusss

snake1: fusss fusss fusss

snake2: fussss fusss fusss

snake1: fussss fusss fusss fussss
fusss fusss fussss fusss fusss

snake2: fussss fusss fusss fussss
fusss fusss fussss fusss fusss

snake1 : Bhow bhow bhow……

Snake2: saale aa gaya na aukat pe, mujhe pata tha fake ID banake aya hai. .

by Guest Mon Sep 02, 2013 11:21 pm

by seven Mon Sep 02, 2013 11:41 pm

A man & a woman who never met before, find themselves on upper & lower berth of a long distance train. At 2 am, Man leans over saying, "Ma'm, sorry to bother you, Would you be kind enough to give me a 2nd blanket from the side table. Its awfully cold.

"I have a better idea", she replied, "Just for tonight, why don't we pretend that we are married !!

"Great Idea! Wink

". He replied in excitement.

She says,"Well then Get up & take it yourself.."

by Guest Tue Sep 03, 2013 1:43 am

A PJ...

Teacher: Who is Gandhiji

Tamil student: Father of Dineshan

Teacher: WHAT???

Tamil student: Yes, we have been told since KG that Gandhiji is the father of Dineshan.

by indophile Tue Sep 03, 2013 8:20 am

Home Remedies (checked out on Snopes)
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE
BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

by Guest Sat Sep 07, 2013 2:22 pm

by Guest Sun Sep 08, 2013 11:09 am

AN IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago near Kells, County Meath, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale... it's true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Reilly, a Cavan man studying in UCD, was on the side of the road hitchhiking back to Dublin on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly.
John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling
everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Reilly sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

Look frank... there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!
AN IRISH GHOST STORY This story happened a while ago near Kells, County Meath, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale... it's true. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ John Reilly, a Cavan man studying in UCD, was on the side of the road hitchhiking back to Dublin on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Reilly sobbing at the bar, one said to the other... Look frank... there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!

by Kris Sun Sep 08, 2013 12:24 pm

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination---Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a-huntin went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Tim buck two.

The redneck won hands down!

by Bittu Mon Sep 09, 2013 8:35 am

LOL good one Kris Smile

by Bittu Mon Sep 09, 2013 8:38 am

Note to Vidya: That Irish Ghost Story one was way, way too long. Not many have an appetite for saga jokes.

by Bittu Mon Sep 09, 2013 9:51 am

Note to Kris: "The redneck won hands down!" detracts punch factor from the joke. This line is not required.

by Bittu Mon Sep 09, 2013 9:52 am

Note to self: Thoda kaam kar lo, bakrichod.

by harharmahadev Tue Sep 10, 2013 12:09 pm

Q: What is red and smells like blue paint?
A: Red paint

by Guest Tue Sep 10, 2013 8:09 pm

https://imgur.com/gallery/BjlkZ

by Guest Tue Sep 10, 2013 8:16 pm

by Guest Fri Sep 13, 2013 11:38 am

THE SECRET TO HAPPY MARRIED LIFE-

Once I was asked my friend, "What is the secret behind your Happy Married Life?"

He said "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."

I asked "Can you explain?"

He said "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my Wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."

Still not convinced, I asked me "Give me some examples".

He said "Smaller issues like, which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit the super market, when to go on vacation, which sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy.
Monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc. Are all decided by my wife. I just agree to it "

I asked "Then, what is your role?"

He said "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iran, whether Britain should lift sanctions over Zimbabwe, whether to widen the Sri Lankan economy, whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire from Cricket etc etc. and do you know, my wife, NEVER, objects to any of these decisions"

by Bittu Mon Sep 23, 2013 2:32 pm

Q: What's the cheapest kind of meat you can buy?
A: Deer balls. They're under a buck.

by Guest Mon Nov 25, 2013 5:23 am

by Guest Tue Nov 26, 2013 11:33 am

Santa to Dad: I have the biggest Penis in class. Is it because I am Punjabi?

Dad: Behenchod ! It's because you are 18 & still in 5th class..

by Guest Tue Dec 03, 2013 10:14 am

http://www.buzzfeed.com/tasneemnashrulla/29-spelling-mistakes-from-india-that-will-make-you-laugh-cry?s=mobile

by Guest Tue Dec 03, 2013 1:52 pm

Tracy Whitney wrote:http://www.buzzfeed.com/tasneemnashrulla/29-spelling-mistakes-from-india-that-will-make-you-laugh-cry?s=mobile

3 sardar picnic par gae wahan ja kar yad aya k pepsi to ghar bhol gaye
Decide kia ki sab se chota sardar ja kar pepsi le aaye
Chota sardar:Main is shart par jata hun k tum mere ane tak samose nahi khao ge
Dono ne kaha thik hai
1 din guzar gaya sardar ni aya
2 din guzr gaye
2no ne socha k ab samose kha lne chahye
Jaise hi samosa uthaya chota sardar ped k peche se nikal k bola....
Aisa karo ge to main nahi jaunga.

by Guest Thu Dec 05, 2013 11:04 am

Watching TV

A couple watching an IPL match on the TV together. After five minutes:

Wife: Is that Bret Lee?

Husband: No. He is Chris Gayle. Bret Lee is the bowler.

Wife: Bret Lee is smart. He should be in the movies like his brother.

Husband: He does not have an actor brother

Wife: What about Bruce Lee

Husband: No no, Bret Lee is an Australian

Wife: OK. Look. Another wicket in just two minutes.

Husband: No. It is called action replay.

Wife: Looks like India is going to win this one.

Husband: It is not India. It is Bangalore vs Kolkatta

Wife: Why is the umpire calling for a helicopter.

Husband: He is not calling for a helicopter. It's a free hit.

Wife: Did the spectators not pay for the tickets? Why is it a free hit?

Wife: Now whom is he saying HI to?

Husband: He is signalling a Bye.

Wife: Why is he saying Bye. Is the game over?

Wife: How many runs to win?

Husband: 72 in 36 balls

Wife: Ah. That is easy. Just 2 runs in 1 ball

Husband turns off the TV.

Wife turns it on and watches Saraswasti Chandra

Husband: Who is this Saraswati Chandra?

Wife: Don't you dare disturb me...

by Guest Sat Dec 14, 2013 10:22 am

by b_A Sun Dec 22, 2013 2:40 pm

Snow White, Pinocchio, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign: 'Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world.'

"I am entering" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"

"First Place", said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign: 'Contest for the strongest man in the world.'

"I'm entering", says Superman.

After half an hour he returns and they ask him,

"How did you make out?"
"First Place", answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign: 'Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world'

Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is Diggy Singh?" asked Pinocchio.

by b_A Sun Dec 22, 2013 2:48 pm

1. What is the difference between Einstein and Karunanidhi?

Einstein said that everything is relative wheras Karunanidhi says that (the) relative is everything!

2. Why is Bangla Desh not sending a contingent to Olympics?

Because anyone who can run, jump or swim, has already crossed the border of the country!!!

3. Why did UPA Government demonetize 25 paise coins?

They could not manage one Anna......... how could they manage four annas?

4. 100 phones tapped each day per operator. Finally we have a
government that listens to us.

5. Vote for Baba Ramdev. He’ll be the PM who can help you make your ends meet. Your head and toe, that is.......

6. Some days, Digvijay Singh makes no sense. Other days, he is silent.

7. I really don’t understand why people consider alcohol to be a
problem. Chemically speaking, it’s a solution.

8. A documentary on Air India’s planes – "Saare Zameen Par"

by b_A Sun Dec 22, 2013 2:49 pm

A blonde orders a beer.
The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde woman's chest and splashes all over them...

The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her chest.

Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens. So after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out.

The next time the bartender hit her chest the man jumps up and starts to lick her chest and she decks him!

He is lying on the floor moaning, "Jeez lady... Why do you let the bartender do it?"

"Helloooo!", says the blonde, "He has a licker license!"

by b_A Sun Dec 22, 2013 2:50 pm

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Jaden, the 9 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Jaden clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID Ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Jaden grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little sh*t

by b_A Sun Dec 22, 2013 2:52 pm

There is a huge house in our street.

The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without leash.

Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.

To the best of my knowledge, she has never worked a day in her life.

Her bad-tempered husband is notorious for his racist comments.

A shopkeeper blamed him for arranging the murder of his son's ex-wife and her boyfriend, but nothing has ever been proved.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thinks is gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in nightclubs. One of them just got married and pray to God he settles down.. The second is out of control. It is not known if they have the same father.

Gosh, I hate living near Buckingham Palace!

by b_A Sun Dec 22, 2013 2:53 pm

A beer drinking husband comes home from work, runs into the living room, and flops down in front of the TV. He quickly turns it on and starts flipping through the channels.
His wife walks into the living room and the guy says to her, "Wife, hurry up and get me a beer before it starts!"
The wife goes to the fridge, cracks a beer and gives it to her husband.
The husband slams down the beer, gives her the empty, and tells her, "Hurry up and get me another one! It's gonna start soon!"
The wife goes to the fridge, gets another beer, cracks it open, and takes it to her husband.
The guy slams the beer again, gives her the empty, and says, "Hurry up and get me 1 more beer, it's gonna start ANY minute!"
The wife, getting upset, goes to the fridge, gets him a beer, cracks it open, gives it to her husband and says, "You know, all you ever do around here is come home from work, sit in front of the TV, bark orders at me, drink beer... blah blah".
The guy, hearing his wife complaining, sips his beer, sighs, and says, "YEP, IT'S STARTED!"

by Guest Fri Jan 17, 2014 12:09 pm

by Guest Sat Jan 18, 2014 12:53 pm

by Guest Tue Jan 21, 2014 10:09 pm

by indophile Tue Feb 04, 2014 10:59 am

Why Athletes Can't Get Regular Jobs

The danger of having sports figures as role models for kids....

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."
(Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton .."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.''

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

Ah, but they ride to the bank in a Mercedes...

by southindian Tue Feb 04, 2014 3:07 pm

indophile wrote:
Why Athletes Can't Get Regular Jobs
The danger of having sports figures as role models for kids....

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."
(Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton .."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.''

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

Ah, but they ride to the bank in a Mercedes...

So nice

by indophile Thu Feb 06, 2014 4:51 pm

Chennai Express joke:

Sharukh to Sardarji --- kahan se?
Sardarji - Punjab
Sharukh - What part?
Sardarji - poora Punjab ka puttar hun

by Guest Thu Feb 20, 2014 3:21 pm

by Guest Thu Feb 20, 2014 8:02 pm

by Guest Fri Feb 21, 2014 7:32 am

Santa: suna hai facebook ne whatsap kharid liya 19 billion dollars me!!
Banta: Oh teri!!! Kharida kyu?
download kar leta!!!

by Guest Sat Feb 22, 2014 10:20 am

by Guest Mon Feb 24, 2014 10:17 am

by Guest Sun Mar 02, 2014 11:03 am

by seven Fri Mar 07, 2014 12:50 am

by seven Sat Mar 08, 2014 1:36 am

Just because a person is silent.. doesn't mean that he is not aware of fun and joy. It's possible that life has taught him some serious lessons
May be he is....

Married.

by Guest Tue Mar 11, 2014 6:59 pm

by southindian Wed Mar 12, 2014 1:12 pm

Its funny when a wife thinks she's punishing her husband by not talking to him.

:-)

by Guest Sun Mar 23, 2014 8:39 pm

by seven Sun Mar 23, 2014 9:22 pm

jokes thread (english, hindi, tamil telugu etc.) - Page 14 Imagejpeg

I was in a bar the other night and overheard
Three very hefty women talking.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I
Approached and asked,"hello, ladies are you three lassies from scottland?"
One of them angrily Screeched, "it's Whales,
You bloody idiot, Whales"
So I apologized and replied,"I'm so sorry.
Are you three whales from scottland?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

by seven Mon Mar 24, 2014 2:55 pm

Pappu pinki ko pasand karta hai,
aur pinki pappu k bhai ko,
..
lekin pappu k bhai ko pinki ki
behan achi lagti hai,
aur pinki ki behan pappu ko
pasand karti hai.
..
Hala ki pappu pehle hi pinki ko chahta hai,
Ab jab k pinki ko pappu acha
nahin lagta aur pappu ka bhai
pinki k liya razi nai hai aur pappu pinki ki behan se pyar nahin karta,
jab k pinki ki behan ko pappu ka bhai acha nahin lagta.
.
.
To ye unka personal problem hua,

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